More Real Text Messages From My Phone

We r good on towels. Good on clowns too.

What lunch?

gerard butler is so hot on the ugly truth

Do the boys normally not poop in the rain?

happy halloween from west hollywood

That kicked ass

How does it smell lol

Tell all your single friends, clowns are bad, missed it, hot!, no they don't, lucky you!, I concur!, and it smelled like roses, baby.

XO, JamieSmitten

Looking On The Bright Side

Well, I'm going to try to anyway.

GOOD THINGS:

I voted! So for at least a few more hours, I can think that my candidate wins!

Being forced to wait until November to get the 2nd set of tires installed meant that I saved $70 for buying Michelins!

It finally stopped raining!!

I have a brand new floor and painted walls in my storage closet!! My Man is the best.

So we absolutely, positively won't think about.....

the fact that the mouse in the bathtub on Saturday morning probably has an entire posse looking for him

or

the fact that my hair, despite REPEATED washings, is still Elvira black AND little pieces are definitely sticking up in the back

or

the sad outcome of last night's baseball game (see above, re My Man is the best)

or

the continued ill effects of last night's "fancy mac and cheese" (I blame the scallops)

Because we are all about POSITIVITY.

Tell all your single friends, we'll see if this power of positive thinking really works.


XO, JamieSmitten

More Real Text Messages From My Phone

Mackeral

Haha me 2

Yes we r some lucky kids

I didn't actually watch it, just marvelled at its existence

U r sitting next to small skull!

Quick! Somebody count the clowns!

Do I put water AND ice or just ice in purple thing?

Cant. Stop. Itching.

Tell All Your Single Friends, context is everything.

XO, JamieSmitten

Been There, Got the T-Shirt

Oh my, the things I've seen:

• Poison Oak that lasts a month
• Dirt clods in my pocket after the motorcycle dirt drag races at Slades Park
• Stars -- when I wrenched my back during boot camp
• Stars again -- when the physical therapist dug his thumb into my wrenched back
• Remnants of a Philly cheese steak on my own plate
• Mountains of puppy poo -- sometimes even on the puppy pee pad
• Teeny, tiny LOUD frogs in stagnant pools in the rocks in the James River
• LOTS of dog tug of war

Tell all your single friends, dirt is for racing, asphalt just for getting there.

XO, JamieSmitten

More Real Text Messages on My Phone

"Get over here in the heat & Join us!"


"How did u know i just ate chef boyardee"


"Did u check my pants"


"Meat still frozen"


"Thank goodness! Was the thing sideways?"


"Doubtful. I'm a respectable partnered woman now. Snort."


"Parsippany"


Tell all your single friends, the accent is on the SIP not the PANY.



XO, JamieSmitten

Real Text Messages on My Phone

SENT:



How did the big ziti smackdown go?



Requirements gathering. I had a hard time wondering why anyone would care.



I do love it! Just didn't recall talking about it.



I knew she'd go there, smoking & all



She's the bad karma express



I'm not sure I would call that MY eureka moment



Tragically bad. Did yr feet get some action?



Received:



Having raisin toast for breakfast and thinking of you!



Snow is as deep as a gnome's chin! Ha!



She's so weird. so very weird. and quite the bus-thrower-under.



Wanna bail 2morrow?



and nothing helps? drugs heat chocolate?



Read'n about buttery nipples while I eat lunch, whatCHOO doing?



it wasn't my ass, it was my thighs!



Tell all your single friends, who are you calling a twitter?





XO, JamieSmitten

The Things You Hear

On the phone tonight, the Rev said:

It must be the hoar frost that keeps me young

That just sounds funny.

Tell all your single friends, it only sounds like it should be spelled w-h-o-r-e.

XO, JamieSmitten

Photo from http://www.maryedwardsphotography.com

We Are in a Recession, People!

So there was truly no excuse for me to pay $2.81 for a grapefruit.

Yes. A grapefruit. One. It was organic and weighed in at an impressive 1.13 lbs. but still, it seems a bit excessive, doesn't it?

I know better than to buy fruit at Ellwood Thompson. I love the store, but it really is targeted at the wealthy people who live on the other side of the Boulevard.

But it was Sunday morning and I was in desperate need of organic milk for my oatmeal and Cafe Bustelo and I just couldn't face the pre-Super Bowl hordes at Kroger. Plus I wanted to look at the sea buckthorn oil lotion.

There was a nice sample plate of oranges and they were good. And that damn grapefruit was just sitting there firm and redolent of sunny days in a faraway place where surely my knees wouldn't be aching from dancing. Sigh.

