Jamie: Hey Universe? I'm just going to put it out there. If you won't give me a vermin-free house despite my best efforts to dispatch them quickly and painlessly, I'll just move to Paris and live a wonderful life not unlike the film Avenue Montaigne.
Universe: Hey Jamie? Uh no. Doesn't work that way. But I'll throw you a bone so you don't give up hope completely.
Jamie: Boom! Oh my God! The green light is flashing! WE FRIED MICKEY!
And there was rejoicing in Carytown.
Tell all your single friends, I emptied the trap all by myself.
XO, Jamiesmitten
Showing posts with label DeathDealer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DeathDealer. Show all posts
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Resignation + Plan
I give up. I am resigning myself to the fact that herbal mouse repellent and mouse zapping traps are no match for the vermin bastards who keep pooping on my kitchen counters.
And therefore, I am moving. To Paris. With Boom dressed as a small child with unusual ambulation. [Once we get through customs, we'll be fine. Les gens français aiment des chiens.] I'm going to get a job as a waitress in a fancy brasserie and one day shortly after I start working there, this man will show up, fall in love with me instantly, and promise that I will never, ever, ever, have to deal with rodents again.
Tell all your single friends, house for sale -- perfect for cat owners!
XO, JamieSmitten a.k.a. the future Mrs. Gerard Butler
And therefore, I am moving. To Paris. With Boom dressed as a small child with unusual ambulation. [Once we get through customs, we'll be fine. Les gens français aiment des chiens.] I'm going to get a job as a waitress in a fancy brasserie and one day shortly after I start working there, this man will show up, fall in love with me instantly, and promise that I will never, ever, ever, have to deal with rodents again.
Tell all your single friends, house for sale -- perfect for cat owners!
XO, JamieSmitten a.k.a. the future Mrs. Gerard Butler
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Humming Along
The refrigerator is back in its corner behaving properly via the customary receptacle. Thank goodness, as the scalding burn on my left hand (sustained while carrying my cup of tea -- not coffee because I like a latte in the morning and there was no milk for many untrustworthy fridge days -- in one hand and a bag of frozen vegetables -- Mexican style! -- for my sore knee in the other hand, and simultaneously ducking down under the extension cord coming over the fridge to the other wall and squeezing in between the fridge and the counter) has been a constant reminder of all not copacetic on the home front.
No new mouse poop, but Mr. Electrician revealed more leftovers when he moved the microwave (oops!). So despite my desire to wear a clothespin on my nose to avoid the spearmint smell, I threw the last organic-non-toxic-mouse-repellent sachet behind the stove. The trap seems to be a no go. Apparently, peanut butter is no longer the attraction it used to be. Or maybe they just don't like the organic kind.
On a different note -- because why should we all suffer through another vermin lament? -- I enjoyed a new playlist at work today. Enjoyed it enough that a co-worker felt compelled to demonstrate some of my better chair-dancing moves to a third party. I have inspired this kind of jealousy before. Believe me, I've got moves. This is the odd mix that got me going:
No new mouse poop, but Mr. Electrician revealed more leftovers when he moved the microwave (oops!). So despite my desire to wear a clothespin on my nose to avoid the spearmint smell, I threw the last organic-non-toxic-mouse-repellent sachet behind the stove. The trap seems to be a no go. Apparently, peanut butter is no longer the attraction it used to be. Or maybe they just don't like the organic kind.
On a different note -- because why should we all suffer through another vermin lament? -- I enjoyed a new playlist at work today. Enjoyed it enough that a co-worker felt compelled to demonstrate some of my better chair-dancing moves to a third party. I have inspired this kind of jealousy before. Believe me, I've got moves. This is the odd mix that got me going:
- Bring Your Love Down (Didn't I) by Yaz
- Situation by Yaz
- So Many Nights by Cat Empire
- Right Now by SR71
- Missundaztood by Pink
- Get the Party Started by Pink
- Someone to Love by Fountains of Wayne
- Boyz-N-The Hood by Dynamite Hack
- Take Off Your Clothes by Morningwood
- C'est pas la première fois by Caroline Néron
A refreshing change of pace from my recent Ramones immersion, I chose some Yaz because Alison Moyet has such a damn fine voice and because these songs remind me of dancing nonstop at university parties. "You play your games but the fact remains, I'm the only one that can hold your reins." Was there ever a more appealing lyric for a Scorpio?
I heard this Cat Empire song on KEXP Online and loved it instantly. I don't groove on Cat Power, but the whole empire, DEFINITELY! "So many nights I'm still thinking about you."
I think I heard this SR71 song on the "we play anything!" station and it stuck in my head. "So what if the sex was great, just a temporary escape." I think we can all relate to that. Don't leave me hanging.
Next came a pair of old Pink tunes because I'm not completely sold on her new song or that great color/horrid cut coat thingie she wore on the VMAs. When I had the cd (bootleg copy that cracked!), I really liked her duet with Steven Tyler, but for desk dancing, this is the go to pair. "Looking for the right track, always on the wrong track." Story of my life lyrics, yet again.
I saw Fountains of Wayne at the 2007 Virgin Festival and I was pleasantly surprised. Mind you, it was early on and seeing the Fratellis an hour later knocked them right out of my mind until I heard this song a week or so ago. "Don't give out, don't give up, one of these nights you might find someone to love." Bite me, I'm a closet optimist.
