Tell All Your Single Friends!!

Sometimes I Tweet

2010-06-03T17:01:00.004-04:00

I find myself with little to say these days. So I'm saying it on Twitter.

If I recoup my long wind, I'll be back here.

Tell all your single friends, 140 character constraint is no excuse for sloppy punctuation.

XO, JamieSmitten

Snow Days

2010-02-01T19:27:00.008-05:00

Depends on who you ask, of course, but it looked like about 10 inches to me.

The boys were very happy with their winter wonderland.

Pullo found that Boom poop is even better when it is frozen -- here he is digging for it!

He has such a sweet face, despite the poopsicle breath.

The brothers, ever vigilant.

Tell all your single friends, we're living in a winter wonderland (until the ice arrives).

XO, JamieSmitten

Rat Bastard

2010-01-09T17:41:00.004-05:00

My hatred of rodents is well-known.

Therefore, I try to live my life in such a way that rodents never cross my path. To each his beady-eyed own.

And then SOMEBODY moved in. Somebody with a cavalier attitude towards rodents:

"Baby. There are mice everywhere. Just because you can't see them..." "Whatever. You already had mice, so me dropping one piece of dog food did not cause this." "Ha Ha Ha. Look at all the mouse poop."

Yes, Somebody thinks that mice are just a fact of life. Un-unh. No way. Not here. So, I keep reiterating my mouse-free mantras:
Don't spill dog food! Don't leave the garbage on the back porch -- take it out to the can!

and Somebody ignores me.

Saturday morning, I take the dogs outside for a little backyard romp after breakfast. I get the snow shovel ("Could you put that away since the snow is long gone?") and start shoveling the mountains of poo from the dogs.

The dogs who keep running up onto the porch and sniffing around the garbage bag.

So I call them back down and go back to shoveling. The dogs run back up on the porch and suddenly, out of the bag opening ("Can you remember to tie the bag closed when you take it out?") explodes an 8" long (not counting tail!) rat who leaps off the porch, runs crazily at me, and then cuts a hard right into the bushes. Where he is chased by Boom. For the record, Pullo stayed on the porch just looking tough.

I screamed. Somebody came running out of the house in his underwear. And then started laughing when I explained the horrible event that had just occurred.

Tell all your single friends, obeying anti-rodent rules is MANDATORY for all.

XO, JamieSmitten

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-27T23:16:00.004-05:00

Outtakes from this year's Christmas photo!

Tell all your single friends, silly hats + puppies = holiday fun

XO, JamieSmitten

Where I'm Going

2009-12-14T21:14:00.002-05:00

Hauppauge, New York.

In 4 days.

Not. Soon. Enough.

Tell all your single friends, the last 4 days are the hardest!!!!!

XO, JamieSmitten

Where I've Been

2009-12-06T22:06:00.006-05:00

visited 42 states (84%)
Create your own visited map of The United States

I will admit that Vermont, and Hawaii were just pass through on the way to somewhere else. Can't recall if Iowa was a pass through, but if it was, I must have blinked. I have spent at least a few hours in the rest of them. And TOTALLY missed my chance to do Idaho like a native -- right, Val?

visited 7 countries (3.11%)
Create your own visited map of The World

That is a DISMAL percentage. I'm definitely going to add at least one more country in 2010!

Tell all your single friends, where have YOU been?

XO, JamieSmitten

More Real Text Messages From My Phone

2009-12-05T19:24:00.001-05:00

We r good on towels. Good on clowns too.

What lunch?

gerard butler is so hot on the ugly truth

Do the boys normally not poop in the rain?

happy halloween from west hollywood

That kicked ass

How does it smell lol

Tell all your single friends, clowns are bad, missed it, hot!, no they don't, lucky you!, I concur!, and it smelled like roses, baby.

XO, JamieSmitten

I SWEAR I Graduated from University

2009-12-04T12:33:00.008-05:00

Some of you are going to doubt that after you read this confession.

So I'm busily working away by scrolling through blog posts to find a Christmas picture of Boom. This actually DOES constitute work because the picture has been requested by the holiday party planning committee. So there, step back with your accusations of slackness.

I find the picture and save it to my desktop. I then open an email and attach the jpeg. And for the first time EVER I realize that the little icon that shows up when you attach a jpeg is actually a little sunset/sailboat picture. Like so:

[Ignore the magnifying glass and star -- it was the only example I could find.]

If you had asked me yesterday, I would have said it was a bucket with a red band and a crack in it. An off-center crack. Had you pressed me further as to why that made a reasonable icon for a picture file, I would have shrugged and said, "dunno." Because now that I've realized what the picture really is, I can't for the life of me figure out why I assumed it was a cracked bucket for all these years. In my defense, those icons are really darn small.

Tell all your single friends, Smitten DOES wear corrective lenses!!

XO, JamieSmitten

Much Thanks

2009-11-27T12:50:00.004-05:00

So much to be thankful for this year. A short list in off-the-top-of-my-head order:

Jason. So worth the wait. (Although this additional 5 weeks absence is a bit much!)
Healthy Family. I got to see quite a few of them this year and although it does clarify why I'm odd, I wouldn't trade them in for anything. I also expanded my family through Jason and yes, it does clarify why he is odd.
Boom and Pullo. The canine odd couple have provided more love and laughs than annoyance -- although Pullo is determined to make it a close call.
Loyal Friends. There are so many of you that brighten my life. I hope I do as much for you as you have done for me.
New Experiences. New York City, motorcycle dirt drag races, Long Island, the middle pond, bully breed dog show, Gatorama, the James river, kayaking, camping, Coney Island, E-Z Pass.
Good Music. Social Distortion, Morrissey, The English Beat, Delta Spirit, Cracker. While I didn't make my goal of one excellent concert a month, I found new bands and got to see old favorites.
Good Books. My bookshelves are literally overflowing with books read and to be read. The new Kathy Reichs and John Irving are top on my list after I finish my birthday books.
Employment. I complain a lot but I'm happy for the paycheck.
Contentment. I didn't have it for years and I can't tell you what a relief it is to have it back.
Silliness. Awkwardfamilyphotos, overheardinnewyork, all those little bits of comic relief sprinkled throughout the day.

Tell all your single friends, take stock and say thanks.

XO, JamieSmitten

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-11-15T21:00:00.004-05:00

Despite my persistent birthday curse (No sex on 11/15 for Smitten! Ever!), I had a very nice day.

Day 3 without Jason started out with an early (ahem) birthday text from JodiO that intimated that I resembled a monkey and possibly smelled like one too. I love old friends -- and she hasn't even SEEN my crappy new hairstyle/color! The boys and I slept in and then had breakfast while we waited for clean clothes from the dryer. I'm not sure if Apple Jacks and cafe con leche are the traditional breakfast for the 43rd birthday, but what the heck, I've never done this before.

Then my Jason called and promised he would never be away from me for my birthday again. Ever. If anyone can break the birthday curse, it is my Jason.

A looonnnng walk in the sun to the post office was made ever more eventful by mountains of dog poo (canine presents, every one!) and lots of phone calls from dear friends and family. I kept the ringer on high because I have some excellent ring tones assigned to all of you. I always get attention when O Canada begins to emanate from my pocket. I highly recommend it.

Several more texts and phone calls later, I had managed to run some errands and have a birthday Krispy Kreme. Classic birthday lunch. Then DFF arrived for a walk with the boys and a nice long chat. After stretching everyone's legs, Anne and I headed to Lowe's for my most awesome birthday present. No more grilling in the dark when my Jason gets home thanks to this:

Then it was off to Tarrant's for a way too tasty/way too filling/sooooo yummy dinner. Pan fried Sea Bass (again, I invoked birthday immunity from calories) with shrimp in tomato vodka lobster cream sauce. Oh yes, I did. Followed up by New York (is there any other kind?) cheesecake with blueberries. Oh my, the food coma was swift. DFF has spoiled me again.

And then, when I was already feeling thankful for the small things today, the phone rang and my Jason called to tell me he loved me and missed me. Fork in me, done.

Tell all your single friends, life is good and great is just around the corner (COME HOME SOON!),

XO, JamieSmitten

Promise

2009-11-11T21:59:00.002-05:00

ME + HE = FOREVER

Tell all your single friends, worth the wait and the birthday.

XO, JamieSmitten

Looking On The Bright Side

2009-11-03T12:42:00.005-05:00

Well, I'm going to try to anyway.

GOOD THINGS:

I voted! So for at least a few more hours, I can think that my candidate wins!

Being forced to wait until November to get the 2nd set of tires installed meant that I saved $70 for buying Michelins!

It finally stopped raining!!

I have a brand new floor and painted walls in my storage closet!! My Man is the best.

So we absolutely, positively won't think about.....

the fact that the mouse in the bathtub on Saturday morning probably has an entire posse looking for him

or

the fact that my hair, despite REPEATED washings, is still Elvira black AND little pieces are definitely sticking up in the back

or

the sad outcome of last night's baseball game (see above, re My Man is the best)

or

the continued ill effects of last night's "fancy mac and cheese" (I blame the scallops)

Because we are all about POSITIVITY.

Tell all your single friends, we'll see if this power of positive thinking really works.

XO, JamieSmitten

You Know What I Hate?

2009-11-01T09:45:00.002-05:00

Does this ever happen to you?

You are sitting there minding your own business and someone you know (and this is where you find out they really aren't good friend material) says, "what's wrong with you?" "Usually you are cracking me up and making me die laughing. I don't like having to be the entertaining one."

You know what, people? I am NOT the paid entertainment. Yes, I am usually upbeat and making jokes but it is not my job. And you telling me that I'm not being entertaining enough for you? That just makes me want to get up and leave and not come back.

Except while you were complaining that I wasn't entertaining you as much as usual, you also fucked up my hair color and cut. So now I have to go back. When YOU get back from vacation which you reminded me of so that I could tip you generously (your words).

Yep. I'm going to be a freaking barrel of laughs when I sit in your chair.

Tell ALL your friends, don't expect me to entertain you unless you are throwing $20 bills at me.

XO, JamieSmitten

Things I Adore, Things I Abhor

2009-10-29T20:24:00.000-04:00

Apparently, some people think I'm slacking on my blogging. In particular, they lament the loss of my "Was it a good week?" rating system. So, for the fans....

5 Things I Adore:

66 degree weather in late October. Perfect fall colors and no worries that I don't actually have a winter wardrobe. Yet.
Tzatziki. I'm mainlining a vat of it with some Costco falafel balls. Saucy balls, try it!
Brand new windshield wiper blades. Oh the clear vision! I feel faint!
This week's Sons of Anarchy ending to Delta Spirit's "People, Turn Around." Love, love, love them (Samcro AND Delta Spirit).
My kick-ass seasonal planter!

5 Things I Abhor:

Cancer. You've made my list before, Bastard, and I'm over you. So step away from my two friends immediately.
Tires. Motherf-ing tires. I followed all the steps on Costco.com right down to engine size and body style, ordered 4 new tires and promptly got a flat tire. THEN, if that wasn't enough, when I went to get the tires installed 3 days later -- THEY WERE THE WRONG SIZE. So now I drive around for 5 more days on a mini tire (because they took the flat off the rim and I can't even get it patched ARGH). And the new ones cost $200 more. I hate tires.
Dogs who think they are too delicate to go out and pee in the rain. Pullo -- you aren't delicate and you are officially ON NOTICE.
Waking up any time before 10 a.m. Really, world, who decided that 8:30 a.m. meetings on Friday were allowed? You are lucky I'm there, don't expect pleasant!
Mice. Motherf-ing mice. They are back, apparently attracted by the misdirected dog food pellets that someone didn't get into the dog bowl. Mice are NOT in every home and they WILL be terminated. With electricity. As soon as I get my fancy mouse trap back.

Tell all your single friends, keeping it real, despite it all, because that's how we do.

XO, JamieSmitten

No, I Don't Think It Is Ash Wednesday

2009-10-29T00:41:00.004-04:00

(or How I Got the Forehead Contusion)

The plan was to leave for New York at 10 a.m. "If you want to see Coney Island, we need to beat the traffic."

"O.K. Then I need to get up at 6:30 to get stuff done."

"That is way too early. You can get up at 7:30 and it will be fine."

I got up at 7:30 and we departed the house at 10:20. With one stop to make at the post office. I hopped out of the car and left the car running because someone was cold and needed the heat on while he listened to the radio and read his book. Someone turned off the car, but left the heat and radio on -- and unbeknownst to someone -- the lights were also on.

"Who the hell drives with the lights on during the day?"

"I do."

"Well that's stupid."

"So's your face." [This is a standard rejoinder in the household indicating a lack of agreement and a request to move on to the next potential topic for disagreement.]

So after standing in a line to mail a package (hope you like it!) I came outside and happily tried to start my car to head off on vacation. Car doesn't start.

More leaving the lights on is stupid, more well if you don't know how to pop a clutch without me explaining it then I can't explain it, and finally the bright idea to get a jump start. The startled woman next to us agrees to move her minivan around and provide the juice.

I hop out of the car to pop the hood. Done, I return to the driver seat and await cable connection. Then I remember that the last time someone ran down my battery, he had a hard time locating the battery as it was under an relatively unmarked cover. So I hop back out of the car -- and yes, I was fully impatient, annoyed, and foul-tempered -- and leaned over to pull the cover off and conked my forehead HARD on the raised hood.

I staggered back to the car mumbling, "fuck it. Someone can find it himself." He did and we were on our way -- finally, at 10:48.

So I drive for a 1/2 hour. Then I turn around and go back to the house to get someone's ID. I ask for aspirin from the kitchen because I have a headache. Not enough coffee, I assume, vowing to get a large cup at the first stop.

First stop is 3 hours later. Aspirin has not touched the headache which has become a dull throb. Amazingly, I still think it is caffeine withdrawal. We enter the rest stop, I use the facilities, and inspect my eye makeup while I wash my hands. We get in line, buy burgers (Roy Rogers still has Double R Bar burgers! Who knew? They aren't as good as I remember, but then, life is like that.) We get up and I go to Starbucks to get my coffee. Line is too long, so I make the ultimate sacrifice and order a coffee from the urn at Cinnabon. While I wait for my coffee to be poured (a 3 minute span of time, oddly), I turn to someone and say, "Do I have something on my forehead. It kind of hurts here." I point to just right of center on my forehead.

My eyes get bigger. Someone's eyes get bigger. And I feel a knot the size of a walnut on my forehead.

"How the hell didn't you see this in the past 3 hours?"

"I wasn't looking right at you."

"I'm pretty sure a bump this big has a profile."

"Holy shit it is getting bigger. Stop making me laugh."

By the time we get to the car we are laughing hysterically -- someone from the speed at which the knot is growing and me from the leaking brain fluid from the skull I now realized is cracked -- the walnut is bigger. I'm advised to put ice on it.

"How would you like me to do that and drive?"

"I'm not sure, baby. Want me to drive?"

"No. I already have a headache. Give me one of the ice cubes from your drink."

I then proceed to give myself an ice cream headache on TOP of the cracked cranium headache for the next 20 minutes. I become adept at ice cube balancing and refuse the offer of a ski cap to hold the cube in place.

"Bad enough I'm going to meet your friends with a third eye, let's not add hat hair."

Someone (after another bout of hysterical laughing), "it hardly shows, baby. You are beautiful."

We did not beat rush hour. My knot did show, but didn't start to turn purple until we got home, 3 days later.

And no, co-workers, I don't think it is Ash Wednesday and that isn't a smudge on my forehead. It's a souvenir.

Tell all your single friends, the best pizza EVER had eggplant parmesan slices on it and was at Danny's in Central Islip, NY.

XO, JamieSmitten

Coney Island! Best Pizza Ever! Forehead Contusion!

2009-10-21T20:51:00.011-04:00

More on that later! Enjoy the pix for now:

Shut down for the season, eh? Well I'll be back!

Notice he didn't mention October.

Yes, I ate a Nathan's hot dog and it was GOOD! Tasted great on top of that bistec a la parilla. And Jamaican meat patty. And Roy Rogers Double R Bar Burger. [Note: All consumed AFTER forehead contusion received. Hmmmmmm]

Need more clothes. COLD!

Anyone have a clue as to what Mozzarepa could be? Me neither -- until I googled it.

Sadly, the live human targets were gone for the season.

Tell all your single friends, New York is the most fun (if you can afford the tolls to get there),

XO, JamieSmitten

More Real Text Messages From My Phone

2009-09-25T14:12:00.003-04:00

Mackeral

Haha me 2

Yes we r some lucky kids

I didn't actually watch it, just marvelled at its existence

U r sitting next to small skull!

Quick! Somebody count the clowns!

Do I put water AND ice or just ice in purple thing?

Cant. Stop. Itching.

Tell All Your Single Friends, context is everything.

XO, JamieSmitten

Has It Really Been Almost a Month?

2009-09-12T17:57:00.007-04:00

Since I blogged? Such a slacker. But it isn't like I've been sitting around. In fact, I have hardly been home for a weekend between the last post and now.

First came the trip to Smith Mountain Lake. Huge. No signs indicating which way to the specific dock where your family and dogs are waiting with the beer. So my advice is to just keep tucking that pontoon boat into each cove and hope for the best.... Watch out for the clowns.

Then, it was off to Ontario for a family wedding. Thankfully, the passport arrived and the flight was not canceled/delayed/overly turbulent. Of course, I DID get pulled for "special screening" at security. I knew having all of my liquids in the correct size bottles in a quart size bag ready for display was not enough juju to ward off the universe's need to have me groped impersonally by a stranger in the name of national security. This time, I was given the option of the grope or the full body scan. I think I shocked the guard when I opted for the scan. The scan was implemented at the Richmond airport right after my last hellish flight in November and caused a bit of an uproar. Namely because the scan shows it all. Right under your clothes. Just like those glasses they used to advertise in the back of comic books -- only it really works. The lucky man who got to see beneath my travel ensemble to the real me was hidden away in a room, but I'm sure he enjoyed it. The wedding was lovely if a bit emotional (for me, anyway). I did NOT ride with the piper, nor did I show mum how to focus my camera apparently. The weather was unseasonably cool, but I still went swimming in the lake because I'm no quitter. I finished my book 10 minutes before I landed back in Richmond, so good timing all around.