I also spent $15.99 on sea buckthorn lotion that appears to stain my face orange. But that's another story.

Tell all your single friends, I ate every darn juicy segment, and the seeds.


XO, JamieSmitten

Single: The Good, The Bad, and The Horny

I've been single for a long time. A really long time. My last official relationship ended in 2001.

There was a dalliance or two in the intervening years, but I think DRY SPELL is appropriate terminology when applied to my love life.

I'm friendly -- unless you piss me off, I'm intelligent -- unless I'm trying to justify my past boyfriend choices, I'm an excellent conversationalist -- unless we are talking about college sports or the merits of the Republican party, and I can dance -- unless you mean break dancing.

Add home and car ownership, a small amount of retirement funds, and breasts that while lower than they were 10 years ago still get respect, and I'm thinking that this is a reasonably attractive offer. And don't forget! I have jogged within the past week.

So where my men at? I managed to throw a leg over one youngster in 2008, but that just reminded me that I really like sex. Even fairly quick don't-bother-taking-off-your-socks-because-you-aren't-staying sex. I need more of that in 2009.

So where my men at? It certainly isn't Craigslist. Although I'm a devoted reader of Men Seeking Women, Casual Encounters, and Missed Connections. (Tip: Forget the Richmond CL, go straight for the freaks in the SF Bay area. Holy Hannah, there are some unique individuals looking for lust!) It doesn't seem to work well for anyone because many of the posts have plaintive titles like "Just seeing if there is anyone real on here." Full disclosure: I did respond to one post (because he was the only person to not say "hit me up") only to have a one word reply "Pic?" I sent it and then using the clues in his post, found his former band's Myspace page which led to his blog which led to the info that he worked AT MY PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. Sometimes I hate Richmond. He must not have liked the picture or maybe my second email to him noting that as a fellow employee he might have the courtesy to reply as "not interested" scared him. Whatev. He was short.

So where my men at? It certainly isn't eHarmony. The majority of profiles that were sent to me based on a much vaunted list of matching characteristics made me doubt the very existence of soul mates. Never has there been a larger group of incompatible men. However you have to give them props for some wicked howlers:

The most influential person in Sam Single's life has been: My son, having a child is not only amazing but it puts you in a frame of mind that makes your realize you are responsible for the life of another.

[I doubt his mind needed a very big frame]

Profession: 44 yr old physician who lives in the Isle of White

[Um. That would be the Isle of WIGHT, unless you were being ironic about your West End neighborhood]

Some additional information Sam Single wanted you to know is: I'm constantly reading and I try to read books that I enjoy and they include fiction and non-fiction.

[When I read I look at the words and the words are in sentences next to the big pictures]


The things Sam Single can't live without are:
Baseball
Spell Check
Sushi
Modigliani
Good Friends

[Bitch! Your friends are so much more important than Modigliani. But you are right, a good spicy tuna roll is hard to beat.]

Some additional information Sam Single wanted you to know is: I consider myself having an errant disposition with a passion for adventure & intellectual enrichment. I'm a monogamist in the purest sense & tend to be very demonstrative when it comes to affection & passion once I become comfortable with that person. I enjoy formal events but unpretentious, casual settings are my overriding preference. Especially enjoy that "one on one" time with that unique someone. I'm an ardent believer that life's most poignant, as well as casual moments are shared with one's better half.

[Get away from me, you impure monogamists!!]


Seriously, I couldn't make this crap up if I tried. So you see where I'm going?

So where my men at? I've had slightly more action from GreenSingles.com. Admittedly it is stacking the deck with liberal, animal-loving, non-hunters to choose from, but what are my other options? I've had some email exchanges, but for the most part, I'm getting declarations of love from the 50+ set. Some of whom live in teepees. No, you read that right. Read on:

Something about you: I'm a TIPI-MAKER and PEACE ACTIVIST trying to facilitate a CONSCIOUSNESS REVOLUTION by way of "re-creating" the TRIBAL CIRCLE OF FAMILY....Into permaculture,organic gardening,music festivals, and radical "green" politics....(and other FUN and LIFE-affirming stuff)

[Yes! There was a picture of the teepee AND the teepee maker!]

Something about you: Since i was an infant I was aware a of a deep and intense longing to personally know the ultimate ground of being. At first it was incoate (sic) but it became clearer and more intense toughout chidhood. At the age of 12 I had a profound mystical experance that catapulted me into an even more intense search for the divine.

