Well, I'm going to try to anyway.
GOOD THINGS:
I voted! So for at least a few more hours, I can think that my candidate wins!
Being forced to wait until November to get the 2nd set of tires installed meant that I saved $70 for buying Michelins!
It finally stopped raining!!
I have a brand new floor and painted walls in my storage closet!! My Man is the best.
So we absolutely, positively won't think about.....
the fact that the mouse in the bathtub on Saturday morning probably has an entire posse looking for him
or
the fact that my hair, despite REPEATED washings, is still Elvira black AND little pieces are definitely sticking up in the back
or
the sad outcome of last night's baseball game (see above, re My Man is the best)
or
the continued ill effects of last night's "fancy mac and cheese" (I blame the scallops)
Because we are all about POSITIVITY.
Tell all your single friends, we'll see if this power of positive thinking really works.
XO, JamieSmitten
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Sunday, November 01, 2009
You Know What I Hate?
Does this ever happen to you?
You are sitting there minding your own business and someone you know (and this is where you find out they really aren't good friend material) says, "what's wrong with you?" "Usually you are cracking me up and making me die laughing. I don't like having to be the entertaining one."
You know what, people? I am NOT the paid entertainment. Yes, I am usually upbeat and making jokes but it is not my job. And you telling me that I'm not being entertaining enough for you? That just makes me want to get up and leave and not come back.
Except while you were complaining that I wasn't entertaining you as much as usual, you also fucked up my hair color and cut. So now I have to go back. When YOU get back from vacation which you reminded me of so that I could tip you generously (your words).
Yep. I'm going to be a freaking barrel of laughs when I sit in your chair.
Tell ALL your friends, don't expect me to entertain you unless you are throwing $20 bills at me.
XO, JamieSmitten
You are sitting there minding your own business and someone you know (and this is where you find out they really aren't good friend material) says, "what's wrong with you?" "Usually you are cracking me up and making me die laughing. I don't like having to be the entertaining one."
You know what, people? I am NOT the paid entertainment. Yes, I am usually upbeat and making jokes but it is not my job. And you telling me that I'm not being entertaining enough for you? That just makes me want to get up and leave and not come back.
Except while you were complaining that I wasn't entertaining you as much as usual, you also fucked up my hair color and cut. So now I have to go back. When YOU get back from vacation which you reminded me of so that I could tip you generously (your words).
Yep. I'm going to be a freaking barrel of laughs when I sit in your chair.
Tell ALL your friends, don't expect me to entertain you unless you are throwing $20 bills at me.
XO, JamieSmitten
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Things I Adore, Things I Abhor
Apparently, some people think I'm slacking on my blogging. In particular, they lament the loss of my "Was it a good week?" rating system. So, for the fans....
5 Things I Adore:
5 Things I Abhor:
Tell all your single friends, keeping it real, despite it all, because that's how we do.
XO, JamieSmitten
5 Things I Adore:
- 66 degree weather in late October. Perfect fall colors and no worries that I don't actually have a winter wardrobe. Yet.
- Tzatziki. I'm mainlining a vat of it with some Costco falafel balls. Saucy balls, try it!
- Brand new windshield wiper blades. Oh the clear vision! I feel faint!
- This week's Sons of Anarchy ending to Delta Spirit's "People, Turn Around." Love, love, love them (Samcro AND Delta Spirit).
- My kick-ass seasonal planter!
5 Things I Abhor:
- Cancer. You've made my list before, Bastard, and I'm over you. So step away from my two friends immediately.
- Tires. Motherf-ing tires. I followed all the steps on Costco.com right down to engine size and body style, ordered 4 new tires and promptly got a flat tire. THEN, if that wasn't enough, when I went to get the tires installed 3 days later -- THEY WERE THE WRONG SIZE. So now I drive around for 5 more days on a mini tire (because they took the flat off the rim and I can't even get it patched ARGH). And the new ones cost $200 more. I hate tires.
- Dogs who think they are too delicate to go out and pee in the rain. Pullo -- you aren't delicate and you are officially ON NOTICE.
- Waking up any time before 10 a.m. Really, world, who decided that 8:30 a.m. meetings on Friday were allowed? You are lucky I'm there, don't expect pleasant!
- Mice. Motherf-ing mice. They are back, apparently attracted by the misdirected dog food pellets that someone didn't get into the dog bowl. Mice are NOT in every home and they WILL be terminated. With electricity. As soon as I get my fancy mouse trap back.
Tell all your single friends, keeping it real, despite it all, because that's how we do.