For the Labor Day weekend, we finally used the tent we bought early in the summer and went camping on the James river down in southeast Virginia. The tent turned out to be the bargain of the century. We thought it looked like a lot of tent for the money, but had no idea that our voices would echo inside. Sadly, I never even took a picture of it set up. But it would have been hard without a panoramic camera anyway. Eating, drinking, laughing, fishing, frying, kayaking -- with Boom!, swimming, marshmallow roasting, staring into the bonfire. We were even treated to a bonus fireworks display across the river. Lovely, perfect weekend. Especially the Nathan's hotdog grilled on the fire with approximately 1/3 of a bottle of relish. YUM. Makes me wish summer was just starting, instead of ending. I guess I should focus on getting as much kayak time in as I can before it gets cold. Because I'm that sporty.

Tell all your single friends, time flies when you don't stay home.*

XO, JamieSmitten

*It freaking CRAWLS when you are waiting for the love of your life to come home. BOO!

Mockery @ Work = $$

2009-08-17T20:50:00.003-04:00

Yep. For the sum of $40 in Target gift cards, my picture was circulated throughout the entire department. It is an "honor."

Tell all your single friends, it might be time to go blonde again.

XO, JamieSmitten

p.s. Thank goodness the queen of photoshop is my friend, right??

I Heart NYC -- Take 2!

2009-08-03T23:57:00.008-04:00

We spent less than 24 hours in NYC thanks to traffic and having too much fun in Connecticut!

However we managed to pack a LOT in:

A hotel room ON THE PENTHOUSE LEVEL. Yep. I had a balcony in NYC.
Sure, it was small, but I had a close-up view of the Empire State building.

Two cab rides. Sadly, not the Cash Cab as I had hoped. The cabs have touchscreens that let you map your journey. And commercials. They did swerve around as expected, so that was nice.

A jaunt in the rain through Chinatown. Super crowded streets and near-miss eye gouging by umbrellas. AND -- I was propositioned by one of those "come into my back room and buy a purse" people. Ha. Like I'd go shopping when I could be sightseeing.

Dim Sum with approximately 372 people. Amazing food and total chaos as new patrons are directed in to their table by flight attendants with head phones. I decided to go with the spirit of the experience and not look too closely at the fillings. I'm fairly certain I managed to avoid chicken, but I definitely consumed all other meats. YUM.

A diner meal at midnight. My bagel was not anything special, but the chocolate malted was aces. There was a cashier who looked to be at least 92 and the waiter kept touching us. Completely surreal.

Tell all your single friends, every NYC trip makes you love it more!!

XO, Jamiesmitten

River Fun

2009-07-20T23:05:00.007-04:00

Note Boom's complete lack of concern that Pullo may be stuck in the big hole he dug.

Evening on the rocks

Pullo torments Aunt Bonnie

Extreme Love Close-Up!

Tell all your single friends, your ass will feel 100% better if you sit on a towel. Just ask Jason.

XO, JamieSmitten

Boom and Pullo -- Action Shot!

2009-07-07T13:48:00.002-04:00

Rule #345: Avoid Myopic Waxers

2009-07-06T22:30:00.003-04:00

I think I've mentioned the fact that I wax my legs. Have done for years and years. Doesn't even hurt any more and I can't conceive of returning to the constant razor scrape. To each his own.

So I decided to celebrate the coming of summer and get a little wild. (O.K. This isn't too wild. I'm not naming names but readers in Chesterfield County and in Portland have done it. I'm just saying.) But yep, I decided to celebrate my return to a rampant sex life with a Brazilian. Not the removal of every hair, but a nice little wax job. (I hate that airport term. I get visions of fiery crashes.)

So I did my research and found a place with Brazilian Wax EXPERTS. (I'm not going to name names, but if you are planning to go Brazilian in the metro Richmond area, please check with me first.) I couldn't get an appointment before NYC, so I settled for an appointment before the Florida trip. Since they call themselves skin experts, I didn't even feel guilty for saying I had to leave work early for an appointment with my dermatologist.

I arrived, filled out the paperwork, clarified that I wanted an upper leg and a Brazilian, and was escorted back to a room. By a woman wearing the thickest glasses possible outside of a Jerry Lewis movie. (I worked for optometrists for 4 years. I know what lenses for extreme myopia and astigmatism look like. These were they.)

I'm handed a pair of paper underwear which is really a piece of paper with a large elastic around the top. Blind Betty leaves the room and I undress and carefully position the 2" by 6" paper over my special place.

She comes back in and we discuss our plan of attack. She seems to know what she is talking about, but during the hour I was at her mercy, she revealed that waxing was just a fill in job while she finished her masters. In something or other. She said where do you want me to stop and I pointed. Then she applied the wax a good inch below the mark. Let's just say, what was left looked like the survivor of a rampant forest fire: a few sparse patches here and there.

Don't even get me started on the upper leg wax. Blind Betty's method here was to get very close to my leg and angle it back and forth to see if she could catch sight of a hair in the light, then wax that one small area. Finally, I just started pointing out entire sections she had missed.

Eventually I took pity on her and said I was satisfied with the job. She left the room while I dressed and I managed to slather on/rip off three more sections myself before she knocked on the door and asked if I was almost done.

You do NOT want to know what I paid. Needless to say, I declined the "package" deal for discounts on future waxings.

After conversing with some of my friends, I am sure that a professional Brazilian wax might be nice. I wholeheartedly suggest avoiding the the Short Pump patch wax. On the plus side, hair grows back so I no longer look like a forest fire victim.

Tell all your single friends, Brazilians aren't just for women*

XO, JamieSmitten

*

Been There, Got the T-Shirt

2009-07-01T21:52:00.007-04:00

Oh my, the things I've seen:

Poison Oak that lasts a month
Dirt clods in my pocket after the motorcycle dirt drag races at Slades Park
Stars -- when I wrenched my back during boot camp
Stars again -- when the physical therapist dug his thumb into my wrenched back
Remnants of a Philly cheese steak on my own plate
Mountains of puppy poo -- sometimes even on the puppy pee pad
Teeny, tiny LOUD frogs in stagnant pools in the rocks in the James River
LOTS of dog tug of war

Tell all your single friends, dirt is for racing, asphalt just for getting there.

XO, JamieSmitten

He Missed Me Too!

2009-06-15T20:36:00.001-04:00

He even brought me flowers.

Tell all your single friends, a bouquet is a lovely surprise.

XO, JamieSmitten

Sigh

2009-06-13T22:55:00.004-04:00

I am 29 hours into my second 48 hour separation from Jason in 4 days.

I admit it. I've become spoiled by constant companionship and love.

I'm not quite missing his impressively stinky farts, but I expect that will happen around hour 44.

Sigh.

Tell all your single friends, our reunion is going to raise the roof.

XO, JamieSmitten

More Real Text Messages on My Phone

2009-06-12T00:14:00.002-04:00

"Get over here in the heat & Join us!"

"How did u know i just ate chef boyardee"

"Did u check my pants"

"Meat still frozen"

"Thank goodness! Was the thing sideways?"

"Doubtful. I'm a respectable partnered woman now. Snort."

"Parsippany"

Tell all your single friends, the accent is on the SIP not the PANY.

XO, JamieSmitten

So, I've Been, Like, Busy and Stuff

2009-06-03T23:56:00.003-04:00

A week in Florida with the family AND Jason. (He still loves me after 8 days of constant companionship and rain)

A new clutch. (Don't ask me about walking home at 7 a.m. with a hangover when the clutch that was *definitely going to last until the parts came in* crapped out)

A raft of stern emails. (Seriously. My friends are either overly concerned with my well-being or overly opinionated. Jury is still out)

A restorative email about the wonderfulness of love. (The Rev RULES)

A return to Boot Camp. (Argh. Push-ups are mostly mastered but who the HELL can do 10 pull ups?)

A loss of boobs. (I didn't notice this one, but OTHERS did)

A pair of homemade socks. (Thank you, Barbie, I LOVE them!)

A first movie at the Byrd with Jason. (I LOVE YOU MAN!)

A dinner with the Amanda gang. (She would have snorted with laughter, several times)

A new puppy for Jason. (Pix to come -- once the little bastard stands still long enough for me to take a pic)

A long conversation with a dear friend. (One of these days, I'm coming to San Antonio!!)

Tell all your single friends, living life leaves little time for blogging Chez Smitten.

XO, JamieSmitten

I Am in Love!

2009-05-13T17:18:00.004-04:00

With NYC!!!!!
And Jason

Tell all your single friends, drive it like you stole it.

XO, JamieSmitten

Weekend Meditations

2009-04-19T20:36:00.002-04:00

Too many margaritas affect my balance negatively
I look pretty hot with a purple eye
My knee, although bruised in all new ways, is freaking tough
Letting your friends pick their ringtones is a great idea
Picking your own ringtones while intoxicated is a bad idea
Shots are expensive
Missing bras are often found under seat cushions at the least opportune time

Tell all your single friends, older, certainly no wiser.

XO, JamieSmitten

How Conveeeeeeeeenient!

2009-04-10T19:23:00.002-04:00

I just realized that I can hold my ice cold screwdriver against my sore knee and then I don't have to go get an ice pack!

Yes, the knee is jacked up again. Combo of KYA Boot Camp and kneeling, if you get my drift.

The screwdriver is tasty and I highly recommend the Richmond-produced Cirrus Vodka.

There -- two tips! And one salacious tidbit.

Tell all your single friends, whatever it takes.......

XO, JamieSmitten

Life Is Not Fair

2009-04-06T07:58:00.004-04:00

Some king cab truck that is literally TWICE the length of my economical Mazda has been parked at the median ALL NIGHT.

No uniformed cop and inspector gadget asshat policeman are standing there handing out tickets. Or towing.

I'm being targeted, I tell you.

The universe is exacting payment for finally providing a steady flow of sex.

Tell all your single friends, $40 is a bargain for what I've been getting.

XO, JamieSmitten

I'm a Hot Dumb Ass!

2009-04-03T14:36:00.002-04:00

I have lived in the city of Richmond for fourteen years and I have never had a parking ticket. I've had a parking ticket in DC, but never in Richmond. Until last night.

I came home from work and took Boom for a walk as usual. I had several errands to run, so I went back out. Dog treats, leg wax strips, eye drops, banana bread ingredients, and a pedicure. So when I got home at 7:45 in flip-flops with tons of bags and couldn't find a parking spot on the street in the immediate 2 blocks, I pulled up to the median to unload.

Note -- everybody in the neighborhood has done this once or twice to unload a car. We live in a small shopping district with a theater and restaurants, so evening parking can be difficult. In fact, during last weekend's French Film Festival, there were TWO cars parked where I parked for the entire day. No tickets.

I had every intention of moving my car onto the street as soon as a spot opened. But then I made some dinner (stir fried rice, and arugula/spinach mix with sprouts and lemon gorgonzola dressing, thanks for asking) and started watching ER. I mean this is the end of 15 years of ER, it is understandable that I was distracted from watching the road.

Then Neighbor John calls around 11 and says, "Is that your car parked at the median?" To which I replied, "Oh crap! I totally forgot to move it!" His response was, "Well you might want to get out there because there are 2 cop cars by it." So I go running outside in my pedicure flipflops (O.P.I. Blue My Mind, thanks for noticing), saying apologetically, "OHMYGOSH I TOTALLY fell asleep on the couch! I'm so sorry, I had a ton of bags to carry in, I'll move it right now."

Response of the uniformed officer? "I've got something for you," and hands me a ticket. They both walk away and the plainclothed officer (a dead ringer for Inspector Gadget in his tightly belted trencoat) offers over his shoulder, "You're lucky that I can still cancel the tow."

So I got in my car and turned the radio up to cover the expletives I was bestowing upon these two inflexible asshats and moved my car.

I get to pay a $40 ticket for being a forgetful dumb ass.

Today, I was walking through the grocery store getting the baking ingredients I forgot the previous night and as I rounded the corner, passed a man with a small kid in the cart. He literally did a double take. It was text book. He could give lessons in double take. So I looked at him a second longer than I would ordinarily have to see if he looked familiar. He didn't.

He started to look familiar because I passed him three more times while collecting the 7 items I was purchasing (13 if you count the apples individually, thanks for clarifying). When I was paying, he walked slowly by with his groceries, eyeing me the whole time. He wasn't overly creepy looking, but the eye contact was getting to be a bit much. After paying, I headed for the other exit just to be on the safe side.

Nope, he was lingering, so as I finally made it to my car, he rolls by slowly with the window down and hisses, "Niiiiiiccccccceeeeee."

So there you have it. I'm not reliably bright, but I am noticeably hot. At least to supermarket stalkers.

Tell all your single friends, parking tickets suck. Even for hot people.

XO, JamieSmitten

My Small Contribution

2009-03-30T20:53:00.003-04:00

My tissue-typing kit arrived today. I rubbed four swabs on four sections of my inner cheeks (swallow first!) and stuck them in a foam holder. One bio hazard label later and my results are ready for the post office.

In about six weeks, my marrow particulars will be added to the National Marrow Donor Program® Registry.

Hopefully, I will have the opportunity to save somebody as special as Amanda.

Tell all your single friends, find out more at www.marrow.org

XO, JamieSmitten

Requiescat In Pace

2009-03-26T14:02:00.005-04:00

My friend Amanda left this realm last night. She battled AML like the true zombie fighter she was and I am completely at a loss.

What I do know is that Amanda was a very special person to many, many people and that she will be laughing with me whenever I read a scathingly witty blog or hear somebody using nail clippers at work.

This life is a short ride. Find the sweetness and surround yourself with the people who matter.

Amanda mattered.

There is a wonderful tribute at Pajiba to Amanda.

Boy, Are YOU Behind!

2009-03-25T15:15:00.002-04:00

Despite my lack of posting which might have made you think nothing was going on, something has been going on. Something has definitely been going on.

Here are some things you have missed in no particular order which may or may not get more detail in future posts:

New couch is in the living room! Long live the 35 year old predecessor -- which has already been cannibalized in the alley.
I wii-ed for the first time! I'm aces at trivia and fairly sucky at obstacle courses while riding a yak.
I SAW MORRISSEY. You'll hear more about that. And the fact that he -- JUST LIKE ME -- has to keep pulling up his jeans because he's a no ass having hottie.
Boom's knee is a little better. Trying to hop on the new couch isn't helping.
I've been sucked back into several reality shows and yes, I hate myself.
I learned that KYA Boot Camp wall squats are the BEST preparation a girl can have for balancing in nasty portajohns.
I learned the previous lesson because I never learn that Church Hill Irish Festival Guinness and Harp drinking requires pacing and a large bladder.
I've had sex 3 days in a row. You'll definitely hear more about that.

On that note, I'm going upstairs to extend this unprecedented string of damn fine cardio.

Tell all your single friends, Sex is just as fabulous as Smitten remembered!

XO, JamieSmitten

From Britain With Love

2009-03-02T20:15:00.002-05:00

[Shuffleathon is a delightful cd exchange administered handily by SwissToni. You send a cd, you get a cd -- all very random and sometimes anonymous. Kind of like music safe sex. These people know music, so it is a darn shame that they might end up with a cd from me.]

I received my Shuffleathon 2008 cd in the mail at least well over a month ago. I swore I wouldn't spoil the surprise by reading the track listing, but I did. First glance was a big hooray -- some familiar, some that probably should be familiar, and some totally new (to me) songs.

The only thing I didn't know was who made it -- as the post-it only stated it was from the "Shuffleathon Pixie." I pictured tights and was a little bit scared. There was a lovely polaroid picture in the case and I'm properly set for my British musical extravaganza to begin.

Since I have a 25 minute drive to work, I do most of my uninterrupted cd listening in the car. I've been listening to this cd for several weeks now and I really enjoy it. Even the songs that didn't initially interest me have become familiar and listenable. Details? Read on.

1. Intro - a few audio snippets to set the mood. She adored London...Yes, London...Mary Fucking Poppins, London! The male voice sounds a bit like Denis Leary?

2. My Year in Lists by Los Campesinos I cherish with fondness the day before I met you. It seemed like the name of a band I read about in Entertainment Weekly and thought, "that might be worth checking out," and then never did. It is a chipper and cheeky song and I quite enjoy singing along. Lots of high hat and tinkly instruments -- but don't let that scare you off. Good start.

3. Nightlife by Kenickie No I don't want to see you, friend, but thanks for asking. Another upbeat tune, happily for me. Grrl power, in a dance-ish sort of way. It was quite surprised when I looked them up and found out this song is from 1997. Sounds current to me. Thumbs up.

4. A British Bank by David Tomlinson and Julie Andrews Children should be molded, shaped and taught, that life's a looming battle to be faced and fought. Yes -- THAT Julie Andrews. An interlude from Mary Poppins. In keeping with the London theme and fine by me as it reminds me of seeing the movie with my goddaughter. O.K., I do sometimes fast forward past this track, but I leave it on just as often. Points for wit.

5. For Tomorrow by Blur She's a twentieth century girl, hanging on for dear life. The only Blur album I have ever owned was Parklife and listening to this track, I can't for the life of me justify not having bought another. Excellent song. Going directly to record store two blocks away to rummage through used cds and fill this now glaring gap in my collection. Ta!