[At the age of 42, I profoundly puked when reading this profile]

And let's be clear about this. The mate options on GreenSingles are still better than SantaMatch or PlentyofFish.com. Is it just me or does that look like plenty offish? As in, "that meat looks plenty offish. You'd probably get sick and die if you ate it."

So there you have it. I can have a TIVO season pass to Rock of Love Bus and not have to justify it to a significant other. I can allow my Boom to have one whole side of the bed and not have to squeeze in between him and my man. I can have only beer and lettuce in my refrigerator and that is o.k.

And I'm not saying I'd give all that up. I'm just saying I wouldn't mind some action.


Tell all your single friends, Smitten's got it all most of it.



XO, JamieSmitten

I Am

It must have been a long, crappy week at work, because I think the above is hysterical. I may even buy the t-shirt.

Recap:

• Started back to bootcamp on 10/1. Knee is sore, but stable. My ass hurts. I hate lunges.
• Had my picture taken today at work with the knowledge that it will be photoshopped into a picture of the Bride of Frankenstein and sent out via email to the entire department. Oh sure, I'll get a $40 gift card for being the Talk of the Town, but is that really the price of humiliation these days?
• Watched the Ex-List tonight. Had some funny moments -- the break up song was CLASSIC -- "Revenge is better than love!" -- but hard to not start thinking about my exes. And that, my friends, is a depressing thought. Rest assured, I will NOT be imitating TV and tracking them down.
• Didn't get to sleep until 3 a.m. this morning thanks to loudly partying asshat neighbors. I WILL be the cranky old bitch next time and call the cops. And your music sucks.
• Won a quarter off a gambling addict co-worker. I think of it as a life lesson for him and a small source of income for me. He has yet to make me pay up when I call the flip incorrectly, but I think I can take him if he tries as he wears a fleece vest.
• I have begun a flirtation with a GreenSingles man. He seems normal and has cows. In Maine. Don't even pretend you wouldn't come visit me on the farm. I wonder if I can get Greek yogurt there? Must inquire. Send positive thoughts -- I need some longterm man loving.
• Puppysat Zeus and Rocky. Two stuffed animals died a gruesome death across the living room floor. Boom got his hump on and has been limping slightly since. Even puppies have to pay to play it seems.
• Received a work-related email from someone who rode the same bus in ninth grade. I forced him to admit the connection, but seriously, he doesn't remember me dating his friend for a month? My name is pretty uncommon.
• Looked up that friend and found that he is a brewmaster with several restaurants in Atlanta. Sure, he was short, but maybe I should have overlooked that.
• Yogurt covered pretzels. Possibly, the highlight of the week thus far. No, maybe it was winning the quarter.
• Until tomorrow -- when I get to go to the State Fair with my niece and brother-in-law. If my niece does not wake up with the fever she had tonight. If they do come for the fair, I am definitely taking my camera. I will not be taking a picture of the pork parfait. You are welcome.

Tell all your single friends, Smitten is home on a Friday night because retreat seemed the best option.

XO, JamieSmitten

I've Been Financially Hacked!

Boom and I were enjoying our morning walk in the lovely cool sunshine, puzzling over why some dog walkers were wearing gloves and scarves when clearly, a t-shirt and sandals was the correct choice, when my phone rang.

[My NEW phone. Materialistic of me, but I love it. I've spent an absurd amount of money downloading ringtones (and accidentally, one ringback tone) and assigning pictures to my contact list. The best part? SIM card capability means that when I go to Ireland and Scotland next year (when, not if, people), I can call and tell everyone about while I'm there.]

Caller ID said an 800 number, so I ignored it and kept walking. Upon arriving home I checked the message and it was my bank requesting a call back about some charges on my credit card.

Well that's odd. Haven't used my credit card recently. I start dialing and pull up my online account.

Holy crap! Almost $20,000 from 6 charges! The nice lady at USAA confirmed that my last authorized charge was $19.88 to Netflix and not $5,000 to a company I have never heard of and set to work deleting them.

So whoever hacked my credit card attempted to make three $5,000 payments (donations?) to a religious charity in Baltimore. Like that would ever happen. Not even if it was for born again dogs. The other three charges ranging from $1300 to $2600 were to a travel agency in Finland specializing in safari adventures -- reindeer in Lappland! Again, not me. My bank doesn't know how it happened. I'm just glad they have fraud filters in place. Really glad.

Tell all your single friends, CHECK YOUR ONLINE ACCOUNT FREQUENTLY!


