Merry Christmas!

Outtakes from this year's Christmas photo!


Tell all your single friends, silly hats + puppies = holiday fun


XO, JamieSmitten

Where I'm Going

Hauppauge, New York.


In 4 days.


Not. Soon. Enough.



Tell all your single friends, the last 4 days are the hardest!!!!!


XO, JamieSmitten

Where I've Been

visited 42 states (84%)
Create your own visited map of The United States

I will admit that Vermont, and Hawaii were just pass through on the way to somewhere else. Can't recall if Iowa was a pass through, but if it was, I must have blinked. I have spent at least a few hours in the rest of them. And TOTALLY missed my chance to do Idaho like a native -- right, Val?


visited 7 countries (3.11%)
Create your own visited map of The World

That is a DISMAL percentage. I'm definitely going to add at least one more country in 2010!

Tell all your single friends, where have YOU been?



XO, JamieSmitten

More Real Text Messages From My Phone

We r good on towels. Good on clowns too.

What lunch?

gerard butler is so hot on the ugly truth

Do the boys normally not poop in the rain?

happy halloween from west hollywood

That kicked ass

How does it smell lol

Tell all your single friends, clowns are bad, missed it, hot!, no they don't, lucky you!, I concur!, and it smelled like roses, baby.

XO, JamieSmitten

I SWEAR I Graduated from University

Some of you are going to doubt that after you read this confession.

So I'm busily working away by scrolling through blog posts to find a Christmas picture of Boom. This actually DOES constitute work because the picture has been requested by the holiday party planning committee. So there, step back with your accusations of slackness.

I find the picture and save it to my desktop. I then open an email and attach the jpeg. And for the first time EVER I realize that the little icon that shows up when you attach a jpeg is actually a little sunset/sailboat picture. Like so:

[Ignore the magnifying glass and star -- it was the only example I could find.]

If you had asked me yesterday, I would have said it was a bucket with a red band and a crack in it. An off-center crack. Had you pressed me further as to why that made a reasonable icon for a picture file, I would have shrugged and said, "dunno." Because now that I've realized what the picture really is, I can't for the life of me figure out why I assumed it was a cracked bucket for all these years. In my defense, those icons are really darn small.

Tell all your single friends, Smitten DOES wear corrective lenses!!

XO, JamieSmitten

Much Thanks

So much to be thankful for this year. A short list in off-the-top-of-my-head order:

1. Jason. So worth the wait. (Although this additional 5 weeks absence is a bit much!)
2. Healthy Family. I got to see quite a few of them this year and although it does clarify why I'm odd, I wouldn't trade them in for anything. I also expanded my family through Jason and yes, it does clarify why he is odd.
3. Boom and Pullo. The canine odd couple have provided more love and laughs than annoyance -- although Pullo is determined to make it a close call.
4. Loyal Friends. There are so many of you that brighten my life. I hope I do as much for you as you have done for me.
5. New Experiences. New York City, motorcycle dirt drag races, Long Island, the middle pond, bully breed dog show, Gatorama, the James river, kayaking, camping, Coney Island, E-Z Pass.
6. Good Music. Social Distortion, Morrissey, The English Beat, Delta Spirit, Cracker. While I didn't make my goal of one excellent concert a month, I found new bands and got to see old favorites.
7. Good Books. My bookshelves are literally overflowing with books read and to be read. The new Kathy Reichs and John Irving are top on my list after I finish my birthday books.
8. Employment. I complain a lot but I'm happy for the paycheck.
9. Contentment. I didn't have it for years and I can't tell you what a relief it is to have it back.
10. Silliness. Awkwardfamilyphotos, overheardinnewyork, all those little bits of comic relief sprinkled throughout the day.

Tell all your single friends, take stock and say thanks.

XO, JamieSmitten

Happy Birthday to Me!

Despite my persistent birthday curse (No sex on 11/15 for Smitten! Ever!), I had a very nice day.

Day 3 without Jason started out with an early (ahem) birthday text from JodiO that intimated that I resembled a monkey and possibly smelled like one too. I love old friends -- and she hasn't even SEEN my crappy new hairstyle/color! The boys and I slept in and then had breakfast while we waited for clean clothes from the dryer. I'm not sure if Apple Jacks and cafe con leche are the traditional breakfast for the 43rd birthday, but what the heck, I've never done this before.