6. School Song by Black Box Recorder Destroy your record collection, it's for your own protection. This is why Shuffleathon is so great -- I would probably have never stumbled across Black Box Recorder if left to my own devices. I didn't expect to like it, but I really do. And I definitely heard a variation on, "and what on earth is that you're wearing? this is an educational establishment, not a nightclub," when I was in high school. Definite singalong song.

7. Come Home Billy Bird by The Divine Comedy A bunch of Belgian businessmen and a strange drinking game, oh god why? I enjoyed the story of a trip from hell (given my recent Utah experience), but even after repeated play, I can't get past the annoying chorus of female whispersinging. I don't hate it, I just don't need it.

8. Sheila by Jamie T She didn't like thugs, but at the same time understood, fellas will be fellas 'til the end of time. English men like to send me this song. SwissToni included it on his consolation Shuffleathon 2007 cd and I liked it immediately. Happy to have it again. You can rarely go wrong with a Jamie in the mix.

9. Long Hot Summer (Pts. 1 & 2) by Helen Love You know the long hot summer won't pass me by. There is no way I wouldn't love a song that name drops The Undertones, The Ramones, and The Buzzcocks in the first thirty seconds. I literally can't wait to drive around in the summer heat with this song cranked loudly. This summer is going to be FANTASTIC!

10. Modern Art by Art Brut Modern Art makes me want to rock out! Well I never thought to put it that way, but sure, o.k.! I had to grab the cd case when this came on because I thought, "How did I miss The Pursuit of Happiness when I scanned the list of songs?" While this song does remind me of "I'm An Adult Now," it stands up just fine on its own. Art Brut is one of those bands I keep meaning to get around to checking out, but now I'm afraid the rest of the songs won't be good and modern arty like this one.

11. Bluebells by Patrick Wolf I fell off the wagon, into your arms. I really like the urgency of this song, but those damn whistling bombs which keep dropping in the background make me wish I knew someone who could strip that track off. I just sing more loudly and try not to have the Gap Band "You Dropped the Bomb on Me" flashbacks. I have no idea who Patrick Wolf is, but his voice is lovely.

12. Tacky Love Song by Credit to the Nation This is the way that the story goes, when you find love, the harmony grows. Another song from 10 years ago -- starting to wonder if the cd author did some reading on my blog and decided I was old and I needed some old songs. Doesn't do much for me, but a month into rotation, I do sing along with bits of it. No harm there.

13. It's Getting Boring by the Sea by Blood Red Shoes Oh no, no no no no, can't escape anything in this town. Now this is more like it! Love the speed of this song -- sounds a bit like Shirley Manson singing -- and the blisters, blisters, blisters refrain makes me think of another song I like a lot--Bandages by Hot Hot Heat. I would definitely see this band in concert - and Myspace informs me that they are touring, but not here, damn it.

14. London by The Pet Shop Boys what do you expect from us, we come from abroad. Can't mistake Neil Tennant. I'm exceedingly grateful that sticking to the London/GB theme did not mean the inclusion of West End Girls. That's one Pet Shop Boys song that I need never hear again. Haven't listened to these guys since university, so nice to be reminded that there was more than the afore-mentioned crap song.

[Starting to feel guilty because my cd recipient only got 12 songs. And there wasn't much of a theme. And she was great about it anyway.]

15. Paris by Friendly Fires one day we're going to live in Paris, I promise, I'm on it. Bring it on! Love the sentiment and the earnestness of the chorus which gives way to the chilled out synth verses. This is as techno as I wish to get and it totally works for me.

16. I Can't Speak French by Girls Aloud I can't speak french, so I'll let the funky music do the talking. Oh dear. Is this the Pussycat Dolls? Nope, Girls Aloud -- a manufactured girl band from the UK. Yes, I now sing along with the chorus (even though I can speak french) because it contains that pop music anesthetic that after repeated listenings, makes you just obey and sing along. Argh. Let's move on.

17. American English by Idlewild then you contract the American dream, you never look up once. I'm a bit disappointed, honestly, as I thought Idlewild was one of those bands that I would like, having read the occasional review. It could be suffering from being stuck between the songs by the ~~fake bands~~ bands with singers instead of musicians. Not remotely memorable, but not painful either. I am probably too lazy to go find out if the rest of their work is more to my taste, but maybe I'm not.

18. Greatest Day by Take That Before we run out of time. Oh dear. The name sounded familiar and a quick Google reminded me why. This is from whence Robbie Williams came. Although this is apparently the post-Robbie brand new single. Not for me. I love boys in bands, just not boy bands. Next!

19. It's Grim Up North by The JAMs Sheffield, Manchester, Castleford...are all in the North. Back to some more acid house (?) type stuff. Not my genre, but quite a geography lesson with the recitation of towns that are, no coincidence, all in the North. Decent music for driving and usually makes me wonder how many of those towns I could visit on a trip. Although with the grimness and all, maybe this isn't supposed to be a travelogue?

20. Life in a Northern Town by Dream Academy and everyone else came down to listen. Totally dating myself here, but this song was played by many of my univeristy friends in their dorm rooms. I never borrowed the cassette (ooh! Smitten IS old!), but I always liked the song. I had totally forgotten about the screaming after the Beatles reference. Nice memory and turns out to be a good segue into the final song.

21. One Day Like This by Elbow cause holy cow, I love your eyes, and only now I see the light. Now I was really hoping to like this song when I saw Elbow on the tracklist as SwissToni has sung their praises in numerous posts. It starts off with some pretty, swelling orchestration and I think it is going to be too somber. But it turns out to be an anthem of hope or at least that is my take. Good. I've enjoyed Elbow. I'll seek out more.

So there you go. I feel well done by and send my thanks (and apologies for slackness in reviewing) to ... Delrico Bandito! (When I imported the album into my laptop, the true identity of the Shuffleathon Pixie was revealed.) I've checked out his blog and he has loads of music stuff, so clearly, he is a bit of a professional when it comes to cd making. Hooray for me!

Tell all your single friends, try it -- you'll 95% like it!

XO, JamieSmitten

Real Text Messages on My Phone

2009-02-28T21:57:00.000-05:00

SENT:

How did the big ziti smackdown go?

Requirements gathering. I had a hard time wondering why anyone would care.

I do love it! Just didn't recall talking about it.

I knew she'd go there, smoking & all

She's the bad karma express

I'm not sure I would call that MY eureka moment

Tragically bad. Did yr feet get some action?

Received:

Having raisin toast for breakfast and thinking of you!

Snow is as deep as a gnome's chin! Ha!

She's so weird. so very weird. and quite the bus-thrower-under.

Wanna bail 2morrow?

and nothing helps? drugs heat chocolate?

Read'n about buttery nipples while I eat lunch, whatCHOO doing?

it wasn't my ass, it was my thighs!

Tell all your single friends, who are you calling a twitter?

XO, JamieSmitten

The Things You Hear

2009-02-26T20:52:00.003-05:00

On the phone tonight, the Rev said:

It must be the hoar frost that keeps me young

That just sounds funny.

Tell all your single friends, it only sounds like it should be spelled w-h-o-r-e.

XO, JamieSmitten

Photo from http://www.maryedwardsphotography.com

I've Got Spirit, Yes I Do!

2009-02-24T19:30:00.005-05:00

DELTA SPIRIT!

Totally worth the drive to Charlottesville last night. And that hand that touched Dave Wakeling? It has now been held in a two hand clasp by Matt Vasquez, lead hottie for Delta Spirit.

Concert-o-rama 2009 is a freaking success -- and only 2 months in! Best idea I've had in years.

It was a quick drive there with plenty of time to reflect on how nice it was to be on the road -- even if for only 70 miles -- and how glad I was to not be trying to make conversation with couch guy. I had a cup of coffee just in case my body started to rebel, having obediently done 150 lunges at Boot Camp at 5:30 that morning. [Yes, Jeifer, I was counting.]

Mapquest actually provided decent directions to the downtown mall and I took the lazy route and parked in a lot. I really should have parked on the street and spent that $8 on beer, but single woman safety first, right? Short walk across the street and $10 at the door and I'm just in time to order a beer and get a good spot for the opening act.

The Gravity Lounge has a great beer selection, so I started with a Maudite. It just appeals to the french major in me. Plus it has enough % to get the party started. It is an odd little venue -- a bookstore with a stage and beer. Decent enough acoustics although the low ceiling made me really hope there would be no pyrotechnics in the show. I identified all exits just in case.

Dawes was the first band. 4 guys and some excellent songwriting from California. A little more mellow than I usually listen to, but the live show sold me. Nice guitar work and some propulsive drumming, especially on When My Time Comes. I bought the cd and I'm not sorry. These boys make commercial radio crap like The Fray sound overproduced and amateurish. Up with Dawes!!

The second band was Other Lives. They were decent, but didn't hook me. So I used my time wisely by visiting the facilities, checking out the C-ville hipsters, and buying a Magic Hat #9. My beer cap said "It's Good to be Queen." Felt like career advice to me. Duly noted.

The place started to get more crowded and everyone who had been sitting on the floor got up and prepared to feel the spirit. A short equipment change later and we were ready to go.

Delta Spirit took the stage to some polite applause and proceeded to get things moving. Now I'd love to tell you that I remember every song and in which order they made me shake my ass, but gosh, I don't. I liked them all though. They definitely played my favorites from the radio and Letterman Show: People C'Mon, Trashcan, and Streetwalker.

My love is coming I can barely hardly wait

My heart is thumping I can feel it more with every beat

My love is coming I can barely hardly wait around

Mmmmm -- yessssssss. The place is so small that every drum thump or trashcan lid crash (more pleasant than you would think) hit me in the chest with a pleasing vibration. It was definitely a hipster crowd, so those of us dancing to the hypnotic beat were in the minority, but everyone seemed to get it -- the infectious joy of musicians playing together perfectly.

If you're feeling what I'm feeling c'mon

All you soul searching people c'mon

It should have been a sell out and it should have been in a bigger place. Fortunately, this will happen. We just need to spread the word.

The drive home was fairly uneventful, except for the empty gas tank light coming on 20 miles from home. So I stopped at Sheetz (brightly lit for single woman safety --check!) where I learned 2 new things. 1> You can't buy lottery tickets between 11 p.m. and 6 a.m. 2> Pumping gas is quite delightful when the muzak playing over the tinny speakers is Rod Stewart singing "If Ya Want My Body."

Tell all your single friends, support independent music and buy Ode To Sunshine by Delta Spirit. You will not be sorry

XO, JamieSmitten

Step 1

2009-02-12T19:14:00.002-05:00

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

I've already consumed TWO and Easter is still two months away. Cadbury should sponsor a 12 step recovery program. I can't be the only one who needs help.

Tell all your single friends, only 5 mg of cholesterol in each creamy oeuf!

XO, JamieSmitten

Nine Days Sober......Not!

2009-02-08T10:19:00.007-05:00

Where to begin? With Gilligan and Stripey? With bacon wrapped around dates? With a strange (albeit cute) man on my couch?

We'll start where all good stories start. With the buttery nipples.

Actually, I probably need to give a little background. When I first moved to Richmond, I lived with a bunch of people. It was kind of like having the entire cast of Friends living in one apartment. But break-ups happen, people buy houses, and suddenly the (not even yet contemplating a career as a) Rev and I were on our own -- with a $1000 rent payment. So we advertised and interviewed for potential roommates. I was leaning towards the young, impressionable boys from VCU -- hopefully with a steady stream of equally impressionable friends.

But then we interviewed M. M stood out during her interview because she brought a peppy friend and tried to stab me with a knife. O.K. it was some sort of sleight of hand trick, but the knife did point at and then touch my stomach. Anywho, with this type of entrance, how could we resist? So M moved in with her owl and all was well on Stuart Ave. Peppy girl became DFF, so there you have the players.

Friday night, M came to town and DFF left the West End and we essentially recreated a night from our first year of acquaintance. Some of the trappings are different -- we buy more expensive beer now, we snack on hummus instead of chips, we wear clothes that don't need to be drycleaned to get the smoky bar smell out. But the essentials? That remains the same. We do the girly stuff like use hairspray and assure each other that we are in fact, quite hot -- no "still" about it. We listen to music, we catch up, and we drink buttery nipples.

Well lubricated, we walked over to the bar -- the same bar we always used to go to -- to see a group we always used to see. It was kind of dead at first but it picked up. Helped in no small part by my commitment to dancing, even when nobody else does. Besides, standing up allowed me to meet Gilligan -- an odd man in a Gilligan hat who touched my back every time he passed me. It was kind of creepy, but he looked a little off, so I let it go.

More beer, more dancing. I was thrilled to not be the one who spotted a long-forgotten FWB -- DFF had that honor. His girlfriend was Stripey. It was funny if you were there. Then we found the possibly only normal and good-looking male in the bar and convinced him to dance with us. This being Richmond, he was a friend of a friend of DFF. Richmond is 2 degrees of separation, in case you didn't know.

Lights came up, nobody was ready to stop, so we hot-stepped it over to another bar who firmly refused to serve us. I will attribute this to the late hour as we were clearly a fine looking bunch. Not to be deterred we lurched homeward with the promise of more buttery nipples on our lips. And they were good, although in the morning it appears I had a heavy hand with the schnapps as there is still some Bailey's left. Irksome. There may have been some Morgan and coke. There was definitely some beer.

And just when I was thinking this strange man might warrant a closer look, I slipped. I mixed my party favors. And as M did point out the next morning, "you can't do that, Smitten."

So a short time later, I was on the back porch trying desperately not to coat my Docs with the 3 cherry tomatoes, 5 tostitos, and 4 brownie bites. Thank goodness I don't eat meat, because the bacon-wrapped dates from our first party stop of the night would not have helped anyone in the immediate vicinity of my regurgitation. Thankfully, M lived with me long enough to know that once they dry heaves were done, I could be safely sent to bed. With this on the floor next to me:

When we woke up the next morning, the strange man was gone from the couch, his bedding neatly folded. Well, the bedding and the shower curtain that M had thoughtfully provided as a blanket. Deluxe accommodations, I tell you.

"I totally thought you were going to hook up with him." Sigh. The sad refrain of my life.

I gathered up the empties and carried them out to the recycling bin, where I found a dead bird. I told DFF and she said, "Maybe he ate your puke and it killed him."

Maybe it did.

Everyone was recovered by 2-ish. And I bet we do it again before the year is out. But this time, I'm not mixing my party favors and I'm getting some.

Tell all your single friends, old friends and buttery nipples, don't knock it until you've tried it.

XO, JamieSmitten

We Are in a Recession, People!

2009-02-04T21:56:00.003-05:00

So there was truly no excuse for me to pay $2.81 for a grapefruit.

Yes. A grapefruit. One. It was organic and weighed in at an impressive 1.13 lbs. but still, it seems a bit excessive, doesn't it?

I know better than to buy fruit at Ellwood Thompson. I love the store, but it really is targeted at the wealthy people who live on the other side of the Boulevard.

But it was Sunday morning and I was in desperate need of organic milk for my oatmeal and Cafe Bustelo and I just couldn't face the pre-Super Bowl hordes at Kroger. Plus I wanted to look at the sea buckthorn oil lotion.

There was a nice sample plate of oranges and they were good. And that damn grapefruit was just sitting there firm and redolent of sunny days in a faraway place where surely my knees wouldn't be aching from dancing. Sigh.

I also spent $15.99 on sea buckthorn lotion that appears to stain my face orange. But that's another story.

Tell all your single friends, I ate every darn juicy segment, and the seeds.

XO, JamieSmitten

Just Hold My Hand While I Come

2009-02-01T01:34:00.003-05:00

Dave Wakeling shook my hand -- shut up -- no I won't -- I'm not even kidding, he really did.

2 Tone came to Richmond and Richmond represented. Oh sure, we were old and gray and some of us will be limping for days because no matter how strenuous the KYA Boot Camp walking lunge is, it does NOT compare to two+ hours of skanking. My Doc Martens kept my feet happy, but the knees are another story.

God Bless the English Beat!

I missed the opening act, because, well, I'm like that. Local musicians, decent enough was the word from one of the many co-workers I ran into at the show.

I arrived just in time to see Bad Manners take the stage. [Time for an observation: Ska bands that have been around for 30 years have generally replaced many if not all of the musicians, leaving the lone original frontman to embody everything that band was. This is clearly because ska is hard on the old bones, as lamented above.] In any case Buster Bloodvessel was in fine shape to lead his young band through their paces. Excellent horn section, tight rhythm, and a good set of about 12 songs. [Observation #2: I can't remember set lists to save my life. Possibly because I'm dancing madly and sweatily and possibly because Dave Wakeling shook my hand and all that went before means nothing. If you like concert reviews with actual reference to songs, go to Forgotten Disc Friday and let March to the Sea lead you onward. He's so good at the concert and record review, he gets free tickets.]

Anyway, Bad Manners ripped through a decent set including My Girl Lollipop, Lip Up Fatty, Special Brew, and Skaville UK. Hell -- I remembered way more songs than I thought I would. Crowd jumped and hollered back when directed, which is pretty damn unusual for a Richmond crowd. Usually they are too hip to acknowledge the opening acts and stand with their back to the stage talking loudly whilst gripping their PBR tall boys. But tonight, everyone seemed to be there to actually enjoy the show. I found a small piece of space and proceeded to sweat off my make-up within 3 songs. GOD I LOVE LIVE MUSIC.

I also had a momentary panic when I looked down and realized my genuine, purchased in 1982 at Commander Salamander, English Beat 2 Tone Girl pin was missing from my jacket. Fortunately, the concert gods parted the bodies and I managed to snatch it back from the sticky floor. The pin went safely in my pocket for the English Beat. Well, I say safely, but I did sustain one stab to the tender upper thigh area as the pin came undone. Price of rock and roll, I say.