XO, JamieSmitten

p.s. Donated my pint of top grade A-Negative CMV- blood in 9 minutes tonight. (I rock!)
p.p.s. I'd rather give ten pints without a break than sit through any more of "bless her heart, she'll get her reward in heaven'' cliches from the satanic hockey mom on the three major networks tonight.

Thanks for the Clarification!

Jamie: Hey Universe? I'm just going to put it out there. If you won't give me a vermin-free house despite my best efforts to dispatch them quickly and painlessly, I'll just move to Paris and live a wonderful life not unlike the film Avenue Montaigne.

Universe: Hey Jamie? Uh no. Doesn't work that way. But I'll throw you a bone so you don't give up hope completely.

Jamie: Boom! Oh my God! The green light is flashing! WE FRIED MICKEY!

And there was rejoicing in Carytown.


Tell all your single friends, I emptied the trap all by myself.



XO, Jamiesmitten

Humming Along

The refrigerator is back in its corner behaving properly via the customary receptacle. Thank goodness, as the scalding burn on my left hand (sustained while carrying my cup of tea -- not coffee because I like a latte in the morning and there was no milk for many untrustworthy fridge days -- in one hand and a bag of frozen vegetables -- Mexican style! -- for my sore knee in the other hand, and simultaneously ducking down under the extension cord coming over the fridge to the other wall and squeezing in between the fridge and the counter) has been a constant reminder of all not copacetic on the home front.

No new mouse poop, but Mr. Electrician revealed more leftovers when he moved the microwave (oops!). So despite my desire to wear a clothespin on my nose to avoid the spearmint smell, I threw the last organic-non-toxic-mouse-repellent sachet behind the stove. The trap seems to be a no go. Apparently, peanut butter is no longer the attraction it used to be. Or maybe they just don't like the organic kind.

On a different note -- because why should we all suffer through another vermin lament? -- I enjoyed a new playlist at work today. Enjoyed it enough that a co-worker felt compelled to demonstrate some of my better chair-dancing moves to a third party. I have inspired this kind of jealousy before. Believe me, I've got moves. This is the odd mix that got me going:

1. Bring Your Love Down (Didn't I) by Yaz
2. Situation by Yaz
3. So Many Nights by Cat Empire
4. Right Now by SR71
5. Missundaztood by Pink
6. Get the Party Started by Pink
7. Someone to Love by Fountains of Wayne
8. Boyz-N-The Hood by Dynamite Hack
9. Take Off Your Clothes by Morningwood
10. C'est pas la première fois by Caroline Néron

A refreshing change of pace from my recent Ramones immersion, I chose some Yaz because Alison Moyet has such a damn fine voice and because these songs remind me of dancing nonstop at university parties. "You play your games but the fact remains, I'm the only one that can hold your reins." Was there ever a more appealing lyric for a Scorpio?

I heard this Cat Empire song on KEXP Online and loved it instantly. I don't groove on Cat Power, but the whole empire, DEFINITELY! "So many nights I'm still thinking about you."

I think I heard this SR71 song on the "we play anything!" station and it stuck in my head. "So what if the sex was great, just a temporary escape." I think we can all relate to that. Don't leave me hanging.

Next came a pair of old Pink tunes because I'm not completely sold on her new song or that great color/horrid cut coat thingie she wore on the VMAs. When I had the cd (bootleg copy that cracked!), I really liked her duet with Steven Tyler, but for desk dancing, this is the go to pair. "Looking for the right track, always on the wrong track." Story of my life lyrics, yet again.

I saw Fountains of Wayne at the 2007 Virgin Festival and I was pleasantly surprised. Mind you, it was early on and seeing the Fratellis an hour later knocked them right out of my mind until I heard this song a week or so ago. "Don't give out, don't give up, one of these nights you might find someone to love." Bite me, I'm a closet optimist.

EXCELLENT segue, if I do say so myself, to Dynamite Hack's laid back version of the classic NWA/EazyE song. "Don't quote me, boy, I ain't said shit."

So now that the gloves are off, we might as well take off our clothes with Morningwood (top 10 best band name EVER!). I heard this first on KEXP and although it doesn't have the deepest lyrics, I couldn't resist the rawness. Besides, how many songs can you name that reference a happy trail? "When I see you baby, I wanna take off your clothes."

The last song was a total find as I stumbled through some lists of contemporary Canadian music. Haven't heard much French blues, but this song appeals. According to IMDB, she's also an actress. She's not ugly either. Bet she isn't spending the evening writing about vermin. Sigh. I'll skip the French, but the basic idea is that it isn't the first time she's been played by a guy like him. Hmph.