XO, JamieSmitten
No, I Don't Think It Is Ash Wednesday
(or How I Got the Forehead Contusion)
The plan was to leave for New York at 10 a.m. "If you want to see Coney Island, we need to beat the traffic."
"O.K. Then I need to get up at 6:30 to get stuff done."
"That is way too early. You can get up at 7:30 and it will be fine."
I got up at 7:30 and we departed the house at 10:20. With one stop to make at the post office. I hopped out of the car and left the car running because someone was cold and needed the heat on while he listened to the radio and read his book. Someone turned off the car, but left the heat and radio on -- and unbeknownst to someone -- the lights were also on.
"Who the hell drives with the lights on during the day?"
"I do."
"Well that's stupid."
"So's your face." [This is a standard rejoinder in the household indicating a lack of agreement and a request to move on to the next potential topic for disagreement.]
So after standing in a line to mail a package (hope you like it!) I came outside and happily tried to start my car to head off on vacation. Car doesn't start.
More leaving the lights on is stupid, more well if you don't know how to pop a clutch without me explaining it then I can't explain it, and finally the bright idea to get a jump start. The startled woman next to us agrees to move her minivan around and provide the juice.
I hop out of the car to pop the hood. Done, I return to the driver seat and await cable connection. Then I remember that the last time someone ran down my battery, he had a hard time locating the battery as it was under an relatively unmarked cover. So I hop back out of the car -- and yes, I was fully impatient, annoyed, and foul-tempered -- and leaned over to pull the cover off and conked my forehead HARD on the raised hood.
I staggered back to the car mumbling, "fuck it. Someone can find it himself." He did and we were on our way -- finally, at 10:48.
So I drive for a 1/2 hour. Then I turn around and go back to the house to get someone's ID. I ask for aspirin from the kitchen because I have a headache. Not enough coffee, I assume, vowing to get a large cup at the first stop.
First stop is 3 hours later. Aspirin has not touched the headache which has become a dull throb. Amazingly, I still think it is caffeine withdrawal. We enter the rest stop, I use the facilities, and inspect my eye makeup while I wash my hands. We get in line, buy burgers (Roy Rogers still has Double R Bar burgers! Who knew? They aren't as good as I remember, but then, life is like that.) We get up and I go to Starbucks to get my coffee. Line is too long, so I make the ultimate sacrifice and order a coffee from the urn at Cinnabon. While I wait for my coffee to be poured (a 3 minute span of time, oddly), I turn to someone and say, "Do I have something on my forehead. It kind of hurts here." I point to just right of center on my forehead.
My eyes get bigger. Someone's eyes get bigger. And I feel a knot the size of a walnut on my forehead.
"How the hell didn't you see this in the past 3 hours?"
"I wasn't looking right at you."
"I'm pretty sure a bump this big has a profile."
"Holy shit it is getting bigger. Stop making me laugh."
By the time we get to the car we are laughing hysterically -- someone from the speed at which the knot is growing and me from the leaking brain fluid from the skull I now realized is cracked -- the walnut is bigger. I'm advised to put ice on it.
"How would you like me to do that and drive?"
"I'm not sure, baby. Want me to drive?"
"No. I already have a headache. Give me one of the ice cubes from your drink."
I then proceed to give myself an ice cream headache on TOP of the cracked cranium headache for the next 20 minutes. I become adept at ice cube balancing and refuse the offer of a ski cap to hold the cube in place.
"Bad enough I'm going to meet your friends with a third eye, let's not add hat hair."
Someone (after another bout of hysterical laughing), "it hardly shows, baby. You are beautiful."
We did not beat rush hour. My knot did show, but didn't start to turn purple until we got home, 3 days later.
And no, co-workers, I don't think it is Ash Wednesday and that isn't a smudge on my forehead. It's a souvenir.
Tell all your single friends, the best pizza EVER had eggplant parmesan slices on it and was at Danny's in East Islip, NY.
XO, JamieSmitten
The plan was to leave for New York at 10 a.m. "If you want to see Coney Island, we need to beat the traffic."
"O.K. Then I need to get up at 6:30 to get stuff done."
"That is way too early. You can get up at 7:30 and it will be fine."
I got up at 7:30 and we departed the house at 10:20. With one stop to make at the post office. I hopped out of the car and left the car running because someone was cold and needed the heat on while he listened to the radio and read his book. Someone turned off the car, but left the heat and radio on -- and unbeknownst to someone -- the lights were also on.
"Who the hell drives with the lights on during the day?"
"I do."
"Well that's stupid."
"So's your face." [This is a standard rejoinder in the household indicating a lack of agreement and a request to move on to the next potential topic for disagreement.]