Then my Jason called and promised he would never be away from me for my birthday again. Ever. If anyone can break the birthday curse, it is my Jason.

A looonnnng walk in the sun to the post office was made ever more eventful by mountains of dog poo (canine presents, every one!) and lots of phone calls from dear friends and family. I kept the ringer on high because I have some excellent ring tones assigned to all of you. I always get attention when O Canada begins to emanate from my pocket. I highly recommend it.

Several more texts and phone calls later, I had managed to run some errands and have a birthday Krispy Kreme. Classic birthday lunch. Then DFF arrived for a walk with the boys and a nice long chat. After stretching everyone's legs, Anne and I headed to Lowe's for my most awesome birthday present. No more grilling in the dark when my Jason gets home thanks to this:

Then it was off to Tarrant's for a way too tasty/way too filling/sooooo yummy dinner. Pan fried Sea Bass (again, I invoked birthday immunity from calories) with shrimp in tomato vodka lobster cream sauce. Oh yes, I did. Followed up by New York (is there any other kind?) cheesecake with blueberries. Oh my, the food coma was swift. DFF has spoiled me again.

And then, when I was already feeling thankful for the small things today, the phone rang and my Jason called to tell me he loved me and missed me. Fork in me, done.

Tell all your single friends, life is good and great is just around the corner (COME HOME SOON!),

XO, JamieSmitten

Promise

ME + HE = FOREVER

Tell all your single friends, worth the wait and the birthday.

XO, JamieSmitten

Looking On The Bright Side

Well, I'm going to try to anyway.

GOOD THINGS:

I voted! So for at least a few more hours, I can think that my candidate wins!

Being forced to wait until November to get the 2nd set of tires installed meant that I saved $70 for buying Michelins!

It finally stopped raining!!

I have a brand new floor and painted walls in my storage closet!! My Man is the best.

So we absolutely, positively won't think about.....

the fact that the mouse in the bathtub on Saturday morning probably has an entire posse looking for him

or

the fact that my hair, despite REPEATED washings, is still Elvira black AND little pieces are definitely sticking up in the back

or

the sad outcome of last night's baseball game (see above, re My Man is the best)

or

the continued ill effects of last night's "fancy mac and cheese" (I blame the scallops)

Because we are all about POSITIVITY.

Tell all your single friends, we'll see if this power of positive thinking really works.


XO, JamieSmitten

You Know What I Hate?

Does this ever happen to you?

You are sitting there minding your own business and someone you know (and this is where you find out they really aren't good friend material) says, "what's wrong with you?" "Usually you are cracking me up and making me die laughing. I don't like having to be the entertaining one."

You know what, people? I am NOT the paid entertainment. Yes, I am usually upbeat and making jokes but it is not my job. And you telling me that I'm not being entertaining enough for you? That just makes me want to get up and leave and not come back.

Except while you were complaining that I wasn't entertaining you as much as usual, you also fucked up my hair color and cut. So now I have to go back. When YOU get back from vacation which you reminded me of so that I could tip you generously (your words).

Yep. I'm going to be a freaking barrel of laughs when I sit in your chair.

Tell ALL your friends, don't expect me to entertain you unless you are throwing $20 bills at me.


XO, JamieSmitten

Things I Adore, Things I Abhor

Apparently, some people think I'm slacking on my blogging. In particular, they lament the loss of my "Was it a good week?" rating system. So, for the fans....



5 Things I Adore:

• 66 degree weather in late October. Perfect fall colors and no worries that I don't actually have a winter wardrobe. Yet.
• Tzatziki. I'm mainlining a vat of it with some Costco falafel balls. Saucy balls, try it!
• Brand new windshield wiper blades. Oh the clear vision! I feel faint!
• This week's Sons of Anarchy ending to Delta Spirit's "People, Turn Around." Love, love, love them (Samcro AND Delta Spirit).
• My kick-ass seasonal planter!
  

5 Things I Abhor:

• Cancer. You've made my list before, Bastard, and I'm over you. So step away from my two friends immediately.
  