Tell all your single friends, two glasses of bistro red make a pretty awesome dinner.

XO, JamieSmitten

Random End of Week Thoughts

• My faith in personalized license plates was restored this morning when I saw an old 280Z painted orange sporting: GENRL Z

• Some recent gems from the profiles on that horrible dating site which is supposedly matching me on innumerable compatibility points:
• How do you spend your leisure time? On the golf coarse
• The Things Chris can't live without are:
• Swordplay
• Books
• Privacy
• Chocolate
• Physical Intimacy
• I don't know about you, but I have a hard time picturing my soul mate ENGAGING in swordplay, let along listing it as his top thrill.

• I watched Charlie Wilson's War this week and found it quite enjoyable. Nothing like getting your history lesson with Tom Hanks in the leading role. I'd watch him floss because he is that likable.

• I also rented The Three Lives of Thomasina -- an ancient Disney movie that I remember watching on tv as a kid. What I forgot was how sadistic Walt was. Holy crap, animals were dying left and right! It was kind of horrifying and not at all the happy cat movie that I remembered. Good thing I watched it before buying it for my niece.

• Bootcamp is going well. I lured a former neighbor to a free class this week, but I don't think she is ready to commit full time. Meanwhile, Bootcamp leader is contemplating adding a third day each week. Now that I have the THIRD alarm set on stun, I'm making it to class at 5:30 without issues. So BRING IT ON, KYA!

• I read My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands by Chelsea Handler in about 4 hours. The true tall tales of her dating life were very funny with a side of David Sedaris insight into dysfunctional family dynamics. It was a nice change after reading some chick lit novels that falsely promise true love around every corner. I'll stick with the messy, skid mark on the underwear version of life, thank you.

• The Olympics weren't as boring as I expected. I saw some great dives (somebody please tell me, who decided a mandatory dive starts with a handstand on a diving board a million miles above the pool? That is INSANE), some exciting volleyball (where are these volleyball men hanging out in the off season? Those are some seriously tall and cute young men on the Brazilian team), and lots of swimming (were the interviews with Mama Phelps longer than her son's races?). Done for two.

• I saw Pineapple Express at a half-full matinee on Saturday. I was a little disappointed at the low stoner percentage in the theatre, but perhaps the 1:50 show isn't the optimal time. In a word: Hysterical. Yes, all those reviews about the comedy turning into a violence fest were accurate, but killing somebody with a Daewoo doesn't exactly indicate you have left funnytown. Crude, rude, cringe-inducing at times, but total escapist entertainment.

Tell all your single friends, what if Smitten tells HER one-night stand stories?

XO, JamieSmitten

This Is What You Missed

• My toenails are PINK. This is pretty rare, as regular readers can attest. Blue is the preferred color. But heck, it is summer, and when you have a bottle of nail polish named The Lifeguard Makes Me Blush......
• During a 2 hour "Managing Your Career" class at work, I was informed that it was unsurprising that I haven't found a career. Being an ENFP and all. Great. I thought it was just poor choices on my part (cinema draft house waitress, optometric assistant, document processor, legal admin, blackjack dealer, corporate cog). Nope, I'm doomed to want to help people but get bored quickly once that is done.

• I have procured books by both my crushes: Craig Ferguson's Between the Bridge and the River and Hugh Laurie's The Gun Seller but have not had time to read either. All this working out and such.
  
  

• Speaking of working out, I slept through Monday's boot camp. Slept through 1 alarm that repeated every 5 minutes FIVE times. Yes, I was tired, but I had my workout clothes ready and everything. On the plus side, I did the workout at home Monday night. Not quite as intense, but better than nothing.

• Online dating continues to be as frustrating as before. On GreenSingles.com (for us environmentally friendly types), I sent a free "Smile" to someone. Standard verbiage saying I read their profile and was interested. Care to know what I got in reply?