So Bad Manners finished and the window of opportunity appeared. A straight shot up to the front stage left. I went. [Observation #3: If you concert with me and it is a band I really want to see, you are on your own for liquids and bathroom. I sweat out all fluids and will drink what you bring me, but damn if I'm giving up my spot for a beer. Just so you know.] So I moved up to the second row.

Second row is actually a bit tricky at Toad's Place. The people who walked right to the front as soon as the door opened are against a metal railing. Behind the metal railing is a 4 foot wide raised wooden step. Second row means you have the constant possibility of your energetic dancing dropping you off the raised wooden level and onto the foot of the people behind you. Sorry, pork pie hat guy! I only got you once. I settled in and waited. About 45 minutes, maybe more.

At 11 p.m. the English Beat took the stage. Dave is a wee little fellow with a lovely smile. The current toaster is Antony First Class. He kept the crowd moving and chanting and I do not doubt that we did lose weight as he swore we would. The sax player was hot, hot, hot and if you see me, I'll show you proof on my phone. [Observation #4: I was not the only one who thought he was hot. A random drunk next to me pulled off her bra and flung it at his feet.]

So off they went, starting with Whine and Grine and moving to Stand Down Margaret. Perfect. They played soooo many songs -- they were on for well over an hour and a half. Mirror in the Bathroom, Hands Off She's Mine, Can't Get Used to Losing You, Tears of a Clown, I Confess, Twist & Crawl, Two Swords, and my favorite, Save It For Later. Although picking a favorite seems ridiculous because there wasn't a bad song in the bunch. I've just always been partial to "Just hold my hand while I come.....to a decision on it." We also got some Tenderness which again whipped the crowd into a frenzy.

When it was all over, Dave came off the stage and shook hands with everyone in the front row. I had made it to front row when some people left before the encore. [Observation #5: I will NEVER be the person to leave before the encore. I'm not missing one minute of any encore.]

So there you have it. January concert -- The English Beat w/Bad Manners -- was a massive success. Let's see if February can compare.

Tell all your single friends, I don't know when to stop or when to start!

XO, JamieSmitten

This is Weird, Right?

2009-01-27T20:30:00.002-05:00

I wax my legs. When times are good, I go to Jutta and pay for the long-lasting pleasure of no shaving. When times are lean, I wax at home.

I used to do it old school: heat the container, use the cloth strips, make a mess of drips all over the back porch. [Natural light is key. Neighbor John is a saint and ignores me when I wax al fresco.] Then I found the pre-waxed strips. They aren't quite as efficient, but they are much cleaner and faster.

So I've been using the pre-waxed strips for a few years. Not frequently, maybe 3 times a year. And just recently, Boom has started to take issue.

Boom used to lie on his cot and enjoy the sunshine while I ruthlessly denuded my legs follicle by follicle. Didn't even waste a glance. Now, as I begin to pull the strips apart, he begins to whine and look for an evacuation route. He will run upstairs and sit in the bedroom until I call him. He won't come all the way downstairs until I show him that there are no strips in my hand and assure him repeatedly that I'm all done.

It does make a tearing noise -- like pulling out a length of packing tape. Interestingly, Boom now leaves the room when I use tape too. He did not participate in Christmas present wrapping; he didn't even stay in the room.

So tonight, I gave him his supper and went upstairs to the bedroom to wax my legs. [Emergency late night wax as Boot Camp is inside tomorrow which means shorts which means deforestation must occur, natural light be damned]. He whined a few times to indicate that he didn't appreciate being left downstairs, but he didn't get agitated.

Problem solved, right? Nope. An hour later, I pulled up my pajama leg to scratch my leg and Boom leaned over to sniff my leg. He reared back, got off the couch, and proceeded to pace and whine.

So is it the sound or the smell? And WHY does he care? Boys. Completely weird.

Tell all your single friends, waxing is better, but not for everyone.

XO, JamieSmitten

Hopeful (with a dash of reality)

2009-01-20T18:30:00.003-05:00

Hooray! Now we can get down to the business of restoring our economy, ending this war, and redeeming ourselves in the eyes of the world.

And if we could hurry up with that, I'd be thrilled. Especially since my quarterly 401k statement arrived in the mail to inform me that my Personal Rate of Return for the past quarter was -39.4%.

On the plus side, I also received From Britain...with Love -- my very own official Shuffleathon 2008 cd. Review to follow once I have properly reviewed the music (naked, with alcohol).

Tell all your single friends, Good Times are on the way!

XO, JamieSmitten

New Music + Best Friends = WIN!

2009-01-17T23:44:00.003-05:00

Singer Neko Case has a new album out called Middle Cyclone.

She is a supporter of Best Friends Animal Society and you know that is a place that is very close to my heart. For every blog that posts her new single, a $5 donation will be made to Best Friends.

I'm not familiar with any of Neko's previous work, but I kind of like this song.

Download the MP3 -- Neko Case: People Got a Lotta Nerve

Tell all your single friends, repost this on your blog!!

XO, JamieSmitten

Jogging Pays Off!

2009-01-17T18:10:00.002-05:00

I was CARDED today when I ordered a beer at lunch. Yes, I have a witness, although Lianne did chuckle in disbelief when it happened.

Tell all your single friends, tip your blind waitresses well!!!!!

XO, JamieSmitten

Single: The Good, The Bad, and The Horny

2009-01-13T19:44:00.004-05:00

I've been single for a long time. A really long time. My last official relationship ended in 2001.

There was a dalliance or two in the intervening years, but I think DRY SPELL is appropriate terminology when applied to my love life.

I'm friendly -- unless you piss me off, I'm intelligent -- unless I'm trying to justify my past boyfriend choices, I'm an excellent conversationalist -- unless we are talking about college sports or the merits of the Republican party, and I can dance -- unless you mean break dancing.

Add home and car ownership, a small amount of retirement funds, and breasts that while lower than they were 10 years ago still get respect, and I'm thinking that this is a reasonably attractive offer. And don't forget! I have jogged within the past week.

So where my men at? I managed to throw a leg over one youngster in 2008, but that just reminded me that I really like sex. Even fairly quick don't-bother-taking-off-your-socks-because-you-aren't-staying sex. I need more of that in 2009.

So where my men at? It certainly isn't Craigslist. Although I'm a devoted reader of Men Seeking Women, Casual Encounters, and Missed Connections. (Tip: Forget the Richmond CL, go straight for the freaks in the SF Bay area. Holy Hannah, there are some unique individuals looking for lust!) It doesn't seem to work well for anyone because many of the posts have plaintive titles like "Just seeing if there is anyone real on here." Full disclosure: I did respond to one post (because he was the only person to not say "hit me up") only to have a one word reply "Pic?" I sent it and then using the clues in his post, found his former band's Myspace page which led to his blog which led to the info that he worked AT MY PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. Sometimes I hate Richmond. He must not have liked the picture or maybe my second email to him noting that as a fellow employee he might have the courtesy to reply as "not interested" scared him. Whatev. He was short.

So where my men at? It certainly isn't eHarmony. The majority of profiles that were sent to me based on a much vaunted list of matching characteristics made me doubt the very existence of soul mates. Never has there been a larger group of incompatible men. However you have to give them props for some wicked howlers:

The most influential person in Sam Single's life has been: My son, having a child is not only amazing but it puts you in a frame of mind that makes your realize you are responsible for the life of another.

[I doubt his mind needed a very big frame]

Profession: 44 yr old physician who lives in the Isle of White

[Um. That would be the Isle of WIGHT, unless you were being ironic about your West End neighborhood]

Some additional information Sam Single wanted you to know is: I'm constantly reading and I try to read books that I enjoy and they include fiction and non-fiction.

[When I read I look at the words and the words are in sentences next to the big pictures]

The things Sam Single can't live without are:
Baseball
Spell Check
Sushi
Modigliani
Good Friends

[Bitch! Your friends are so much more important than Modigliani. But you are right, a good spicy tuna roll is hard to beat.]

Some additional information Sam Single wanted you to know is: I consider myself having an errant disposition with a passion for adventure & intellectual enrichment. I'm a monogamist in the purest sense & tend to be very demonstrative when it comes to affection & passion once I become comfortable with that person. I enjoy formal events but unpretentious, casual settings are my overriding preference. Especially enjoy that "one on one" time with that unique someone. I'm an ardent believer that life's most poignant, as well as casual moments are shared with one's better half.

[Get away from me, you impure monogamists!!]

Seriously, I couldn't make this crap up if I tried. So you see where I'm going?

So where my men at? I've had slightly more action from GreenSingles.com. Admittedly it is stacking the deck with liberal, animal-loving, non-hunters to choose from, but what are my other options? I've had some email exchanges, but for the most part, I'm getting declarations of love from the 50+ set. Some of whom live in teepees. No, you read that right. Read on:

Something about you: I'm a TIPI-MAKER and PEACE ACTIVIST trying to facilitate a CONSCIOUSNESS REVOLUTION by way of "re-creating" the TRIBAL CIRCLE OF FAMILY....Into permaculture,organic gardening,music festivals, and radical "green" politics....(and other FUN and LIFE-affirming stuff)

[Yes! There was a picture of the teepee AND the teepee maker!]

Something about you: Since i was an infant I was aware a of a deep and intense longing to personally know the ultimate ground of being. At first it was incoate (sic) but it became clearer and more intense toughout chidhood. At the age of 12 I had a profound mystical experance that catapulted me into an even more intense search for the divine.

[At the age of 42, I profoundly puked when reading this profile]

And let's be clear about this. The mate options on GreenSingles are still better than SantaMatch or PlentyofFish.com. Is it just me or does that look like plenty offish? As in, "that meat looks plenty offish. You'd probably get sick and die if you ate it."

So there you have it. I can have a TIVO season pass to Rock of Love Bus and not have to justify it to a significant other. I can allow my Boom to have one whole side of the bed and not have to squeeze in between him and my man. I can have only beer and lettuce in my refrigerator and that is o.k.

And I'm not saying I'd give all that up. I'm just saying I wouldn't mind some action.

Tell all your single friends, Smitten's got ~~it all~~ most of it.

XO, JamieSmitten

You Won't Believe It!

2009-01-08T22:49:00.002-05:00

Because I don't! Guess what I did at 5:30 this morning? JOGGED. I know. I'll wait while you pick your chin up off the floor.

So I was sort of tricked into it. KickYourAssJennifer said, "Hey! Come to the Thursday walking club! It will be just like going out but without the drinks!" Trust me, she's incredibly hard to deny. This is undoubtedly why she is such a great trainer.

Anyhoo, I fell for it, so I was in my workout gear and at the field by 5:20. After everyone arrived we set off with a similar speed companion. Of course, KickYourAssJennifer neglected to mention that my companion was part giraffe. Seriously. Her legs ended at my waistband. I had neglected to broadcast my minuscule stride. The stride length of a fifth grader, or thereabouts. So a brisk walk for those two ended up being a steady jog for me. A seemingly never ending jog. They told me it was about a mile and a half, but I will need to drive that course because it had to have been longer. Felt longer.

It didn't kill me, so I might do it again.

Isn't that a great personal philosophy? Feel free to adopt it yourself!

On an unrelated note (because this started happening to me long before I jogged), my underwear kept falling down at work. It started out in the right place, but every chair shift or room change left me with underwear at half mast in the back. So annoying. Is it just me? And no, it isn't really old underwear and it does have proper elastic at the top. Over share?

Now I really must get back to writing my "Self Appraisal." This is an annual torture visited upon me by my employer. Results, Strengths, Development Opportunities. I'm leaning towards:

Smitten did lots of important and not so important things for mediocre pay and without going postal.

Sadly, I must provide examples. Before 7 a.m. tomorrow. Yes, you clever dog, "stop procrastinating" is my Development Opportunity.

Tell all your single friends, I'd pay $50 for someone to write this for me.

XO, JamieSmitten

Crushed!

2009-01-07T21:16:00.002-05:00

Craig Ferguson just got married, damn it, and it wasn't to me.

Tell all your single friends, it was a long shot, but it could have happened.

XO, JamieSmitten

Seriously?!?!?

2009-01-05T09:04:00.002-05:00

I took my car into the dealership on Friday for a front headlight bulb. I had been informed of the outage before Christmas but just didn't have time to get to it. That is what fog lights are for, right? I've got light on both sides -- just a little lower and smaller!

$49.36 and 45 minutes in a waiting room with two completely ill-mannered children and I was restored to my former well-lit glory.

Until this morning when I departed for Boot Camp in the dark and realized that now my LEFT headlight bulb is blown out. Apparently my light bulbs are Romeo and Juliet. Sigh.

On the plus side, I did 15 not too shabby push-ups today. But you really should have seen the kick lunges. I felt like I was auditioning for the Ministry of Silly Walks.

Tell all your single friends, save time, change all the bulbs at once.

XO, JamieSmitten

Another New Year of Medical Maladies Begins!

2009-01-03T21:37:00.004-05:00

Poor Boom, he has a wonderful 8th birthday with many presents (thanks, DFF!) and musical e-cards and then New Year's Eve comes. Boom's least favorite day of the year is Independence Day, but New Year's Eve comes a close second. Fireworks, suburbanites, disrupted sleep -- a veritable party pack of things we don't like.

So you would think that the poor boy had suffered enough. Nope. While out walking yesterday afternoon, Boom was unsuccessful in avoiding the many, many, MANY broken beer bottles on the sidewalks and cut his paw. Tough guy didn't let on and continued his determined pace for another 20 minutes, even pretending his knee wasn't sore either.

So when I returned to the kitchen after he drank his post-walk gallon of water, I was shocked to see the bloody prints all over the kitchen floor. It was kind of like there had been an armed skirmish between very little people and all that was left was the smears of blood where the bodies had fallen. (And just think, I don't even play video games. My imagination came up with that all by itself.)

So I followed Boom back to the living room with a wet paper towel and discovered that there was a small chunk missing out of one pad on his rear paw. To make matters worse, this is the paw attached to the leg which does not have cruciate ligament issues, so it bears more weight than the other. Although the pad had stopped bleeding, the wound reopened each time he walked on it that day.

Medical MacGyver to the rescue! It is quite something what I can do with a sock, a hair elastic, and a baggie. Really. See for yourself:

He got the sock off last night, but has worn it all day today without complaint and the paw seems to have not bled since this morning. Such a good boy.

This makes a complete trifecta of Boom issues: strained knee/ligament, cut pad, and the ever popular 'section of skin rubbed raw by constant obsessive licking.' Oy. It has been nice, though, to spend just about every minute of the past 4 days with him. Work on Monday is going to be harsh.

Tell all your single friends, show this post to the CSI team if they ever search my house for evidence.

XO, JamieSmitten

Music is My Hot, Hot Sex, Part 2

2009-01-01T00:19:00.003-05:00

Tuesday night I went to see Robert Randolph and the Family Band at the National, a new-ish venue in Richmond. The National is definitely as posh as advertised -- beautiful restoration and lots of bars and lounge type spaces to relax between sets.

DFF, Former Neighborette, and I arrived towards the end of the DJ Williams Projekt. That was a darn shame because they had some excellent trumpet and sax action and the decent sized crowd was moving happily. On the plus side, we found out that they play every Tuesday at a bar four blocks from my house, so we can see them again.

This being Richmond, when we wandered upstairs to check out the venue, we ran into the brother of another neighbor. Turns out we had plenty of time for talk because the next band was either very mellow or the bar was soundproofed because nothing we heard made us head for the dance floor.

Fortified in numbers and hops, our group headed back down for the headliners. I have seen Robert Randolph and the Family Band before and knew I was in for a funky good time. I was not disappointed. Switching frequently from steel guitar to a standard guitar, Randolph keeps the music flowing. There are definite gospel moments but the joy in the air comes from Randolph himself and his beaming smile which never wavers -- even when some overly zealous female fans were grabbing the merchandise. "Ain't Nothing Wrong With That" from the album Colorblind was an amazing encore. You couldn't help but dance, no matter how crappy your shoes were for dancing. Trust me.

I highly recommend attending a Family Band concert. It isn't just gospel, it isn't just Bonnaroo jam band, it is just damn fine music.

Tell all your single friends, only 30 days until the English Beat show!!!!!

XO, JamieSmitten

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T00:08:00.004-05:00

One of the benefits of living in a booming metropolis (cough) is the major New Year's Eve celebration. All day I have witnessed the influx of barricades, beer trucks, portajohns, and cotton candy stands.

After a stop at Neighbor John's for good liquor and food, I wandered down to the end of the street to watch the ball rise. It went much more smoothly than last year, but the fireworks were a little anticlimactic.

Thanks to my stellar camera, you will think it was much more exciting than it really was.

Now I'm settling in for a half hour or so of Boom barking frantically as all the partygoers stumble down the street looking for the cars they left many, many blocks away.

Tell all your single friends, 2009 is the Year of the Recovered Mojo!!

XO, JamieSmitten

Music is My Hot, Hot Sex

2008-12-30T17:52:00.004-05:00

Do you ever hear a song on the radio and instantly love it? Not just steering wheel tap enjoyment, but turn the volume up to 25 and seat dance using the full expanse of space between steering wheel and lumbar support?

Well I do. Kind of often. And then I have to race to my destination and Google the snippet of lyric I remember and/or go to the radio station website's now playing list to get the band name, then go to their Myspace page to see if I really did love it, and if any other songs are equally compelling. Depending upon that decision, I either buy the song or album and thus, another song joins my favorite list.

Today I heard "People C'mon" by Delta Spirit and LOVED IT.

Youtube has this live performance which doesn't even need to be turned up to 25 to achieve rocking.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EN_OFYIfM94

Delta Spirit is playing the Gravity Lounge in Charlottesville on February 23. Are you with me???

Tell all your single friends, Delta Spirit is also playing Portland, Texas, and Boston (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)

XO, JamieSmitten

Happy Holidays!