EXCELLENT segue, if I do say so myself, to Dynamite Hack's laid back version of the classic NWA/EazyE song. "Don't quote me, boy, I ain't said shit."
So now that the gloves are off, we might as well take off our clothes with Morningwood (top 10 best band name EVER!). I heard this first on KEXP and although it doesn't have the deepest lyrics, I couldn't resist the rawness. Besides, how many songs can you name that reference a happy trail? "When I see you baby, I wanna take off your clothes."
The last song was a total find as I stumbled through some lists of contemporary Canadian music. Haven't heard much French blues, but this song appeals. According to IMDB, she's also an actress. She's not ugly either. Bet she isn't spending the evening writing about vermin. Sigh. I'll skip the French, but the basic idea is that it isn't the first time she's been played by a guy like him. Hmph.
Tell all your single friends, two glasses of bistro red make a pretty awesome dinner.
XO, JamieSmitten
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Zero Steps Forward
The refrigerator is in the middle of the kitchen plugged in with an extension cord to an outlet that works.
Zeus crashed into my knee when he and Rocky came to visit Boom last night and I actually cried from the pain.
There was a mouse poop 3 inches from the zapping mouse trap this morning. There was no mouse in the trap. And my house still smells like a spearmint gum factory.
Tell all your single friends, I quit.
XO, JamieSmitten
Zeus crashed into my knee when he and Rocky came to visit Boom last night and I actually cried from the pain.
There was a mouse poop 3 inches from the zapping mouse trap this morning. There was no mouse in the trap. And my house still smells like a spearmint gum factory.
Tell all your single friends, I quit.
XO, JamieSmitten
Monday, November 06, 2006
GET OUT OR DIE TRYING
Monday mornings are bad enough without the crunch of tiny bones underfoot. And yes, you can quote me on that.
I brought this on myself. In a conversation with my neighbor on Saturday, I bragged about my lack of infestation. Every year when it gets cold, the little furry freeloaders try to find the best accommodations in the neighborhood. I keep the house cold and food free to deter them. It usually works. Until three weeks ago when I was standing in the kitchen and a brazen intruder ran from the dining room into the kitchen and behind the refrigerator. I was calm. I walked to the sink and threw up. Then I called Neighbor John. Neighbor John handles these things. I water his plants and feed his fish when he is on vacation and he deals with dead things. So far, this deal has worked mostly in his favor (see cold and barren plan above). Neighbor John delivered a sticky trap the next day and promised to come handle whatever got caught in the trap. Turns out NOTHING got caught in the trap. Turns outs a 105 lb dog walking on an oriental throw rug is just as effective. The sad part is that Boom was fussing with the rug when we got up at 6:30 and decided to go back to bed, so I think the actual murder occurred several hours before it was discovered. So we got back up at 8:30 and I went down to the basement to get my clean laundry. When I came back up, arms full of clothes, I walked towards the kitchen and crunch. Boom had decided to uncover the victim and leave him displayed. Whether or not my final blow was the cause of his intestines extruding from his nether regions, we'll never know. I was wearing shoes, thank goodness. Boom had one confirmed assist in rodent killing (scared a squirrel into traffic) and I think this makes two. So, Neighbor John was alerted and he came and did his Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction impersonation. RIP Mickey, RIP.
Tip of the Day: Don't google dead mouse images. I'm still dry heaving. Dead mice in every possible state of decay. Dead mice held by small children -- grinning small children. Armies of dead mice. Mice making it with dead mice. Oh, the horror.
Monday mornings are bad enough without the crunch of tiny bones underfoot. And yes, you can quote me on that.
I brought this on myself. In a conversation with my neighbor on Saturday, I bragged about my lack of infestation. Every year when it gets cold, the little furry freeloaders try to find the best accommodations in the neighborhood. I keep the house cold and food free to deter them. It usually works. Until three weeks ago when I was standing in the kitchen and a brazen intruder ran from the dining room into the kitchen and behind the refrigerator. I was calm. I walked to the sink and threw up. Then I called Neighbor John. Neighbor John handles these things. I water his plants and feed his fish when he is on vacation and he deals with dead things. So far, this deal has worked mostly in his favor (see cold and barren plan above). Neighbor John delivered a sticky trap the next day and promised to come handle whatever got caught in the trap. Turns out NOTHING got caught in the trap. Turns outs a 105 lb dog walking on an oriental throw rug is just as effective. The sad part is that Boom was fussing with the rug when we got up at 6:30 and decided to go back to bed, so I think the actual murder occurred several hours before it was discovered. So we got back up at 8:30 and I went down to the basement to get my clean laundry. When I came back up, arms full of clothes, I walked towards the kitchen and crunch. Boom had decided to uncover the victim and leave him displayed. Whether or not my final blow was the cause of his intestines extruding from his nether regions, we'll never know. I was wearing shoes, thank goodness. Boom had one confirmed assist in rodent killing (scared a squirrel into traffic) and I think this makes two. So, Neighbor John was alerted and he came and did his Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction impersonation. RIP Mickey, RIP.
Tip of the Day: Don't google dead mouse images. I'm still dry heaving. Dead mice in every possible state of decay. Dead mice held by small children -- grinning small children. Armies of dead mice. Mice making it with dead mice. Oh, the horror.
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