Thanks for sending a smile. I am disgusted with the
corporate media and the corporate warmongering candidates. I voted for Rep
Kucinich in the Illinois Primary and will vote for Nader in the Fall election. I
am sick of CNN giving me another corporate fascist to vote for. I am not even a
Democrat anymore. They left me. I am a Green Party member now. If the Democrats cannot even mention poverty or the term "working class" anymore in their party platform, they may as well join the Republicans and make sure the rich do not starve!!Morons say I will be throwing my vote away. I say, I will not have blood on my hands when Obama or McCain attack Iran, Afghanistan, or Pakistan. I am sick of my country being a rogue nation. As far as I can see, this country is the only nation to use nuclear weapons and is still using them!! Depleted Uranium is still radioactive...hello! I have watched Bush terrorize the world and I am sick of it. I am ready to go to a civilized country if McCain is
elected or selected. Obama is no better really. He is wanting to subsidize
insurance companies and bomb Afghanistan and Pakistan. Screw the morons here. I will not waste my breath on idiots anymore. Americans are too lazy to read and 49% are too lazy to let the candidates know that they are watching by voting. If only every eligible voter would vote, the candidates would have to think that people are paying attention. I realize that the Constitution has made it very easy for working people to vote by making Tuesday Election Day. But, people need to get off their ass and vote before they find a national ID chip implanted in their bodies. The fence around this country will not be for keeping illegals out as much as for keeping the morons in!! Do you understand me? Are you as disgusted as me? Did you enjoy Obama voting to eliminate the 4th Ammendment as much as I did? He is a good little fascist for sure. I am glad that the government can open my mail and intercept my overseas mressages. Do you understand that the government will know if you ask another person overseas to help you escape this totalitarian police state? Naive morons think that they are looking for the terroristsss with this FISA law. Dream on... Why are Americans so lazy and pathetically stupid? Please enlighten me if you
can.Sincerely,B---- PS I am a good person and would like to correspond with you. I like your style "smitten" and think you pay attention. I do not Yahoo! since they give email info to the Chinese government and cause many Chinese people to be beaten, tortured, and jailed. I have a Windows Live Mesenger ID(XXXXXX) and I would like to chat with you sometime if you are interested.

Thank goodness he doesn't know where I live. Yikes!

• In pouring the watery stuff off my only-used-once sour cream, I accidentally dumped the contents of the container into the sink drain. Yes, I scooped the top part off and ate it. Shoot me.

• I went to the beach and swam and only stepped on one crab and he didn't pinch me.

• I learned that buying a fancy new vacuum cleaner will not make me vacuum more often. I must say that the new Dyson DC-25 looks way better in the corner of the dining room than the Dirt Devil did.

• Mr. Tivo failed me for the first time ever. He missed a channel change and neglected to tape Project Runway. We had words and a restart and the relationship is back on track. Thank goodness -- he's all I've got (read above re internet dating psychos).

• I have plans this weekend! Hair appointment with new hairdresser. Baby shower at Can Can. Sloth Loves Chunk within walking distance, although I shall drive to avoid a repeat of "the night which can't be remembered but ruined a pair of shoes." Legend on Sunday to catch another excellent band, Blue Line Highway. Not my usual fare, but I happen to know the guitar player and he is most excellent. Besides, he was DFF's prom date. Did I mention Richmond is a small, small, town?

• All vegetable plants are dead. No pattypan squash or eggplant fresh from the garden for me. For free anyway. And there was so much promise.....

• I didn't like Dark Knight. I thought it was booooorrrriiiinnnngggg, although amusing to count the number of people who didn't pace themselves with their jumbo drinks and had to run out to the bathroom midway through the movie. Yes, Heath was awesome, but one character does not a movie make. And don't get me started on the gratuitous violence against dogs. It was that crap movie Signs all over again. Hmmm. Those were both movies paid for by my employer as a "fun event." Starting to see a pattern.

• Speaking of work, my manager has just begun a two week vacation. As a green citizen, I feel it is incumbent upon me to limit my fuel consumption and work from home. Long lunch, anyone?
  

Tell all your single friends, paint it, read it, watch it, clean it, do it (whatever it is).



XO, JamieSmitten

When Basic Skills Atrophy

Is it just me or is everybody losing some of the abilities we formerly took for granted?

I have accepted the fact that no matter how many Thank You notes I write, my handwriting has gone to shit. I spend too much time tapping away at a keyboard and not enough time wielding the mighty pen. Since I'm conscious of the deterioration, I write more slowly if anyone other than me is expected to read it.

I no longer have phone numbers memorized. Before the memory function was a standard feature in phones, you had to actually REMEMBER the number or fumble through an address book. [Digression: My Grammy had one of those AWESOME telephone lists where you slid the pointer down to the appropriate letter and then pushed the button to magically reveal the right page. Looked like this:


I'm not sure if I loved this because it reminded me of the game Mystery Date (where you turned the door knob to reveal a boy!), but it was one of my favorite things to play with at Grammy's house.] With cell phones and memory dial, I can barely remember my VoIP number. That's got to be contributing to brain cell death.