2008-12-25T22:00:00.004-05:00

Boom and I send our best wishes for happiness, health, peace, and super-sized treats for all your days.

Happy Holidays!

Tell all your single friends, MC and HNY!

XO, JamieSmitten

I'm That Kind of Girl

2008-12-15T21:36:00.005-05:00

The kind who would rather read than vacuum. Thankfully, I'm also not one of those people who have to finish chores before they sit down with a cuppa and good book. I'm one of those people who has a folder in her gmail called Books2Read that is full of emails I send myself with books I want to read that I read about somewhere.

When my borderline high cholesterol finally takes me out, it will be with book in hand and dog hair all around.

I'm just saying.

Tell all your single friends, you've GOT to read this*!

XO, JamieSmitten

*The Monsters of Templeton by Lauren Groff, the Jackson Brodie series by Kate Atkinson (start with Case Histories and call me for the next 2), Twelve Sharp by Janet Evanovich (laugh out loud funny).....oh don't get me started!

Kanab Day 2: Happy Birthday to Me!

2008-12-14T23:15:00.001-05:00

What could possibly get me to set an alarm and get up at 7 a.m. on my birthday?

PUPPY SOCIALIZATION CLASS!

I KNOW!

So my birthday morning dawned bright and warm. Pretty darn warm. Kanab is high desert climate, so nights are cold, but days are sunny and bright. Really bright. This is what the sky looked like every day:

After modeling my fabulous angora scarf lovingly created by Wombat and then scarfing (Ha!) down coffee and doughnut from the lobby, we drove straight to the Dog Town Clinic for puppy socialization class. We were early (still planning for traffic!) and got to see a charming dog earn a lot of treats for being so darn sweet when asking for them:

The soft touch with the treat pouch was our puppy socialization leader Don. He led about ten of us volunteers back to the puppy area after explaining the puppy socialization program. Often, adopted puppies are returned just for being puppies -- curious, unpredictable, and wild. The primary goal of puppy socialization class is to accustom the puppies to being touched, handled, and surrounded by humans. Desensitization to people and their surroundings (umbrellas, loud noises, sudden movements) makes for a well-adjusted pet. Since Best Friends instituted the program, only one puppy has been returned by an adopter.

Suddenly, puppies are being handed out the door and I get to carry one up to the play area. There were four puppies -- survivors of parvo -- named Potter, Berks, Bedford, and Erie. We worked on name recognition, leash walking, and touching. The puppies were clearly precocious veterans of the class at 18 weeks and enjoyed all the attention. I was too busy hugging, but Wombat came through with some great pictures. There just can't be enough puppy love for me:

Don't tell Boom, but there was kissing.

After puppies, we were sent to another set of dog octagons for more walking and socializing. The different puppies were just as lovely as those from the first day. Including Chance who had one up and one down ear, making for a spectacular shadow:

Thoroughly blissed out on puppies and dogs by noon break, we headed over for our second round of $4 vegetarian buffet delight. I believe this was yummy vegetarian pot pie day. We had some time to kill before we visited the ~~horrifying~~ scary bunny sanctuary, so we drove back over to the welcome center to shop at the Best Friends store. Despite a marked lack of magnets and pins (hint to marketing dept!), we managed to drop some coin. These bumper stickers make GREAT gifts:

Then it was back to the bunny haven for the 1 p.m. tour. Except we had our time wrong and the tour wasn't until 2. As fate would have it, Wombat looked sad enough that the caretaker took pity on her and gave us a private tour of the area. Way many rabbits and some freaky looking hamsters too. Or maybe guinea pigs. Honestly, I didn't look too closely. My goal was to get out alive. They actually put us in a big enclosure with loose rabbits. I KNOW! So not right. Despite the sign saying "Warning! Rosemary will bite!" and the caretaker admitting that the rabbits go totally homicidal if you have more than 2 in a pen, Wombat was happy as a clam. She took some excellent pictures of the little ~~death-dealers~~ furry critters:

Having survived THAT ordeal, we left Best Friends and headed out for some sightseeing. The Kane County tourist guide had mentioned a few must see attractions and we found the first one on the road between Best Friends and Kanab. Moqui Cave is one of those roadside attractions that you always want to stop at as a kid, but your parents keep driving. A cave built into a mountain right off the highway? Count me in! The current proprietor is the grandson of the man who bought the cave in the 1950s and turned it first into a bar and then a dancehall. The place was quite successful for many years, but after the bar fights became a regular occurrence, the cave was converted into a tourist attraction.

So how do you get people to pay $4 to see a hole in the wall? GLOW IN THE DARK ROCKS! Yep, that's the clincher. The front part of the cave is a mini museum where the bar used to be. The back part of the cave was cool and sloped downward a bit. As we got further in, the eerie glow of black lights bathed us in an unholy light. Us and a bazillion rocks. I'm scanning a postcard image because it was just too darn odd. Apparently, some rocks light up when you hit them with black light. Kids, I'm pretty sure you can try that at home. Let me know how it works out for you.

On to the gift shop where we bought lots of postcards to commemorate the weirdness of the attraction and found the perfect souvenirs in a sale bowl at the checkout. Now I'm not sure how many of you are aware that Utah is the Beehive state. Wombat wasn't aware, which I discovered as I commented on how much I liked the state highway signs with the beehives.

Wombat said, "Oh, I thought that was a ski cap." Which, without knowing the Beehive state tie-in, was a pretty good guess. So she bought me a beehive charm and I bought her a cow bell charm. Because she likes cows and because I had just received the last beehive charm. Thanks, Wombat!

Having seen all that Moqui Cave had to offer, we headed north again to take a look at the Coral Pink Sand Dunes. A bumpy trip along a road through nowhere and one left turn later, the canyon opened up and we saw several ATV caravans heading towards some pink-ish hills. We found a place to park the car and hiked straight up a sandy dune to see more sandy dunes.

I'm not sure I would call them coral pink, seemed more like brownish tan to me. But darn pretty, all those ripples.

Perfect for some artistic photography. Beware the three-legged tourist!:

The plants were very nice too.

I don't know what kind they are, so don't ask. I DO know that if you want to see the Tiger Beetle, a species found ONLY at Pink Coral Sand Dunes state park, you have to look for their tracks at a specific time of the year:

And don't bother naming your band The Interdunal Swales either. Wombat and I have dibs on that most excellent name.

Despite a fetching ranger with no wedding ring, we decided to return to civilization and prepare for our fancy dinner. A few cows slowed our momentum and got the paparazzi treatment. They didn't seem too concerned.

After a shower and a fresh set of non-doggified clothes, we drove the 1/4 mile from motel to our dining destination, the Rocking V Cafe. If you happen to pass through Kanab when the Rocking V is open, I highly recommend it. Excellent food, charming host, and an art gallery upstairs. We encountered some other Best Friends volunteers (clearly, we all have good taste) and immediately set to determining which drink would suit us best.

Speaking of drinking, we had no problems getting drinks in the restaurants we visited and we did see the liquor store. However, there were no bars. There was a "lounge" in the little town of Fredonia just south of Kanab, but it didn't look promising.

Margaritas! Was that even up for discussion? Although I did move on to beer for my next trick. Have to try those local brews when you can. Dinner was lovely. I had the spicy polenta cakes and Wombat went with the deep dish veggie enchilada. Filling and flavorful. But always room for whiskey bread pudding, eh? Yum.

Having managed to outlast the other patrons (this town goes to bed early, even on a Saturday night), we took a tour of the art gallery upstairs and I managed to impulse shop my way into a lovely picture -- a digitally enhanced photo called "Time Stands Still" -- by Chris Brock. It seemed an appropriate purchase on my birthday and I would have resisted had it not been revealed that the picture was taken in Ireland. (For those of you not in my immediate vicinity, Ireland is my 2009 trip!). So, with all credit and copyright to Chris Brock, the soon to be appearing on my living room wall:

We headed back to the motel and stayed up late talking and figuring out how the world should be and then went to bed. Wombat will say that I fell asleep while she was talking. This is not true. I was resting my eyes while contemplating her deep, deep conversation.

It is like somebody designed my perfect day. [Well, my perfect day without sex.]

Tell all your single friends, spend YOUR birthday in a special place!

XO, JamieSmitten

How I Came to Cop a Feel (during a work event)

2008-12-10T18:02:00.004-05:00

[Of course, now that I've typed the post title, I realize this is NOT my first unplanned work touch. I completely forgot about the incident at the Salvation Army volunteer event when I reached for a bike and encountered my co-worker's crotch. Good times.]

So today was the Q4 team-building event. Yes, I realize that my workplace seems like Disneyland to those of you who work for more traditionally structured companies. Do you begrudge me one 1/2 day of fun per quarter when I spend an hour a month in therapy trying to keep my sanity intact despite being surrounded by ruthless self-promoters? I didn't think so.

Today was lunch at Maggiano's and bowling. I dislike chain restaurants and the amount of food consumed and wasted at Maggiano's is staggering. The tiramisu is pretty good though.

So, we finish our suburban munchfest and head to the bowling alley and grab lanes by pre-assigned team. Having won the Best Team Name contest (yes, EVERYTHING is a contest at my company) with the plucked-from-Google "I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter," our team quickly set to proving our name appropriate. But hey, it's just for fun right?

After the first game of "traditional" bowling -- for which I won the prize for worst score -- HooBoy! -- we moved to the second game where each frame required a different bowling style: granny, eyes closed, seated, backwards, skipping, etc. And that's where the fun began.

One of the frames was "bowl between someone's legs." Yep, didn't think that was coming, did you? We selected our tallest team member and he graciously assumed a wide legged stance at the top of the lane. [I'll digress here to mention that this co-worker is hot. Tall, muscular thighs that would make you think he played hockey, dark, handsome. Tasty. Married.]

I start my approach, trying not to focus on the firm and high buttocks in front of me. I go low and aim straight down the line, releasing the ball softly. Then I follow through. With my hand. Right into his thigh. A gentle graze, fortunately.

His only comment? "Well I didn't expect that." Me neither. Please, sir, may I have another? Sadly, he did not return the favor when he bowled between my legs.

Tell all your single friends, bowling is ~~not~~ sexy.

XO, JamieSmitten

I Always Read My Reviews

2008-12-04T22:02:00.004-05:00

Did I mention that I got involved in Shuffleathon 2008 madness? For those of you who don't remember last year's debacle, a charming Brit blogger named SwissToni (the monkey is in the tree!) randomly matches up strangers to exchange cds in round robin fashion and review them. I give to Lisa Rullsenberg, I receive from ?????

I was determined to not work myself into a dither this year as I did last time. A stroll through Lisa's blog told me that I'd best stay away from UK bands as she has those pretty well covered. Clearly a woman of taste (her Blogger profile pic is Willow!), I started from a Buffy place and added happy songs until I found a dozen.

Here's the track listing for those dying of suspense:

1. 100 Yard Dash by Raphael Saddiq (Bet you've never heard it!)
2. The Good Life by Cracker (Cracker goes on every Smitten CD)
3. Sorry by Nerf Herder (Buffy connection!)
4. Banditos by The Refreshments (Jean-Luc Picard reference? O.K.!)
5. Everything's Cool by Lit (Seemed to go well with preceding)
6. Fighter Girl by Mason Jennings (Something new after all that old)
7. 27th Ave Shuffle by Foxboro Hot Tubs (I LIKE Green Day)
8. Story of My Life by Social Distortion (I love that wee little nasal singer Mike Ness!)
9. Living Well Is the Best Revenge by R.E.M. (True dat)
10. Do Ya by Matthew Sweet (Sweet, literally)
11. The Stoop by Little Jackie (New and fun)
12. A Change Is Gonna Come by Seal (YES WE DID, Virginia!)

But you don't want to hear me talk about it, read Lisa's review. A success, if I do so anoint myself.

Now I just have to wait for my disc of aural pleasure to arrive!

Tell all your single friends, share your music!

XO, JamieSmitten

Happy Birthday DFF!

2008-12-03T23:27:00.005-05:00

Determined Friend Forever is having a birthday today! She will likely celebrate with pale ale and some ~~Hannah Montana~~ rockin' tunes.

And some Oh Jamie! bars, but shhhhh! That's a surprise!

Tell all your single friends, blow 'em if you've got 'em! (Birthday candles, silly!)

XO, JamieSmitten

Would I Miss the Big City Sights?

2008-12-03T22:06:00.004-05:00

If I did move to Kanab, I probably would not get to witness the sight that Boom and I were treated to during our morning walk. Bit of a morning limp thanks to Boot Camp and 27 degree weather stiffening up my knee, but we were still moving at a good clip as the winter sun was out and the nip in the air was making Boom feel frisky.

Across the street, there was a neighborhood ne'er-do-well standing on the sidewalk staring off into the distance. Not unusual, always lots of people standing around contemplating around here. When suddenly his slight swaying stopped and I saw it. The sunlight on the stream of urine made a sparkle-y arc falling on the frosted grass.

He didn't even pee that long, so I'm pretty sure he could have staggered back home. Guess he was enjoying the sunshine as well.

Tell all your single friends, you say "transitional neighborhood" like it's a bad investment.

XO, JamieSmitten

Kanab, Utah! The Greatest Earth on Show!

2008-11-30T21:40:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not that punny -- Kanab is:

If you ever go to Kanab, stay at Quail Park Lodge. From our frazzled 10 p.m. arrival when we couldn't get the key to open the door (solution: turn it) to the friendly chat in the morning when I retrieved coffee and doughnuts from the office, our stay was great. Big fluffy comforters, super fancy robes, and the ability to have pet sleepovers from Best Friends (if you don't stay in our deluxe-newly-renovated-suite). Loved it. I totally forgot to take a picture, but it was as cute as the website looks.

We slept like logs Thursday night -- hardly surprising -- but managed to get up when the evil alarm went off because PUPPIES WERE WAITING! We had to be at Best Friends at 8:30 a.m. for the video before the tour before the volunteering and there was no way I was going to be late. So I allowed for traffic. In the 7 miles between our motel and the turn-off from route 89. We passed one car. Score one for the small town.

Of course it was a good thing we had time because I could hardly drive for looking at the breathtaking -- and I don't bandy that word around, people -- scenery that we had totally missed during our night time arrival. Judge for yourself:

I KNOW. Flipping MAJESTIC. And I usually only say that about HRH Queen Elizabeth. We were still oohing and aahing three days later as we left that beautiful place. I've been out west before and I've even been camping in Zion National Park (about 40 miles away), but Kanab is just smack in the middle of major rock loveliness. Go ahead, have another:

But we weren't there for scenery, we were there for the animals. And boy, did they deliver. For those of you who are link-phobic and have thus avoided all the chances to go read the Best Friends website instead of my random thoughts, Best Friends Animal Society is a place unlike any other. Twenty-four years ago, some animal-loving friends bought land in Angel Canyon and formed an animal sanctuary from which no animal would ever be turned away. Kindness to animals builds a better world for all of us. Believe it. From their No More Homeless Pets campaign to disaster animal rescue to education and support, they help rescue groups and animals all over the world. Good stuff.

We began with a guided tour of the sanctuary. Large vans with bench seats. Wombat and I grabbed the way, way back, because we were in fact the coolest kids on the bus. The ladies in front of us were from Virginia, of course. We are everywhere. The ride was really bumpy but most excellent for pointing out interesting scenery and the inner workings of the various different animal areas. First animal stop with touching was the home for cats with feline leukemia. The house itself is part cat fantasy land and part tribute to a longtime donor whose husband built the house after his wife died without fulfilling her dream to live near Best Friends and volunteer with the cats every day. The cats were enjoying the sunshine and the love and attention from their personal caregiver. Wombat caught me petting one little sweetie. Don't tell Boom:

We drove past Feathered Friends -- thank goodness, no need to see any birds, thank you very much -- and past the wild turkeys that were mooching scattered feed around the buildings. Then we head to Dogtown Heights and got to see how they manage to keep so many dogs healthy and happy. All the dogs had indoor rooms with beds and blankets and then full outdoor play areas that were almost as big as my backyard. Some dogs had buddies, others were on their own. All of them were eager to see who had pulled up in the van. The dog caregivers were by and large a truly friendly and happy group of people who were quick to share stories about their animals charges. We couldn't wait to get started volunteering!

Back to the front desk for paperwork and name tags and then off to the cafeteria for a splendid $4 vegetarian buffet. Yum. A little windy that first day, but a view to die for:

Full of healthy vegetables, grains, and fruit, Wombat and I headed over to the Clinic for our next volunteer orientation. We watched a short film about dog handling (don't hug the dogs? we'll see about that) and a possible sighting of John Garcia, hottie animal trainer from the National Geographic show Dogtown, and we were sent off with a map to our first destination: The Fairway.

Each Dogtown Heights area has two octagons of dogs, two caregivers, and about 40-45 dogs. I don't know if they lost a lot of volunteers in the past, but when they send you out dogwalking now, you are pointed to the path for your building. The paths are red sandy and outlined in rocks and meander up and down and around, with a bench in the middle for a water break and a cuddle. We broke the no-hug rule with the first set of dogs. I also discovered that these dogs have not developed Boom's patience with extended picture-taking, so I got a lot of backs of heads. Still cute:

Some of the dogs walked beautifully on their leashes. Others were a little more stubborn. One particular hound dog named Yankee was in a class all by himself. While we were walking the path, a large mule deer buck (is that redundant?) crashed through the brush several yards away. Yankee sat down and howled, clearly heeding his ancestry. He would not move for love, money, or treats. He didn't even drag. So Wombat carried him back to his room. I wish I had taken a picture, because it was a sight: Yankee's sense of outrage and Wombat's determination to get that dog home. Wombat did get a picture of him doing his best sit and howl:

More dogs, more cuddling. It was so relaxing and so wonderful and so clearly, how life was meant to be. I quickly fell in love with Dozer. Rescued from a pitbull breeding operation, Dozer had clearly been abused. Now, he just wants to lie next to you and get all the petting he can. I hope a special somebody takes him home soon:

Wombat was busy falling in love with Ripple, a young chesapeake bay retriever with a dislocated hip. Ripple is getting hydrotherapy and will have surgery on his hip as soon as his muscles have strengthened. He still gets to go on puppy sleepovers, so he's a happy camper:

5 p.m. came way too soon and we were sent away for the evening. We went back to the motel and shook off about a pound of red dust and got back in the car for a quick reconnoiter of Kanab (pop. not very many). We did find the Ideabox, but it was disappointing in person. We know exactly how disappointing as the back sliding door was open, so we got to fully inspect the place. Famished, we made our way to Nedra's Too. I'd read about it on the internet and it did not disappoint.