• Tires. Motherf-ing tires. I followed all the steps on Costco.com right down to engine size and body style, ordered 4 new tires and promptly got a flat tire. THEN, if that wasn't enough, when I went to get the tires installed 3 days later -- THEY WERE THE WRONG SIZE. So now I drive around for 5 more days on a mini tire (because they took the flat off the rim and I can't even get it patched ARGH). And the new ones cost $200 more. I hate tires.
• Dogs who think they are too delicate to go out and pee in the rain. Pullo -- you aren't delicate and you are officially ON NOTICE.
• Waking up any time before 10 a.m. Really, world, who decided that 8:30 a.m. meetings on Friday were allowed? You are lucky I'm there, don't expect pleasant!
• Mice. Motherf-ing mice. They are back, apparently attracted by the misdirected dog food pellets that someone didn't get into the dog bowl. Mice are NOT in every home and they WILL be terminated. With electricity. As soon as I get my fancy mouse trap back.
  

Tell all your single friends, keeping it real, despite it all, because that's how we do.



XO, JamieSmitten

No, I Don't Think It Is Ash Wednesday

(or How I Got the Forehead Contusion)

The plan was to leave for New York at 10 a.m. "If you want to see Coney Island, we need to beat the traffic."

"O.K. Then I need to get up at 6:30 to get stuff done."

"That is way too early. You can get up at 7:30 and it will be fine."

I got up at 7:30 and we departed the house at 10:20. With one stop to make at the post office. I hopped out of the car and left the car running because someone was cold and needed the heat on while he listened to the radio and read his book. Someone turned off the car, but left the heat and radio on -- and unbeknownst to someone -- the lights were also on.

"Who the hell drives with the lights on during the day?"

"I do."

"Well that's stupid."

"So's your face." [This is a standard rejoinder in the household indicating a lack of agreement and a request to move on to the next potential topic for disagreement.]

So after standing in a line to mail a package (hope you like it!) I came outside and happily tried to start my car to head off on vacation. Car doesn't start.

More leaving the lights on is stupid, more well if you don't know how to pop a clutch without me explaining it then I can't explain it, and finally the bright idea to get a jump start. The startled woman next to us agrees to move her minivan around and provide the juice.

I hop out of the car to pop the hood. Done, I return to the driver seat and await cable connection. Then I remember that the last time someone ran down my battery, he had a hard time locating the battery as it was under an relatively unmarked cover. So I hop back out of the car -- and yes, I was fully impatient, annoyed, and foul-tempered -- and leaned over to pull the cover off and conked my forehead HARD on the raised hood.

I staggered back to the car mumbling, "fuck it. Someone can find it himself." He did and we were on our way -- finally, at 10:48.

So I drive for a 1/2 hour. Then I turn around and go back to the house to get someone's ID. I ask for aspirin from the kitchen because I have a headache. Not enough coffee, I assume, vowing to get a large cup at the first stop.

First stop is 3 hours later. Aspirin has not touched the headache which has become a dull throb. Amazingly, I still think it is caffeine withdrawal. We enter the rest stop, I use the facilities, and inspect my eye makeup while I wash my hands. We get in line, buy burgers (Roy Rogers still has Double R Bar burgers! Who knew? They aren't as good as I remember, but then, life is like that.) We get up and I go to Starbucks to get my coffee. Line is too long, so I make the ultimate sacrifice and order a coffee from the urn at Cinnabon. While I wait for my coffee to be poured (a 3 minute span of time, oddly), I turn to someone and say, "Do I have something on my forehead. It kind of hurts here." I point to just right of center on my forehead.

My eyes get bigger. Someone's eyes get bigger. And I feel a knot the size of a walnut on my forehead.

"How the hell didn't you see this in the past 3 hours?"

"I wasn't looking right at you."

"I'm pretty sure a bump this big has a profile."

"Holy shit it is getting bigger. Stop making me laugh."

By the time we get to the car we are laughing hysterically -- someone from the speed at which the knot is growing and me from the leaking brain fluid from the skull I now realized is cracked -- the walnut is bigger. I'm advised to put ice on it.

"How would you like me to do that and drive?"

"I'm not sure, baby. Want me to drive?"

"No. I already have a headache. Give me one of the ice cubes from your drink."

I then proceed to give myself an ice cream headache on TOP of the cracked cranium headache for the next 20 minutes. I become adept at ice cube balancing and refuse the offer of a ski cap to hold the cube in place.