Final and most damning evidence? On Sunday, I was UNABLE to transport ice cube trays to the freezer without sloshing half the contents on the floor. I remember using ice cube trays. In fact, I used them well after most of my friends had moved to automatic ice-makers. So, it has probably only been about six years since I last traversed the 2 feet between sink and freezer. I had even pre-opened the freezer door and cleared a shelf, but to no avail. So there I was with coffee splattered all over the floor, freezer door and front of the refrigerator. Because I only went to the dollar store to buy ice cube trays so I could make espresso cubes for my iced americanos.

Tell all your single friends, I used to have mad skillz.

XO, JamieSmitten

Not Really Any Different

My adorable four year old niece came to town a few weeks ago for lunch and a trip to the children's museum. Lunch went well -- as I had cleverly picked a place with PB&J on white bread (fancy!)and applesauce as a side dish -- but I was not prepared for the experience that is a children's museum.


[Note: I LOVED going to the Toronto Science Museum when I was a kid and have enjoyed the science museum in Richmond as well. How was I to know a children's museum would be so different?]


Well let me just tell you, children's museums are no different than the dog park. My evidence? Read on:

• Pack mentality rules. If one dog races over to the water bowl, 11 others follow. If one child picks up a bucket to collect plastic "apples" pneumatically shooting out of tubes, every other child will go to the same side of the four sided apple tree and fight over the one apple that came out on that side. And what kind of life skill is apple picking anyway? Seriously, that would not be a good career bet in Richmond.


• Fancy bows in the hair mean trouble. The sissy dogs with bows are always the ones that pick a fight and then run yelping back under their owner's feet when a dog even barks at them. Similarly, the little princesses with bows in their hair attempt to control all in their immediate domain. In the cafeteria section, one little despoTina commandeered every piece of fake cake and plastic sundae and screamed bloody murder when another child came near. Yes, I took a plastic sundae when she looked the other way. Sue me.


• Repetitive actions are more fun if you are under 7 years of age. Older dogs will chase the ball a few times, but it takes a young dog to retrieve for hours. This children's museum has a pretend grocery store and checkout line. I watched in ever growing horror as the children picked boxes off the shelf, stood in line, and watched passively as another child rang up their purchases. There wasn't even play money. It was like a Stepford mini-mart.


• Look where you walk. Pretty standard rule at the dog park considering the varied manner of canine output. But would you expect it at the children's museum? Stickers, discarded on the museum floor, are amazingly resilient and survive the car ride home and a walk to the ice cream store before affixing themselves to the oriental rug in the foyer. There's some sand issues too and some sort of kitty-litter-like substance that covers the dinosaur bones in the excavation pit.

So, like the dog park, I recommend short visits if it will make your little one happy.

Tell all your single friends, hold out for the science museum.

XO, JamieSmitten

Ester of Wood Rosin

You've got no idea where I could possibly be going, do you? Well let's just see...


So I'm hanging at the hospital with my peeps, Manda and Mr. A, and we're shooting the shit talking about all manner of things because Manda's got some time to kill while she marshals the forces and kicks the CRAP out of the bad blood. And I'm nothing if not good for some shit shooting.


So we've covered the decline of home improvement cable shows, we've discussed some books, we've determined that the male nurse does not look like Greg Kinnear's twin, I've explained how cycling accidents in Sweden can have massive repercussions, and of course, the topic turns to ester of wood rosin.


O.K., I can't remember exactly how it came up, but I managed to find a segue to one of my favorite bits of useless knowledge.


[Digression: I read labels. I think it has a lot to do with spending a lot of time in Canada and reading the french descriptions on everything. In fact, somebody whispering "de blé entier" in my ear would make me hot. I think. Seriously, somebody can try that.]


Anyhoo, one of my favourite Canadian treats was a pop (soda for you southerners) called Tahiti Treat. Yum -- no redeeming qualities whatsoever, but tasted like a fizzy Hawaiian Punch. And Hawaiian Punch was not something my mum served. Kool-Aid occasionally, but not Hawaiian Punch.


[Again with the digression: Before you go correcting me, it was Tahiti Treat in Canada and Tahitian Treat in the US.]


One of the ingredients in Tahiti (and Tahitian) Treat is Ester of Wood Rosin. I know! How cool is that? I've never bothered to look it up, but heck, it is certainly that Little Something Extra,
right?


Well, I vowed to finally look up the properties of that magical additive because if I'm going to throw it into the conversation, I better be able to elaborate. The short answer is

Glycerol esters of resin acids of wood rosins used as food additives in beverages and chewing gum are those prepared from wood rosin that is harvested from the stumps of the longleaf pine (Pinus palustris) and purified to a beverage-grade ester gum.