So after standing in a line to mail a package (hope you like it!) I came outside and happily tried to start my car to head off on vacation. Car doesn't start.
More leaving the lights on is stupid, more well if you don't know how to pop a clutch without me explaining it then I can't explain it, and finally the bright idea to get a jump start. The startled woman next to us agrees to move her minivan around and provide the juice.
I hop out of the car to pop the hood. Done, I return to the driver seat and await cable connection. Then I remember that the last time someone ran down my battery, he had a hard time locating the battery as it was under an relatively unmarked cover. So I hop back out of the car -- and yes, I was fully impatient, annoyed, and foul-tempered -- and leaned over to pull the cover off and conked my forehead HARD on the raised hood.
I staggered back to the car mumbling, "fuck it. Someone can find it himself." He did and we were on our way -- finally, at 10:48.
So I drive for a 1/2 hour. Then I turn around and go back to the house to get someone's ID. I ask for aspirin from the kitchen because I have a headache. Not enough coffee, I assume, vowing to get a large cup at the first stop.
First stop is 3 hours later. Aspirin has not touched the headache which has become a dull throb. Amazingly, I still think it is caffeine withdrawal. We enter the rest stop, I use the facilities, and inspect my eye makeup while I wash my hands. We get in line, buy burgers (Roy Rogers still has Double R Bar burgers! Who knew? They aren't as good as I remember, but then, life is like that.) We get up and I go to Starbucks to get my coffee. Line is too long, so I make the ultimate sacrifice and order a coffee from the urn at Cinnabon. While I wait for my coffee to be poured (a 3 minute span of time, oddly), I turn to someone and say, "Do I have something on my forehead. It kind of hurts here." I point to just right of center on my forehead.
My eyes get bigger. Someone's eyes get bigger. And I feel a knot the size of a walnut on my forehead.
"How the hell didn't you see this in the past 3 hours?"
"I wasn't looking right at you."
"I'm pretty sure a bump this big has a profile."
"Holy shit it is getting bigger. Stop making me laugh."
By the time we get to the car we are laughing hysterically -- someone from the speed at which the knot is growing and me from the leaking brain fluid from the skull I now realized is cracked -- the walnut is bigger. I'm advised to put ice on it.
"How would you like me to do that and drive?"
"I'm not sure, baby. Want me to drive?"
"No. I already have a headache. Give me one of the ice cubes from your drink."
I then proceed to give myself an ice cream headache on TOP of the cracked cranium headache for the next 20 minutes. I become adept at ice cube balancing and refuse the offer of a ski cap to hold the cube in place.
"Bad enough I'm going to meet your friends with a third eye, let's not add hat hair."
Someone (after another bout of hysterical laughing), "it hardly shows, baby. You are beautiful."
We did not beat rush hour. My knot did show, but didn't start to turn purple until we got home, 3 days later.
And no, co-workers, I don't think it is Ash Wednesday and that isn't a smudge on my forehead. It's a souvenir.
Tell all your single friends, the best pizza EVER had eggplant parmesan slices on it and was at Danny's in East Islip, NY.
XO, JamieSmitten
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Coney Island! Best Pizza Ever! Forehead Contusion!
More on that later! Enjoy the pix for now:
Shut down for the season, eh? Well I'll be back!
Notice he didn't mention October.
Yes, I ate a Nathan's hot dog and it was GOOD! Tasted great on top of that bistec a la parilla. And Jamaican meat patty. And Roy Rogers Double R Bar Burger. [Note: All consumed AFTER forehead contusion received. Hmmmmmm]
Need more clothes. COLD!
Anyone have a clue as to what Mozzarepa could be? Me neither -- until I googled it.
Sadly, the live human targets were gone for the season.
Tell all your single friends, New York is the most fun (if you can afford the tolls to get there),
XO, JamieSmitten
Shut down for the season, eh? Well I'll be back!
Notice he didn't mention October.
Yes, I ate a Nathan's hot dog and it was GOOD! Tasted great on top of that bistec a la parilla. And Jamaican meat patty. And Roy Rogers Double R Bar Burger. [Note: All consumed AFTER forehead contusion received. Hmmmmmm]
Need more clothes. COLD!
Anyone have a clue as to what Mozzarepa could be? Me neither -- until I googled it.
Sadly, the live human targets were gone for the season.Tell all your single friends, New York is the most fun (if you can afford the tolls to get there),
XO, JamieSmitten
Friday, September 25, 2009
More Real Text Messages From My Phone
Mackeral
Haha me 2
Yes we r some lucky kids
I didn't actually watch it, just marvelled at its existence
U r sitting next to small skull!