If you ever happen to eat at Nedra's Too, I can recommend the Navajo Taco (taco filling on Indian fry bread), the quesadilla, and the fried ice cream. All good. Wash it down with a Squatter's Chasing Tail golden ale. All the better to enjoy the 1/2 movie memorabilia 1/2 NASCAR decorations.

After a quick stop for breakfast items at the gas station quick mart, we headed back to the motel and were asleep under our fluffy comforters without much delay. Day 1 was a complete success.

Tell all your single friends, you really should have been there.

XO, JamieSmitten

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T21:58:00.003-05:00

Tell all your single friends, be thankful for all your blessings -- family, friends, and meatless Turk'y Roast!

XO, JamieSmitten

I SWEAR

2008-11-24T20:04:00.003-05:00

I am going to finish my vacation posts and transfer the pictures from my camera to show I didn't make any of it up. But not tonight.

Because I am positively tubercular. You do NOT want to know the viscosity of what I just coughed up. I know the viscosity because the violence of the eruption made me miss the kleenex and land the chunk on my shirt.

I googled sanatoriums and was disturbed to find that they have all been closed. You may find me in bed on the front porch tomorrow bundled up to take the fresh air cure.

Tell all your single friends, colds can last six days!

XO, JamieSmitten

He Should Be Shot

2008-11-24T07:17:00.003-05:00

Still basking in the glow of the wonderful animals at Best Friends, I stumbled upon a dark reminder of how cruel people can be to animals:

UPDATE - New Report Released On Vick Dogfighting
Posted: Nov 21, 2008
5:23 PM EST

RICHMOND, Va. (AP) - A just released report from the U.S. Department of
Agriculture details the extent of former NFL quarterback Michael Vick's
involvement in dog fighting. The report says Vick sometimes put a
family pet in a ring with pit bulls just for fun. A confidential informant told
the government it happened at least twice, and that they watched as the pit
bulls "caused major injuries." The report also says Vick denied taking
part in the killing of dogs when he was given a polygraph test by the FBI in
October 2007. When told he'd failed that part of the test, Vick recanted
his story and admitted to helping hang six to eight underperforming
dogs. Vick is due to be released from federal prison next summer. He's been
suspended indefinitely by the NFL.

(Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

I saw some of the Vicktory dogs (Best Friends has given 22 of the rescued animals a chance at a happy life) and I cried for all they had been through.

Tell all your single friends, keep that criminal in prison and out of the NFL.

XO, JamieSmitten

Four Airports in One Day!

2008-11-20T20:20:00.003-05:00

I'm back -- no thanks to the airline industry. Read on....

With my tooth abscess medicine in hand and backup medicine in checked suitcase, I proceed to my gate at 5:30 a.m. for my 6:20 flight to IAD. I sailed through security which seemed a good omen given my last experience in June.
With coffee, muffin, and exorbitantly expensive water, I settle in at my gate for a blissful 3 minutes before an announcement tells me to get my ass back to the front ticket counter as my plane is missing a piece and won't be leaving Richmond any time soon.
A panicked jog back to the front gate, a nervous 15 minute wait in line, and I'm transferred from United to Delta flying via Atlanta to Las Vegas -- and only arriving 1 hour later! What about my bag? "No problem, ma'am. I'll call down to the baggage room and have them move that over to the Delta side."
Another wait in line at Delta to get a boarding pass and I'm informed that my bag is not their responsibility, so they won't be able to give me a baggage claim ticket. I am informed that I won't be allowed on the flight if United has not moved my baggage to Delta.
Back to United where I am assured that all is well.
I proceed to security for second time, discarding coffee, muffin, and water, only to be flagged by the dreaded SSSS on the bottom of my boarding pass. This apparently means special screening is required. I'm taken to the side, frisked, shoes removed and checked for substances, made to show the bottom of my feet, and all of my purse and carry-on contents are examined. Hooray -- I pass!
Jogging down to the gate, I am rewarded with "now boarding all zones" and I confidently approach the check in. REJECTED. The thorough frisker neglected to hole punch my boarding pass, so I'm given the stink eye and asked how I "got around security." A call is made to security to send down a female security officer to discuss the matter. Speed was not her mantra as yet another security guard ambled towards my gate. Still unfailingly polite, I am subjected to the same procedure -- frisked, shoes, bottom of feet, all objects examined -- AT THE GATE. Yes, the boarding passengers were avidly observing the process.
I finally get a (middle) seat and the chatty cathy young man next to me proceeds to talk the whole way to Atlanta. For the most part he was tolerable, not revealing himself to be a McCain supporter or Hokie until the actual descent. You just never know who they will sit you next to on a plane.
I arrive in Atlanta and checking my cellphone (note: WEAR WATCH WHEN TRAVELING), I realize that I have 17 minutes before my next flight leaves. I RUN 20 gates to find the doors closed and other passengers pleading to be let on board. "The tower makes the decision about when we stop boarding." The tower can bite me.
Directed back to the Delta service area, I join a long line of missed-flight sad people and wait my turn on the courtesy phone. I explain why I'm not on United. I explain that I didn't miss my flight -- DELTA missed me. I'm told that there are no more direct flights to Las Vegas until 9 p.m. I sputter. But wait! Am I willing to travel to Salt Lake City on my way to Las Vegas to arrive at 2 p.m.? You betcha!
As directed, I make my way to my next gate assignment and ask the counter agent to print out my boarding pass. She doesn't do that. She and the courtesy phone woman need to get their stories straight. I head back to the courtesy phone area and pugnaciously walk around the long line and get in the shorter line to speak to an actual person. Save your judge-y looks, fellow passengers, I think, I got screwed harder.
After witnessing a 9 minute flirtation between the counter agent and the person ahead of me (he came out from behind his desk to POINT down the hall for her) and then a thorough cleaning of his workspace, I am waved forward and I get my boarding pass.
I jog down to the gate in time to hear my song, "Now boarding all zones!" At least I'm on an aisle this time.
Good thing I ran -- we sit on the tarmac for nearly an hour.
When we finally take off, I order a beer and a $6 movie on the mini-screen in front of me. I repeat this cycle, much to the dismay of the teetotaling old man beside me.
Turns out I had the right idea because 45 minutes outside of Salt Lake City and just after receiving our small cup of 'almost there' water, we hit the worst turbulence I have ever experienced. We bounced up and down for a good 10 minutes. I could not control my arm which floated up and down violently in the aisle splashing water all over me and the guy across the aisle. Teetotaller is head between his knees praying, people are screaming, and I'm thinking that this was a shitty day to fly.
And then, a toddler being desperately clasped by her grandmother in the row ahead bounces up into view and laughs. The best ride she had ever been on, it seemed. So despite the fact that we were soaking wet and passengers were gasping all around us, our row smiled. And then we broke through and the plane leveled off.
Clearly my luck had changed, right?
Wrong.
We land at 2:35 MST, the exact time my connecting flight to Las Vegas is due to leave. Ever the optimist, I sprint down the aisle and run 6 gates down to find....nobody. Plane gone. As I sadly trudge back to my original gate, the Delta employee directs me to the courtesy phone. Like I didn't see that coming.
I call, I'm booked on the 7:45 flight and standby for the 3:15. Smarter, I insist that the counter agent print me out a boarding pass before I leave the courtesy area. Then I sprint down to the gate for 3:15. Yep, it was on another concourse.
The 3:15 flight is overbooked and volunteers are getting $200 vouchers and a meal ticket to take the later (my!) flight. I get nothing and try not to be resentful. I fail. I approach the counter agent and offer my mastercard begging for a seat in first class, a seat next to the pilot, anything. Nada.
The 3:15 flight leaves without me and I overhear another woman say, "well, at least we have a seat on the 5:30." What?!?!??! Screwed over by courtesy phone agent again!
On the plus side, my vacation buddy who has been waiting patiently in the Las Vegas airport since 9 a.m. has located my baggage, although the mean baggage agent won't give it to her. I guess there WAS time to make the Atlanta flight to Las Vegas.
I get standby on the 5:30 and head to the bathroom for a breakdown. A short cry later (Yes. Sue me. I was supposed to be in Las Vegas six hours ago.), I go to the bar, order a beer, and call my mother. While bemoaning my fate, Wombat calls and screams, "YOU HAVE TO GET TO CONCOURSE E!" Slightly befuddled and definitely deflated, I inform her that I AM at concourse E. Where I will probably die. Alone. Never having seen the dogs at Best Friends. "GET TO GATE 84! GO! GO! GO!"
I go. Wombat can be pretty convincing. "Give her your ticket and ID." Miraculously and without any kind of explanation, I'm handed a new ticket and informed that we will start boarding in 15 minutes. I look up -- I'm going to St. George! [Note: The St. George (Utah) airport is closer to Best Friends than Las Vegas, but flights in are much more expensive. Unless, of course, you fly from Richmond to Atlanta to Salt Lake City and give up on Las Vegas.] Wombat has managed this feat in addition to getting my luggage and she is now off to pick up our rental car to come fetch me in St. George.
As we walk out onto the tarmac to board the 24(?) seat plane, I'm filled with a sense of calm. I'm on my way. I climb the stairs, beaming at the attendant, and proceed directly to seat 2A. Except, there IS no seat 2A. Oh my freaking word, I'm going to miss another flight. Turns out the seating chart was wrong and I am allowed to sit in 2C. My heartbeat returns to normal.
And we are off! I am treated to a fabulous panorama view of the Great Salt Lake -- truly immense -- and an orange-fire-red sunset. I chat up my seat mate who turns out to be an assistant DA for Salt Lake City. He doesn't even get mad at me when I insist he look at the view at the same time the stewardess is handing me my drink and it spills in his hair. He is that nice. He promises that I may call him should I ever be arrested in SLC. Not that I'm planning to go back.
I land in St. George and am greeted by a room with a car rental counter. I care not. I'm 2 hours from the puppies and I'll walk if I have to. Fortunately, Wombat pulls up an hour later and we officially begin our vacation.

Tell all your single friends, vacations are not for sissies.

XO, JamieSmitten

See Ya!

2008-11-12T21:58:00.002-05:00

YES WE CAN!!!!!

2008-11-05T11:29:00.002-05:00

Happy Days Are Here Again!

2008-11-04T23:03:00.006-05:00

Virginia has just officially supported a Democratic presidential candidate for the first time since 1964.

I am beyond ecstatic. Maybe I won't have to move to the West Coast after all.

This is the start of some goodness, people. You only have to believe. And if a ~~pessimist~~ realist like JamieSmitten believes, you should too.

In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I'll get laid during the new administration. You only have to believe, people. [Note that I'm feeling this optimistic whilst sitting alone with my dog drinking beer with a heating pad stuck down the back of my pants to relieve the results of a particularly effective boot camp workout yesterday. SEE? I'm positively GIDDY!]

Tell all your single friends, (trademarked, overexposed t-shirt logo) LIFE IS GOOD.

XO, JamieSmitten

p.s. An EXCEPTIONALLY fine photo celebrating this historic win will be posted here shortly -- right, DFF??

p.p.s. John McCain's concession speech was far more charming than he has been throughout the campaign. Until he thanked Sarah Palin. Then it was just plain silly.

p.p.p.s. Boot camp is going to suck tomorrow, but I just have to stay up to hear President Elect Obama speak!!

Blog Much?

2008-10-31T21:30:00.003-04:00

Nope.

But I didn't think it had been two weeks. What can I say, my life is full of....... Well, o.k., my life isn't full. But that is neither here nor there.

I think I'll be in a better mood by midnight on Tuesday, 11/4. Check back.

Tell ALL your friends, BARACK THE VOTE!

XO, JamieSmitten

Things I Adore, Things I Abhor

2008-10-14T20:41:00.004-04:00

Two steps forward, one step back. Why is that? Is there ever a run of good luck? I'm not asking for much, just a series of happy things in a row with a little less of the 'not too much of a good thing' spoilsport universe tipping the scale. Maybe I just need to concentrate.

Five Things I Adore:

Friends getting jobs! Hooray for Wombat and Margaret! Hooray for Jodi's restaurant being open again!

My mortgage going down $16 per month for the next year!

Oh Jamie! bars. Cooling in the fridge right now for lucky, lucky co-workers

Long walks with DFF! So much nicer to have someone answer me during walks with Boom.

State of Play -- a British miniseries that was highly enjoyable. British actors look like real people and the story was excellent.

Five Things I Abhor:

Cancer. Mean nasty mutant cells, prepare to be vanquished.

$425 for one HALF tank of heating oil. Bring a sweater if you visit.

Political commercials. Is there anybody left who hasn't picked a side? Seriously?

Friends who move to the middle of the country. Sniff. Tulsa was not on my must see list - until now.

Breaking mirrors. Surely, there can't be seven more years of bad luck ahead?

Tell all your single friends, traveling from realist to optimist is not an easy journey.

XO, JamieSmitten

Goodbye My Grumbly Puck

2008-10-06T22:11:00.005-04:00

Slayer of lizard, snake, and bug. Connoisseur of carrots and ice cubes. Grumbler of the highest order. Founder of the canine cocktail hour.

I will miss you under my feet, by my side, and giving best boy stinky kisses.

Puck

199? - 2008

XO, Jamiesmitten

I Am

2008-10-03T22:19:00.004-04:00

It must have been a long, crappy week at work, because I think the above is hysterical. I may even buy the t-shirt.

Recap:

Started back to bootcamp on 10/1. Knee is sore, but stable. My ass hurts. I hate lunges.
Had my picture taken today at work with the knowledge that it will be photoshopped into a picture of the Bride of Frankenstein and sent out via email to the entire department. Oh sure, I'll get a $40 gift card for being the Talk of the Town, but is that really the price of humiliation these days?
Watched the Ex-List tonight. Had some funny moments -- the break up song was CLASSIC -- "Revenge is better than love!" -- but hard to not start thinking about my exes. And that, my friends, is a depressing thought. Rest assured, I will NOT be imitating TV and tracking them down.
Didn't get to sleep until 3 a.m. this morning thanks to loudly partying asshat neighbors. I WILL be the cranky old bitch next time and call the cops. And your music sucks.
Won a quarter off a gambling addict co-worker. I think of it as a life lesson for him and a small source of income for me. He has yet to make me pay up when I call the flip incorrectly, but I think I can take him if he tries as he wears a fleece vest.
I have begun a flirtation with a GreenSingles man. He seems normal and has cows. In Maine. Don't even pretend you wouldn't come visit me on the farm. I wonder if I can get Greek yogurt there? Must inquire. Send positive thoughts -- I need some longterm man loving.
Puppysat Zeus and Rocky. Two stuffed animals died a gruesome death across the living room floor. Boom got his hump on and has been limping slightly since. Even puppies have to pay to play it seems.
Received a work-related email from someone who rode the same bus in ninth grade. I forced him to admit the connection, but seriously, he doesn't remember me dating his friend for a month? My name is pretty uncommon.
Looked up that friend and found that he is a brewmaster with several restaurants in Atlanta. Sure, he was short, but maybe I should have overlooked that.
Yogurt covered pretzels. Possibly, the highlight of the week thus far. No, maybe it was winning the quarter.
Until tomorrow -- when I get to go to the State Fair with my niece and brother-in-law. If my niece does not wake up with the fever she had tonight. If they do come for the fair, I am definitely taking my camera. I will not be taking a picture of the pork parfait. You are welcome.

Tell all your single friends, Smitten is home on a Friday night because retreat seemed the best option.

XO, JamieSmitten

I've Been Financially Hacked!

2008-10-02T22:50:00.004-04:00

Boom and I were enjoying our morning walk in the lovely cool sunshine, puzzling over why some dog walkers were wearing gloves and scarves when clearly, a t-shirt and sandals was the correct choice, when my phone rang.

[My NEW phone. Materialistic of me, but I love it. I've spent an absurd amount of money downloading ringtones (and accidentally, one ringback tone) and assigning pictures to my contact list. The best part? SIM card capability means that when I go to Ireland and Scotland next year (when, not if, people), I can call and tell everyone about while I'm there.]

Caller ID said an 800 number, so I ignored it and kept walking. Upon arriving home I checked the message and it was my bank requesting a call back about some charges on my credit card.

Well that's odd. Haven't used my credit card recently. I start dialing and pull up my online account.

Holy crap! Almost $20,000 from 6 charges! The nice lady at USAA confirmed that my last authorized charge was $19.88 to Netflix and not $5,000 to a company I have never heard of and set to work deleting them.

So whoever hacked my credit card attempted to make three $5,000 payments (donations?) to a religious charity in Baltimore. Like that would ever happen. Not even if it was for born again dogs. The other three charges ranging from $1300 to $2600 were to a travel agency in Finland specializing in safari adventures -- reindeer in Lappland! Again, not me. My bank doesn't know how it happened. I'm just glad they have fraud filters in place. Really glad.

Tell all your single friends, CHECK YOUR ONLINE ACCOUNT FREQUENTLY!