"Bad enough I'm going to meet your friends with a third eye, let's not add hat hair."

Someone (after another bout of hysterical laughing), "it hardly shows, baby. You are beautiful."

We did not beat rush hour. My knot did show, but didn't start to turn purple until we got home, 3 days later.

And no, co-workers, I don't think it is Ash Wednesday and that isn't a smudge on my forehead. It's a souvenir.


Tell all your single friends, the best pizza EVER had eggplant parmesan slices on it and was at Danny's in Central Islip, NY.


XO, JamieSmitten

Coney Island! Best Pizza Ever! Forehead Contusion!

More on that later! Enjoy the pix for now:


Shut down for the season, eh? Well I'll be back!

Notice he didn't mention October.

Yes, I ate a Nathan's hot dog and it was GOOD! Tasted great on top of that bistec a la parilla. And Jamaican meat patty. And Roy Rogers Double R Bar Burger. [Note: All consumed AFTER forehead contusion received. Hmmmmmm]

Need more clothes. COLD!

Anyone have a clue as to what Mozzarepa could be? Me neither -- until I googled it.

Sadly, the live human targets were gone for the season.

Tell all your single friends, New York is the most fun (if you can afford the tolls to get there),


XO, JamieSmitten

More Real Text Messages From My Phone

Mackeral

Haha me 2

Yes we r some lucky kids

I didn't actually watch it, just marvelled at its existence

U r sitting next to small skull!

Quick! Somebody count the clowns!

Do I put water AND ice or just ice in purple thing?

Cant. Stop. Itching.

Tell All Your Single Friends, context is everything.

XO, JamieSmitten

Has It Really Been Almost a Month?

Since I blogged? Such a slacker. But it isn't like I've been sitting around. In fact, I have hardly been home for a weekend between the last post and now.

First came the trip to Smith Mountain Lake. Huge. No signs indicating which way to the specific dock where your family and dogs are waiting with the beer. So my advice is to just keep tucking that pontoon boat into each cove and hope for the best.... Watch out for the clowns.

Then, it was off to Ontario for a family wedding. Thankfully, the passport arrived and the flight was not canceled/delayed/overly turbulent. Of course, I DID get pulled for "special screening" at security. I knew having all of my liquids in the correct size bottles in a quart size bag ready for display was not enough juju to ward off the universe's need to have me groped impersonally by a stranger in the name of national security. This time, I was given the option of the grope or the full body scan. I think I shocked the guard when I opted for the scan. The scan was implemented at the Richmond airport right after my last hellish flight in November and caused a bit of an uproar. Namely because the scan shows it all. Right under your clothes. Just like those glasses they used to advertise in the back of comic books -- only it really works. The lucky man who got to see beneath my travel ensemble to the real me was hidden away in a room, but I'm sure he enjoyed it. The wedding was lovely if a bit emotional (for me, anyway). I did NOT ride with the piper, nor did I show mum how to focus my camera apparently. The weather was unseasonably cool, but I still went swimming in the lake because I'm no quitter. I finished my book 10 minutes before I landed back in Richmond, so good timing all around.


For the Labor Day weekend, we finally used the tent we bought early in the summer and went camping on the James river down in southeast Virginia. The tent turned out to be the bargain of the century. We thought it looked like a lot of tent for the money, but had no idea that our voices would echo inside. Sadly, I never even took a picture of it set up. But it would have been hard without a panoramic camera anyway. Eating, drinking, laughing, fishing, frying, kayaking -- with Boom!, swimming, marshmallow roasting, staring into the bonfire. We were even treated to a bonus fireworks display across the river. Lovely, perfect weekend. Especially the Nathan's hotdog grilled on the fire with approximately 1/3 of a bottle of relish. YUM. Makes me wish summer was just starting, instead of ending. I guess I should focus on getting as much kayak time in as I can before it gets cold. Because I'm that sporty.


Tell all your single friends, time flies when you don't stay home.*


XO, JamieSmitten

*It freaking CRAWLS when you are waiting for the love of your life to come home. BOO!

Mockery @ Work = $$

Yep. For the sum of $40 in Target gift cards, my picture was circulated throughout the entire department. It is an "honor."

Tell all your single friends, it might be time to go blonde again.