The long answer had to do with studies by the World Health Organization that involved "fecal excretions by rats of unlabelled glycerol ester of wood rosin." Better off not knowing, I say, but undoubtedly, it is probably a good thing that I don't drink the stuff any more.


I'm pretty sure I've seen it in other drinks though. I'm just saying.


Tell all your single friends, some people will drink anything.

XO, JamieSmitten

A Case of "that annoying song that loops endlessly on the slowest ride at Disney World"*

*I'd say the title, but then the damn song would be stuck in my head for days. You'll get it, if you haven't already.

It turns out that my manager's wife and I graduated from high school together. I vaguely remember her after looking at the senior yearbook. Lest you think I'm incredibly forgetful, there were over 500 graduates in that class -- and I definitely didn't know everyone. Also, lest you think I didn't own tweezers, Brooke Shields-style eyebrows were quite acceptable at that time.

But it is strange that we didn't figure this out before, as my manager and I spend about 50% of the work week together and have talked about teen years, etc. Even stranger -- we both attended the reunion held 3 years ago. We didn't work together then, but we were both there.

Which got me to thinking. How many places have I been at the same time as a future acquaintance? If I had zigged instead of zagged, would I have met that person then and not later? Was I standing behind my manager when we picked up nametags?

I know what you are thinking -- the whole "butterfly flaps its wings and causes a chain of events leading to a tsunami on the other side of the world" -- this isn't a new thought. But it does make me feel incredibly pressured to memorize faces when I'm out and about. So maybe when I do meet someone in the future, the déjà vu feeling will be quickly explained away.

Serendipity. Fate. Coincidence. I'll take them all.

Tell All Your Single Friends, it's a world of laughter - HA! Now you have to hum it too!



XO, JamieSmitten

Not Dead, Just in Hiding

Ahhhhhhhhh. Vacation. It comes so infrequently and feels so lovely.

I've been away from the corporate masters for 4 days now and it feels mighty fine. O.K., I had to work for an hour on Sunday, but that was just to save myself from a HUGE mountain of crap when I return to the office.

I had plenty of bloggerrific thoughts during my 13 hour drive to Vacation, but most have been lost for eternity -- floating in a hot tub will do that to you. Here is some of what seemed important while on the road:

• Dead or Alive was an AWESOME band. Somebody should enrich her cd collection with Youthquake posthaste.




• For a Halloween spent in the car, only hearing Monster Mash and Thriller once each on the radio is pretty darn good.




• The Sexual Excitement Assortment available from dispensing machines in restrooms gets cheaper the further south you drive. I'd be interested to hear if this is an east coast phenomenon....




• City style is not country style. Or perhaps, JamieSmitten style is not country style. Real conversational exchange: "Did you do that to your hair for Halloween?" "No. My hair is like this 365." "In that case, I like it." Sadly, he was the minority. How insular is a community if my two tone hair is the talk of the ENTIRE lunch crowd?




• Clouds are pretty. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Sadly, I didn't get any good Driving Cloud pictures. Hopefully, the return trip home will offer some opportunities.




• Cruise control is not the devil's plaything. Fine, you win, Technology. Yes, cruise control is helpful. Although it still feels like being on a trolley.




• Dogs only have health issues AFTER they visit the vet. Boom got a clean bill of health on Saturday before the trip and arrived at Vacation with a whopping aural hematoma. Local vets have been less than helpful, so Boom carries around a blood balloon ear until we get back home to Dr. Gray. He's a trooper and is enjoying his vacation despite. Thank goodness he only has 2 ears.




• The 2 things I knew I needed were the 2 things I forgot to pack. Back in Black by AC/DC has been with me on every road trip ever. First cassette, then cd. 120 cds with me and I forget the classic. sigh. My favorite Christmas present from last year was also supposed to be first in the car, but got left in the bedroom. I know what you are thinking and to punish you, the picture of said favorite Christmas present from last year has been hidden here.




• Gas prices are outrageous, yet all the cars who blocked my view of the road ahead and moved into my lane without indicating were by and large, gas guzzling SUVs. Seriously, people, get over your car status symbols.



• 95 through Jacksonville deserves some sort of medal for longest road improvement without improvement project.



• There is a state park for everyone:

I've been known to favor them. : )

• I should have been a long distance truck driver because 13 hours in the car is way better than how I usually spend my day. Must look into that.

There will be more vacation pictures in the near future. But for now, back to the hot tub.

Tell All Your Single Friends, JamieSmitten's in hot water -- and loving it!

XO, JamieSmitten