XO, JamieSmitten

p.s. Donated my pint of top grade A-Negative CMV- blood in 9 minutes tonight. (I rock!)
p.p.s. I'd rather give ten pints without a break than sit through any more of "bless her heart, she'll get her reward in heaven'' cliches from the satanic hockey mom on the three major networks tonight.

Bet You Can't Guess What I Did This Weekend!

2008-09-29T19:03:00.005-04:00

No, really, I was there and I can't believe it happened.

I went to a shooting range. But there was a good reason. AlabamaPink decreed that some shizzle needed to be blown up and you don't argue with a prepared zombie-fighter like her. So off I went, after spending a good 20 minutes trying to figure out what one wears to a shooting range (when dinner out is happening afterwards). I had nothing bright orange, nor camouflage, so I went with black, hoping to blend in with the expected disaffected youth clientele (damn those video games!).

I followed the directions on the website which were not correct, so I had to pull over and call Stephano, my go-to-girl for questions of the country persuasion. She's completely citified, but she has seen the Blue Collar Comedy Tour live, so that qualifies her for this type of situation. Or at least I thought so. Turns out Stephano has only pumped lead into rusting appliances in the backyard. In any case, I was glad to have her on the phone when a trio of expected disaffected youth with GUNS IN THEIR WAISTBANDS walked by. Stephano stayed on the phone for safety as I cautiously ventured down the dark road from which they came.

Now I should point out here that I come from a no gun family. We don't own them, we don't shoot them, we read about them in books. There was purportedly a handgun in a locked metal box hidden on the top shelf of my grandfather's closet in Toronto -- I never saw it, hence the purportedly -- that may or may not have been the gun used to defend my grandmother's grandfather's general store. I'm sure somebody told me that once. Other than one skeet-shooting foray, I've never touched a real firearm.

So imagine my surprise when I walked up to the counter and nobody called me out as a fake and a phony. Instead, they merely asked if I had my own gun or if I would like to use one of theirs. I was prepared for this question thanks to a conversation with my co-worker, Hunter. [I know! The delicious coincidence of that!] Hunter had suggested a Sig Sauer 225. O.K., whatever, I've read about those. So they gave me the gun, a box of ammo, a paper target ("bulls eye, please, I'm no killer"), and a staple gun all in one of those little plastic baskets you use at the grocery store. Weird.

I put on my protective eye (fogged up!) and ear (not good with earrings!) gear, and made my way down to the range. The shooting party was well underway. They had an arsenal, so I was greeted by five backs happily blasting away at targets. Thankfully, they put their weapons down before they turned around to greet me. Nor did they mock me when I handed over my grocery store basket and said, "What do I do?"

Over the next hour, I proceeded to shoot all manner of firearms: a small and delicate antique handgun (not too satisfying after the Sig), a shotgun of some kind (bad for those of us not wearing a contact in the sighting eye), a fancy handgun (wicked kick back into the soft flesh between thumb and finger), some really big gun of Mr. AlabamaPink (TOO LOUD), and the Sig (satisfying large holes in the target and rapid shooting action). I started hitting the targets after AlabamaPink explained about the whole sighting apparatus thingies.

I also found out that bullet casings fly out and hit you in the boob. That part was a surprise as I don't ever remember any literary female detective mentioning it. If you ask me nicely, I'll even show you one. A casing, not a boob. Probably.

Tell all your single friends, shoot loudly and wear a chest guard.

XO, JamieSmitten

Suck It, Jesus!

2008-09-23T22:58:00.004-04:00

Kathy Griffin rocked the Mosque tonight.

Tell all your single friends, go see a comedian -- or better yet, a comedienne.

XO, JamieSmitten

Strongest Dog EVER

2008-09-22T22:33:00.005-04:00

Boom and I took a drive to Virginia Beach this weekend and a lovely trip it was. Cruise control set at 71, sparse traffic, no need for AC, we made it there in 1 hr. 50 min.

Boom believes in safe travel and we have tried many types of restraint systems. His first was a harness that connected to the seat belt. He chewed his way out of it before we got on the highway (1 mile from my house). His Aunt Valerie can confirm, she saw it happen. Next, I bought a backseat sling that tied to the headrests front and back. The fabric was meant to keep him in the backseat and safe. On his second trip in the sling, Boom shifted his weight and ripped two (of four) tiebacks off the fabric. A few months ago, I found a new harness restraint system at the Humane Society website. Looked good and the money was going to charity. Bonus!

So Boom was wearing his fancy new harness restraint attached to a zip line that runs across the top of the rear seat. Keeps him safe in case of a sudden catastrophic stop, but still allows him to lie down, sit up, gaze out the rear window and sigh, etc. He seems to like it or at least, he hasn't tried to escape it.

Upon arrival, I got out of the car, grabbed my many bags and dog paraphernalia out of the front seat, and opened the back door slowly, prepared to unhook Boom and put his leash on.

Nope, not fast enough, Boom jumped out of the car while still attached to the zip line.

CRACK!

That was the sound of the grab bar ripping out of the ceiling of my car. You know, this thing:

(ignore the dummy)

So is the force of Boom jumping out of a care more than the force sustained if I was in an accident? It would at least slow down his momentum, wouldn't it? Before, of course, the grab bar came loose and conked me in the head. Hmmmmm.

Can't wait to find out how much grab bars cost.

Tell all your single friends, I have the best of intentions and the worst of executions.

XO, JamieSmitten

Thanks for the Clarification!

2008-09-21T23:32:00.003-04:00

Jamie: Hey Universe? I'm just going to put it out there. If you won't give me a vermin-free house despite my best efforts to dispatch them quickly and painlessly, I'll just move to Paris and live a wonderful life not unlike the film Avenue Montaigne.

Universe: Hey Jamie? Uh no. Doesn't work that way. But I'll throw you a bone so you don't give up hope completely.

Jamie: Boom! Oh my God! The green light is flashing! WE FRIED MICKEY!

And there was rejoicing in Carytown.

Tell all your single friends, I emptied the trap all by myself.

XO, Jamiesmitten

Resignation + Plan

2008-09-20T16:53:00.004-04:00

I give up. I am resigning myself to the fact that herbal mouse repellent and mouse zapping traps are no match for the vermin bastards who keep pooping on my kitchen counters.

And therefore, I am moving. To Paris. With Boom dressed as a small child with unusual ambulation. [Once we get through customs, we'll be fine. Les gens français aiment des chiens.] I'm going to get a job as a waitress in a fancy brasserie and one day shortly after I start working there, this man will show up, fall in love with me instantly, and promise that I will never, ever, ever, have to deal with rodents again.

Tell all your single friends, house for sale -- perfect for cat owners!

XO, JamieSmitten a.k.a. the future Mrs. Gerard Butler

Humming Along

2008-09-16T22:22:00.003-04:00

The refrigerator is back in its corner behaving properly via the customary receptacle. Thank goodness, as the scalding burn on my left hand (sustained while carrying my cup of tea -- not coffee because I like a latte in the morning and there was no milk for many untrustworthy fridge days -- in one hand and a bag of frozen vegetables -- Mexican style! -- for my sore knee in the other hand, and simultaneously ducking down under the extension cord coming over the fridge to the other wall and squeezing in between the fridge and the counter) has been a constant reminder of all not copacetic on the home front.

No new mouse poop, but Mr. Electrician revealed more leftovers when he moved the microwave (oops!). So despite my desire to wear a clothespin on my nose to avoid the spearmint smell, I threw the last organic-non-toxic-mouse-repellent sachet behind the stove. The trap seems to be a no go. Apparently, peanut butter is no longer the attraction it used to be. Or maybe they just don't like the organic kind.

On a different note -- because why should we all suffer through another vermin lament? -- I enjoyed a new playlist at work today. Enjoyed it enough that a co-worker felt compelled to demonstrate some of my better chair-dancing moves to a third party. I have inspired this kind of jealousy before. Believe me, I've got moves. This is the odd mix that got me going:

Bring Your Love Down (Didn't I) by Yaz
Situation by Yaz
So Many Nights by Cat Empire
Right Now by SR71
Missundaztood by Pink
Get the Party Started by Pink
Someone to Love by Fountains of Wayne
Boyz-N-The Hood by Dynamite Hack
Take Off Your Clothes by Morningwood
C'est pas la première fois by Caroline Néron

A refreshing change of pace from my recent Ramones immersion, I chose some Yaz because Alison Moyet has such a damn fine voice and because these songs remind me of dancing nonstop at university parties. "You play your games but the fact remains, I'm the only one that can hold your reins." Was there ever a more appealing lyric for a Scorpio?

I heard this Cat Empire song on KEXP Online and loved it instantly. I don't groove on Cat Power, but the whole empire, DEFINITELY! "So many nights I'm still thinking about you."

I think I heard this SR71 song on the "we play anything!" station and it stuck in my head. "So what if the sex was great, just a temporary escape." I think we can all relate to that. Don't leave me hanging.

Next came a pair of old Pink tunes because I'm not completely sold on her new song or that great color/horrid cut coat thingie she wore on the VMAs. When I had the cd (bootleg copy that cracked!), I really liked her duet with Steven Tyler, but for desk dancing, this is the go to pair. "Looking for the right track, always on the wrong track." Story of my life lyrics, yet again.

I saw Fountains of Wayne at the 2007 Virgin Festival and I was pleasantly surprised. Mind you, it was early on and seeing the Fratellis an hour later knocked them right out of my mind until I heard this song a week or so ago. "Don't give out, don't give up, one of these nights you might find someone to love." Bite me, I'm a closet optimist.

EXCELLENT segue, if I do say so myself, to Dynamite Hack's laid back version of the classic NWA/EazyE song. "Don't quote me, boy, I ain't said shit."

So now that the gloves are off, we might as well take off our clothes with Morningwood (top 10 best band name EVER!). I heard this first on KEXP and although it doesn't have the deepest lyrics, I couldn't resist the rawness. Besides, how many songs can you name that reference a happy trail? "When I see you baby, I wanna take off your clothes."

The last song was a total find as I stumbled through some lists of contemporary Canadian music. Haven't heard much French blues, but this song appeals. According to IMDB, she's also an actress. She's not ugly either. Bet she isn't spending the evening writing about vermin. Sigh. I'll skip the French, but the basic idea is that it isn't the first time she's been played by a guy like him. Hmph.

Tell all your single friends, two glasses of bistro red make a pretty awesome dinner.

XO, JamieSmitten

Zero Steps Forward

2008-09-14T19:42:00.005-04:00

The refrigerator is in the middle of the kitchen plugged in with an extension cord to an outlet that works.

Zeus crashed into my knee when he and Rocky came to visit Boom last night and I actually cried from the pain.

There was a mouse poop 3 inches from the zapping mouse trap this morning. There was no mouse in the trap. And my house still smells like a spearmint gum factory.

Tell all your single friends, I quit.

XO, JamieSmitten

Pain, Suffering, and Uncooperative Appliances

2008-09-11T19:43:00.003-04:00

PAIN:

Knee injured in fall at work is still sore. I can walk, but deep knee bends are out of the question, and even the slightest graze across my kneecap causes me to say really bad words and/or see stars. According to my orthopaedist (surely a sign of age, when one has specialists?), the kneecap sensitivity is likely due to nerve damage. It will get better, but nerves regenerate slowly. Come back in a month, try to avoid bumping it. One would think that was fairly straight-forward but I bumped it twice at work today. Clearly, the workplace has become my own personal Amityville house of horror -- GET OUT!

SUFFERING:

Mice poop. On the counter. On the stove. ON MY BANANA. I am an animal lover but mice are vermin and as such, are not welcome in my home and most certainly, are not welcome on my banana. I have purchased an electric zapping mouse trap and with 4 rechargeable double AAs gleefully inserted, I now reportedly have the wherewithal to dispatch 50 mice! I do have to dump the carcasses, but with a little practice, I should be able to do this without even seeing the corpse. Additionally, because it seemed prudent to hit the little bastards with full firepower, I also bought non-toxic sachets that purportedly deter mice from even stepping over the threshold. On the downside, 3 sachets for my mini kitchen has created a powerful spearmint aroma that is quickly permeating the entire downstairs. I hate mint, but I hate mice more. I'll keep you posted.

UNCOOPERATIVE APPLIANCES:

First the dvd player got finicky. It just wouldn't read most cds. So I bought a cleaning disc and used it several times. It read the first cd I inserted. Hooray! It refused to read the second, third, or fourth. I purchased a replacement today -- a dual dvd/vhs player. I hope my tv doesn't take the hint and crap out.

On Monday morning, there was no light in the refrigerator. After slamming the door shut and spending five minutes trying to figure out when I bought the damn thing, it occurred to me that it just might be the bulb. So I bought a two-pack of bulbs. Good thing, as the first one I tried didn't work. Gave up, went to bed. On Tuesday, I tried the next bulb. It didn't work either, so I called Neighbor John to find out if the fridge part was separate than the freezer part because the ice maker still worked. He didn't know, but offered up his fridge thermometer so I could confirm if the fridge was indeed dying. On Wednesday, Neighbor John called to tell me that the thermometer which has been in the back of his fridge for 13 years is missing. So I go buy my own (go straight to Pleasant's Hardware, people, don't waste your time at Home Depot like I did) and put it in the fridge. One hour later, I have confirmed that fridge is definitely cooling and decide to try the bulbs again. This time, one of the bulbs lights up. My happiness was short-lived as the bulb did not light up when I opened the door to get some water at bedtime. This morning, the fridge was both dark and warm inside, with the thermometer indicating the temperature was in the danger zone! (No real need for an exclamation point there, but it just seemed logical following the words danger zone!) Annoyed that my breakfast icepack (for knee) was soggy, I heaved the refrigerator out into the middle of the kitchen and discovered that the whole electrical outlet wasn't working. I checked the breakers and nothing was amiss. An extension cord across the room to an outlet on the other wall got the fridge back to humming normalcy so I could get to Amityville reasonably on time. I called electricians and finally get one to call me back. He patiently listened to my story and asked if I had pushed the reset button. But there wasn't one on the outlet. This is when he tells me that a reset button in the room should reset all the outlets in the room. This helpful bit of information never came up during my many years of formal education. It worked. Awesomely.

Tell all your single friends, I'm slower, lethal (to vermin), and clearly in need of that fix-it manual that everybody else got.

XO, JamieSmitten

I've Fallen....and I'm on Crutches!

2008-08-28T23:01:00.004-04:00

Damn fate tempting. I ought to know better.

I have an astrology book that has profiles for each day of the year. It lists characteristics, tendencies, and recommendations, strengths, weaknesses. Sometimes the book is not even close -- like the November 27 description which captures neither my brother-in-law or my ex Ron. My day is scarily accurate and it lists my two weaknesses: Volatile and Accident-prone.

I took that damn book into work so we could look people up and consider the descriptions. Of course I bragged that most days have THREE weaknesses and I only have two. Clearly, the universe decided to remind me about hubris.

I fell at work and landed squarely on my right kneecap. Instantaneous swelling and some wicked nausea ensued. Nothing is broken according to the x-rays, but I was told to stay off it for a week and keep it wrapped in an ace bandage.

So, my long weekend is turning out to be pretty damn dull. On the plus side, I'm nearly caught up on back issues of Vanity Fair!

Tell all your single friends, rubber soles are not foolproof.

XO, JamieSmitten

Eight Is Enough!

2008-08-28T22:43:00.006-04:00

The next president of the United States just said everything that needed to be said. America, I hope you were listening.

Tell all your single friends, vote for change.

XO, JamieSmitten

Random End of Week Thoughts

2008-08-24T20:35:00.003-04:00

My faith in personalized license plates was restored this morning when I saw an old 280Z painted orange sporting: GENRL Z

Some recent gems from the profiles on that horrible dating site which is supposedly matching me on innumerable compatibility points:
How do you spend your leisure time? On the golf coarse
The Things Chris can't live without are:
Swordplay
Books
Privacy
Chocolate
Physical Intimacy
I don't know about you, but I have a hard time picturing my soul mate ENGAGING in swordplay, let along listing it as his top thrill.

I watched Charlie Wilson's War this week and found it quite enjoyable. Nothing like getting your history lesson with Tom Hanks in the leading role. I'd watch him floss because he is that likable.

I also rented The Three Lives of Thomasina -- an ancient Disney movie that I remember watching on tv as a kid. What I forgot was how sadistic Walt was. Holy crap, animals were dying left and right! It was kind of horrifying and not at all the happy cat movie that I remembered. Good thing I watched it before buying it for my niece.

Bootcamp is going well. I lured a former neighbor to a free class this week, but I don't think she is ready to commit full time. Meanwhile, Bootcamp leader is contemplating adding a third day each week. Now that I have the THIRD alarm set on stun, I'm making it to class at 5:30 without issues. So BRING IT ON, KYA!

I read My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands by Chelsea Handler in about 4 hours. The true tall tales of her dating life were very funny with a side of David Sedaris insight into dysfunctional family dynamics. It was a nice change after reading some chick lit novels that falsely promise true love around every corner. I'll stick with the messy, skid mark on the underwear version of life, thank you.

The Olympics weren't as boring as I expected. I saw some great dives (somebody please tell me, who decided a mandatory dive starts with a handstand on a diving board a million miles above the pool? That is INSANE), some exciting volleyball (where are these volleyball men hanging out in the off season? Those are some seriously tall and cute young men on the Brazilian team), and lots of swimming (were the interviews with Mama Phelps longer than her son's races?). Done for two.

I saw Pineapple Express at a half-full matinee on Saturday. I was a little disappointed at the low stoner percentage in the theatre, but perhaps the 1:50 show isn't the optimal time. In a word: Hysterical. Yes, all those reviews about the comedy turning into a violence fest were accurate, but killing somebody with a Daewoo doesn't exactly indicate you have left funnytown. Crude, rude, cringe-inducing at times, but total escapist entertainment.