XO, JamieSmitten

p.s. Thank goodness the queen of photoshop is my friend, right??

I Heart NYC -- Take 2!

We spent less than 24 hours in NYC thanks to traffic and having too much fun in Connecticut!

However we managed to pack a LOT in:

1. A hotel room ON THE PENTHOUSE LEVEL. Yep. I had a balcony in NYC.
   Sure, it was small, but I had a close-up view of the Empire State building.
   
   
   


2. Two cab rides. Sadly, not the Cash Cab as I had hoped. The cabs have touchscreens that let you map your journey. And commercials. They did swerve around as expected, so that was nice.


3. A jaunt in the rain through Chinatown. Super crowded streets and near-miss eye gouging by umbrellas. AND -- I was propositioned by one of those "come into my back room and buy a purse" people. Ha. Like I'd go shopping when I could be sightseeing.


4. Dim Sum with approximately 372 people. Amazing food and total chaos as new patrons are directed in to their table by flight attendants with head phones. I decided to go with the spirit of the experience and not look too closely at the fillings. I'm fairly certain I managed to avoid chicken, but I definitely consumed all other meats. YUM.


5. A diner meal at midnight. My bagel was not anything special, but the chocolate malted was aces. There was a cashier who looked to be at least 92 and the waiter kept touching us. Completely surreal.

Tell all your single friends, every NYC trip makes you love it more!!

XO, Jamiesmitten

River Fun

Note Boom's complete lack of concern that Pullo may be stuck in the big hole he dug.



Evening on the rocks




Pullo torments Aunt Bonnie

Extreme Love Close-Up!

Tell all your single friends, your ass will feel 100% better if you sit on a towel. Just ask Jason.

XO, JamieSmitten

Boom and Pullo -- Action Shot!

Rule #345: Avoid Myopic Waxers

I think I've mentioned the fact that I wax my legs. Have done for years and years. Doesn't even hurt any more and I can't conceive of returning to the constant razor scrape. To each his own.


So I decided to celebrate the coming of summer and get a little wild. (O.K. This isn't too wild. I'm not naming names but readers in Chesterfield County and in Portland have done it. I'm just saying.) But yep, I decided to celebrate my return to a rampant sex life with a Brazilian. Not the removal of every hair, but a nice little wax job. (I hate that airport term. I get visions of fiery crashes.)


So I did my research and found a place with Brazilian Wax EXPERTS. (I'm not going to name names, but if you are planning to go Brazilian in the metro Richmond area, please check with me first.) I couldn't get an appointment before NYC, so I settled for an appointment before the Florida trip. Since they call themselves skin experts, I didn't even feel guilty for saying I had to leave work early for an appointment with my dermatologist.


I arrived, filled out the paperwork, clarified that I wanted an upper leg and a Brazilian, and was escorted back to a room. By a woman wearing the thickest glasses possible outside of a Jerry Lewis movie. (I worked for optometrists for 4 years. I know what lenses for extreme myopia and astigmatism look like. These were they.)


I'm handed a pair of paper underwear which is really a piece of paper with a large elastic around the top. Blind Betty leaves the room and I undress and carefully position the 2" by 6" paper over my special place.

She comes back in and we discuss our plan of attack. She seems to know what she is talking about, but during the hour I was at her mercy, she revealed that waxing was just a fill in job while she finished her masters. In something or other. She said where do you want me to stop and I pointed. Then she applied the wax a good inch below the mark. Let's just say, what was left looked like the survivor of a rampant forest fire: a few sparse patches here and there.

Don't even get me started on the upper leg wax. Blind Betty's method here was to get very close to my leg and angle it back and forth to see if she could catch sight of a hair in the light, then wax that one small area. Finally, I just started pointing out entire sections she had missed.


Eventually I took pity on her and said I was satisfied with the job. She left the room while I dressed and I managed to slather on/rip off three more sections myself before she knocked on the door and asked if I was almost done.


You do NOT want to know what I paid. Needless to say, I declined the "package" deal for discounts on future waxings.


After conversing with some of my friends, I am sure that a professional Brazilian wax might be nice. I wholeheartedly suggest avoiding the the Short Pump patch wax. On the plus side, hair grows back so I no longer look like a forest fire victim.


Tell all your single friends, Brazilians aren't just for women*




XO, JamieSmitten


*