Tell all your single friends, what if Smitten tells HER one-night stand stories?

XO, JamieSmitten

Mind in Gutter

2008-08-21T18:09:00.004-04:00

Honestly, is it just me? They keep playing a commercial for Friendly's meal special -- buy a certain item, get a Happy Ending Sundae. I can't help it, I laugh every time.

Then, I see this license plate on the car next to me in work parking lot:

STROKN8

Is this a warning that the car may suddenly speed up and then drift slowly to a stop? Does he have a cat in his lap?

Tell all your single friends, stop leaving so much to my imagination.

XO, JamieSmitten

Sheer Genius

2008-08-20T21:03:00.004-04:00

Read the winning entries of the 2008 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest here.

From the website:

An international literary parody contest, the competition honors the memory (if not the reputation) of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873). The goal of the contest is childishly simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Although best known for "The Last Days of Pompeii" (1834), which has been made into a movie three times, originating the expression "the pen is mightier than the sword," and phrases like "the great unwashed" and "the almighty dollar," Bulwer-Lytton opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words that the "Peanuts" beagle Snoopy plagiarized for years, "It was a dark and stormy night."

Some of the entries that had me laughing out loud:

The mongrel dog began to lick her cheek voraciously with his sopping wet tongue, so wide and flat and soft, a miniature pink fleshy cape soaked through and oozing with liquid salivary gratitude; after all, she had rescued him from the clutches of Bernard, the curmudgeonly one-eyed dogcatcher, whose own tongue -- she remembered vividly the tongues of all her lovers -- was coarse and lethargic, like a slug in a sandpaper trenchcoat. Christopher Wey, Pittsburgh, PA

Special agent Mark Park's strong chin and firm mouth showed that he was a man to be reckoned with, while his twinkling blue eyes revealed surprising depths of kindness and humor, the scar on his cheek a past filled with violence and danger, and his left ear a fondness for M and Ms, but only the red ones. John R. Cooper, Portland, Oregon

There are certain people in the world who emanate an aura of well being -- they radiate sunshine, light up a room, bring out the best in others, and fill your half empty glass to overflowing - yes it was these very people thought Karl, as he sharpened his mirror-finished guthook knife, who were top of his list. Jason Garbett, London, U.K.

Watching Felicia walk into the bar was like watching two fat Rottweilers in yellow spandex and spike heels that had treed a scrawny bleach blond cat at the top of a skinny flagpole that for some reason had decided to sprout casaba melons. Melissa Alliston, Coraopolis, PA

I'm TOTALLY entering next year.

Tell all your single friends, The evening started with a crashing bang that reminded Joe of that time in Vienna when he rear-ended the woodwind section in the taxi and they in turn, crumpled the fender of sidecar in which the tuba player was riding, but then again, there were no horns this time. (or something like that)

XO, JamieSmitten

Louche

2008-08-18T05:13:00.003-04:00

MEANING: adjective: Of questionable character; dubious; disreputable.

ETYMOLOGY: From French louche (cross-eyed), from Latin lusca, feminine of luscus (one-eyed).

Oh. Dear. I think it is not coincidence that the A.Word.A.Day in the mailbox this morning pertains to disreputable. I was certainly cross-eyed from the heavenly Legend pale ale when I opened the laptop last night.

I stand behind my statements, forward as they may have been.

Now I'm off to puke my guts up running around a field whilst someone I pay tells me to run faster.

Tell all your single friends, louche, soooooooo louche.

XO, JamieSmitten

Just To Be Clear

2008-08-17T21:26:00.003-04:00

I'm completely toasted.

Drunk.

Obliterated.

And madly in love with unobtainable men.

You know who you are.

Tell all your single friends, Smitten DOES do that thing with her tongue.

XO, JamieSmitten

p.s. Major props to DFF (Determined Friend Forever) Anne for facilitating this AWESOME buzz.

p.p.s. Fweng -- geography has screwed you out of some major lovin' tonight. But I'll be thinking about you.....

This Is What You Missed

2008-08-14T23:07:00.005-04:00

My toenails are PINK. This is pretty rare, as regular readers can attest. Blue is the preferred color. But heck, it is summer, and when you have a bottle of nail polish named The Lifeguard Makes Me Blush......
During a 2 hour "Managing Your Career" class at work, I was informed that it was unsurprising that I haven't found a career. Being an ENFP and all. Great. I thought it was just poor choices on my part (cinema draft house waitress, optometric assistant, document processor, legal admin, blackjack dealer, corporate cog). Nope, I'm doomed to want to help people but get bored quickly once that is done.

I have procured books by both my crushes: Craig Ferguson's Between the Bridge and the River and Hugh Laurie's The Gun Seller but have not had time to read either. All this working out and such.
Speaking of working out, I slept through Monday's boot camp. Slept through 1 alarm that repeated every 5 minutes FIVE times. Yes, I was tired, but I had my workout clothes ready and everything. On the plus side, I did the workout at home Monday night. Not quite as intense, but better than nothing.
Online dating continues to be as frustrating as before. On GreenSingles.com (for us environmentally friendly types), I sent a free "Smile" to someone. Standard verbiage saying I read their profile and was interested. Care to know what I got in reply?

Thanks for sending a smile. I am disgusted with the
corporate media and the corporate warmongering candidates. I voted for Rep
Kucinich in the Illinois Primary and will vote for Nader in the Fall election. I
am sick of CNN giving me another corporate fascist to vote for. I am not even a
Democrat anymore. They left me. I am a Green Party member now. If the Democrats cannot even mention poverty or the term "working class" anymore in their party platform, they may as well join the Republicans and make sure the rich do not starve!!Morons say I will be throwing my vote away. I say, I will not have blood on my hands when Obama or McCain attack Iran, Afghanistan, or Pakistan. I am sick of my country being a rogue nation. As far as I can see, this country is the only nation to use nuclear weapons and is still using them!! Depleted Uranium is still radioactive...hello! I have watched Bush terrorize the world and I am sick of it. I am ready to go to a civilized country if McCain is
elected or selected. Obama is no better really. He is wanting to subsidize
insurance companies and bomb Afghanistan and Pakistan. Screw the morons here. I will not waste my breath on idiots anymore. Americans are too lazy to read and 49% are too lazy to let the candidates know that they are watching by voting. If only every eligible voter would vote, the candidates would have to think that people are paying attention. I realize that the Constitution has made it very easy for working people to vote by making Tuesday Election Day. But, people need to get off their ass and vote before they find a national ID chip implanted in their bodies. The fence around this country will not be for keeping illegals out as much as for keeping the morons in!! Do you understand me? Are you as disgusted as me? Did you enjoy Obama voting to eliminate the 4th Ammendment as much as I did? He is a good little fascist for sure. I am glad that the government can open my mail and intercept my overseas mressages. Do you understand that the government will know if you ask another person overseas to help you escape this totalitarian police state? Naive morons think that they are looking for the terroristsss with this FISA law. Dream on... Why are Americans so lazy and pathetically stupid? Please enlighten me if you
can.Sincerely,B---- PS I am a good person and would like to correspond with you. I like your style "smitten" and think you pay attention. I do not Yahoo! since they give email info to the Chinese government and cause many Chinese people to be beaten, tortured, and jailed. I have a Windows Live Mesenger ID(XXXXXX) and I would like to chat with you sometime if you are interested.

Thank goodness he doesn't know where I live. Yikes!

In pouring the watery stuff off my only-used-once sour cream, I accidentally dumped the contents of the container into the sink drain. Yes, I scooped the top part off and ate it. Shoot me.

I went to the beach and swam and only stepped on one crab and he didn't pinch me.

I learned that buying a fancy new vacuum cleaner will not make me vacuum more often. I must say that the new Dyson DC-25 looks way better in the corner of the dining room than the Dirt Devil did.

Mr. Tivo failed me for the first time ever. He missed a channel change and neglected to tape Project Runway. We had words and a restart and the relationship is back on track. Thank goodness -- he's all I've got (read above re internet dating psychos).

I have plans this weekend! Hair appointment with new hairdresser. Baby shower at Can Can. Sloth Loves Chunk within walking distance, although I shall drive to avoid a repeat of "the night which can't be remembered but ruined a pair of shoes." Legend on Sunday to catch another excellent band, Blue Line Highway. Not my usual fare, but I happen to know the guitar player and he is most excellent. Besides, he was DFF's prom date. Did I mention Richmond is a small, small, town?

All vegetable plants are dead. No pattypan squash or eggplant fresh from the garden for me. For free anyway. And there was so much promise.....

I didn't like Dark Knight. I thought it was booooorrrriiiinnnngggg, although amusing to count the number of people who didn't pace themselves with their jumbo drinks and had to run out to the bathroom midway through the movie. Yes, Heath was awesome, but one character does not a movie make. And don't get me started on the gratuitous violence against dogs. It was that crap movie Signs all over again. Hmmm. Those were both movies paid for by my employer as a "fun event." Starting to see a pattern.

Speaking of work, my manager has just begun a two week vacation. As a green citizen, I feel it is incumbent upon me to limit my fuel consumption and work from home. Long lunch, anyone?

Tell all your single friends, paint it, read it, watch it, clean it, do it (whatever it is).

XO, JamieSmitten

Ha!

2008-08-12T13:15:00.002-04:00

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... coke"

The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"

The bear says, "I've had them all my life."

Tell all your single friends, laught it out, kid, laugh it out.

XO, JamieSmitten

What Have I Been Up To?

2008-08-11T21:00:00.002-04:00

11 days and no posts. What's up with that?

I thought about posting. There is an amusing half-written post about songs I heard during the morning commute. There are notes on the nine dollar beer I absentmindedly bought and then consumed ceremonially. Heck, there was even an insight or two. All gone. Mind like a sieve.

I've determined that my creativity (substitute "brain" if you like) is completely transient. I think of the most clever thoughts ever (I digress, but that would be an awesome title for my posthumous publication) and then promptly forget them because I'm driving, showering, pretending to work, exercising like a middle-aged maniac, etc.

I suppose I could start keeping a pen and notebook handy, but that just leads to cryptic notes that make no sense whatsoever when I find them days after the inspiration.

I do know that the next time I visit my mum, I'll leave a few notes behind. Then, many years from now, she'll send them to me in an envelope with a post-it that says, "remember these?"

I won't remember at first. But then it will come back to me: I used to write.

Composed circa 1989:

/Muse-Less/ (w/apologies to those who are inspired)

When I am silly I try to be very silly.
When I am pretentious I try not to be.
When I am happy I try to sustain it.
When I am sad I try not to be.
When I am serious I try to be very serious.
When I am poetic I try not to be.
(I do have a reputation to save)

I am older than I ever planned to be
I suspect it will only get worse.

Thanks, Mum, for cleaning out some boxes and reminding me that writing anything and everything is who I used to be. I'm going to try and be that girl again.

Tell all your single friends, catch it quick!

XO, JamieSmitten

Give Until You Bleed

2008-07-30T23:39:00.003-04:00

Er, donate blood, I mean.

I did. I'm A- and CMV (cytomegalovirus) negative as well, which makes me kind of popular.

Unfortunately, I've got some crap veins. So blood donation is a crap shoot. For every successful pint donated, I've had another attempt that failed miserably:

Throwing up at the blood donor site is always a treat. You get handed a plastic kidney shaped tray AS your feet are being whipped up over your head -- usually because several phlebotomists have converged on the scene. At first I thought they were concerned, but after the third time, I realized it was just to use their bodies to hide me from the other well-behaved donors.
Ice packs on the back of the neck can head off nausea. However, these newfangled chemical packs have to be shaken to start the cold reaction. On one occasion, an overzealous phlebotomist shook the bag violently and it exploded, raining down globs of chemical gel on her, me, the needle in my arm. I had to laugh as the swarm of attendants picked it out of my hair. It did have a quite cooling effect.
Double arm sticks are common. Miss the vein in the left (try a few times though, just to be sure!) and move to the right, only to have the vein run so slowly that clotting occurs at the half pint mark.

But today was something completely new and unexpected. The needle went in smoothly and with a minimum of rearranging, I was off to the races. Hurrah! A good donation day! Confident that all was well, ice pack applied to back of neck, I sent my phlebotomist off to obtain the golden nectar. [In the blood donor world, my golden nectar is not beer, but Blue Bird orange juice in the mini cans. Donald Duck is my preferred label, but I'll happily suck back the Blue Bird too. In case you wondered.]

And then I felt something dripping down my arm. So I did the sensible thing and looked up at the ceiling wondering where the leak was. No leak. No rain, in fact, a gorgeous sunny day. So I looked at my arm and a trail of blood is rolling down my arm. Not slowly dripping out from under the 'modesty' gauze, this blood was coursing firmly. That can't be good, eh?

So I flagged down my phlebotomist (delaying my Blue Bird fix for several minutes, much to my annoyance) and she came over and stared at my arm in disbelief. She pulled off the modesty gauze [not a technical term] and we both watched the blood flow into the tube and out the hole around the needle. "Maybe you better stop squeezing, " she said. I did and the blood flow didn't alter. So she kept mopping me up as the pint filled.

On the plus side, I got the pint out in 6 minutes flat -- a personal record. I also got called a special case by the phlebotomist. She refrained from air quotes, but I'm pretty certain she'll be on break when I show up for my next donation.

On the plus, plus, plus side and the whole reason I donate: Some person who needs blood will get it. Possibly a completely cool bald chick currently kicking leukemia's ass.

PLEASE DONATE. http://www.vablood.org/ if you live in Richmond. http://www.givelife.org/ for you non-southerners. While I have had a ton of interesting donations events, I can honestly say that the process is virtually pain free for me. So don't be a wussy about one lousy needle. You get quality OJ and Fig Newtons when you are done. And they let you eat and drink as much as you want.

Tell all your single friends, let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!

XO, JamieSmitten

Never Said I Was Sharp

2008-07-29T23:08:00.002-04:00

Talking to a friend this weekend, I mentioned that I was attending a boot camp-style exercise class. She asked the name and I said, "I thought it was named after the trainer, Kya, but her name is Jennifer."

The friend looked at me and said, "Kya? As in K Y A? As in Kick Your Ass?"

Um. Yes. I guess so. Good thing I'm building muscles (so I can beat up all those people who call me stupid).

www.kyabootcamp.com

Hmph.

Tell all your single friends, I don't even know the names of all the muscles that are getting pumped.

XO, Jamiesmitten

Strange Things I Have Read Lately

2008-07-28T19:08:00.003-04:00

On Craigslist, Casual Encounters section:

Into Rollplay [Mmmm. Me too -- if croissants count!]

On the back of a Fantastic World Foods Tabouli Salad Mix box:

6. Sprinkle bread crumbs and cheese mixture over tomatoes willingly. [Heaven help those who sprinkle begrudgingly or with reckless abandon]

In eHarmony profiles:

How Joe typically spends his leisure time:

"I do enjoy in door games." [And exactly how many games can be played in door? Or in door way, for that matter]

One thing that only Michael's best friends know is:

I like carrot cake.

Some additional information Michael wanted you to know is:

I avoid too much sun. [Damn! There goes my vision of a perfect dream man, eating carrot cake in the sun]

From my cell phone text inbox:

you mean the tall handicapped ones? [Yes. I meant those ones EXACTLY]

Tell all your single friends, RIF!*

XO, JamieSmitten

*Reading is Fundamental (for you younger readers)

How To Tell If You Have Been Reading Too Much About Ireland

2008-07-27T10:49:00.004-04:00

In need of an exclamation this morning (and aren't we all occasionally?), what phrase sprung into my head and out my mouth?

SAINTS PRESERVE US!

Being neither catholic nor religious, I can only guess that my recent deep dive into all things Irish has awakened some ancestral beliefs.

Can FAITH AND BEGORRAH be far behind???

Tell all your single friends, Smitten is prone to exclamatory exposition!

XO, JamieSmitten

Synchronicity

2008-07-25T22:53:00.002-04:00

No, not the Police album. (But while I digress, I prefer Outlandos D'Amour. Next to You is the definitive Police song in my book.)

While I was halfheartedly taking a "career initiative assessment" at work and listening to Operator's Manual, a best of Buzzcocks compilation, the following song came on:

I Don't Know What to Do with My Life

Should I give it up and make a new start

I don't know what to do with my life

'Cos the one I've got just tears me apart

I can't wake up in the morning

And I can't get to sleep at night

I'm not expecting things to be perfect

But a high success rate would be nice

I don't know what to do with my life

I don't know what's gone wrong with my life

But you know I never do seem to win

Whenever I think I've straightened it out

It becomes a vicious circle again

I can't love when anyone loves me

And I can't find the someone to love

But then I start to count my blessings

And I feel I'm getting more than enough of love

I don't know what to do with my life

Repeat as needed to remind yourself that you are not alone. And that you still have decisions to make.

Tell all your single friends, music is life.

XO, JamieSmitten

Two For Two!

2008-07-22T19:14:00.003-04:00

Boom and I were taking our evening walk, proud of ourselves for overcoming a sore knee and a sore everything, respectively, when it happened.

With a tickle in my throat, I raised my non-leash hand to cover my mouth politely as I opened my mouth to cough. And darn if ANOTHER bug didn't fly around my hand to the promise of certain death under my uvula! Smaller than the first, I barely saw his zig zag approach. Nevertheless he gave it his all by wedging his corpse firmly in the back of my throat.

Five blocks from home. On a public thoroughfare. No water bottle.

The third bug is coming tomorrow. I know it. Likely at 5:40 a.m. under cover of darkness as I ~~sprint~~ stagger across the field in pursuit of good health.

Tell all your single friends (and the doctor when the malaria renders me delusional), Smitten swallowed bugs!

XO, JamieSmitten