Quick! Somebody count the clowns!
Do I put water AND ice or just ice in purple thing?
Cant. Stop. Itching.
Tell All Your Single Friends, context is everything.
XO, JamieSmitten
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Has It Really Been Almost a Month?
Since I blogged? Such a slacker. But it isn't like I've been sitting around. In fact, I have hardly been home for a weekend between the last post and now.
First came the trip to Smith Mountain Lake. Huge. No signs indicating which way to the specific dock where your family and dogs are waiting with the beer. So my advice is to just keep tucking that pontoon boat into each cove and hope for the best.... Watch out for the clowns.
Then, it was off to Ontario for a family wedding. Thankfully, the passport arrived and the flight was not canceled/delayed/overly turbulent. Of course, I DID get pulled for "special screening" at security. I knew having all of my liquids in the correct size bottles in a quart size bag ready for display was not enough juju to ward off the universe's need to have me groped impersonally by a stranger in the name of national security. This time, I was given the option of the grope or the full body scan. I think I shocked the guard when I opted for the scan. The scan was implemented at the Richmond airport right after my last hellish flight in November and caused a bit of an uproar. Namely because the scan shows it all. Right under your clothes. Just like those glasses they used to advertise in the back of comic books -- only it really works. The lucky man who got to see beneath my travel ensemble to the real me was hidden away in a room, but I'm sure he enjoyed it. The wedding was lovely if a bit emotional (for me, anyway). I did NOT ride with the piper, nor did I show mum how to focus my camera apparently. The weather was unseasonably cool, but I still went swimming in the lake because I'm no quitter. I finished my book 10 minutes before I landed back in Richmond, so good timing all around.
For the Labor Day weekend, we finally used the tent we bought early in the summer and went camping on the James river down in southeast Virginia. The tent turned out to be the bargain of the century. We thought it looked like a lot of tent for the money, but had no idea that our voices would echo inside. Sadly, I never even took a picture of it set up. But it would have been hard without a panoramic camera anyway. Eating, drinking, laughing, fishing, frying, kayaking -- with Boom!, swimming, marshmallow roasting, staring into the bonfire. We were even treated to a bonus fireworks display across the river. Lovely, perfect weekend. Especially the Nathan's hotdog grilled on the fire with approximately 1/3 of a bottle of relish. YUM. Makes me wish summer was just starting, instead of ending. I guess I should focus on getting as much kayak time in as I can before it gets cold. Because I'm that sporty.
Tell all your single friends, time flies when you don't stay home.*
XO, JamieSmitten
*It freaking CRAWLS when you are waiting for the love of your life to come home. BOO!
First came the trip to Smith Mountain Lake. Huge. No signs indicating which way to the specific dock where your family and dogs are waiting with the beer. So my advice is to just keep tucking that pontoon boat into each cove and hope for the best.... Watch out for the clowns.
Then, it was off to Ontario for a family wedding. Thankfully, the passport arrived and the flight was not canceled/delayed/overly turbulent. Of course, I DID get pulled for "special screening" at security. I knew having all of my liquids in the correct size bottles in a quart size bag ready for display was not enough juju to ward off the universe's need to have me groped impersonally by a stranger in the name of national security. This time, I was given the option of the grope or the full body scan. I think I shocked the guard when I opted for the scan. The scan was implemented at the Richmond airport right after my last hellish flight in November and caused a bit of an uproar. Namely because the scan shows it all. Right under your clothes. Just like those glasses they used to advertise in the back of comic books -- only it really works. The lucky man who got to see beneath my travel ensemble to the real me was hidden away in a room, but I'm sure he enjoyed it. The wedding was lovely if a bit emotional (for me, anyway). I did NOT ride with the piper, nor did I show mum how to focus my camera apparently. The weather was unseasonably cool, but I still went swimming in the lake because I'm no quitter. I finished my book 10 minutes before I landed back in Richmond, so good timing all around.
For the Labor Day weekend, we finally used the tent we bought early in the summer and went camping on the James river down in southeast Virginia. The tent turned out to be the bargain of the century. We thought it looked like a lot of tent for the money, but had no idea that our voices would echo inside. Sadly, I never even took a picture of it set up. But it would have been hard without a panoramic camera anyway. Eating, drinking, laughing, fishing, frying, kayaking -- with Boom!, swimming, marshmallow roasting, staring into the bonfire. We were even treated to a bonus fireworks display across the river. Lovely, perfect weekend. Especially the Nathan's hotdog grilled on the fire with approximately 1/3 of a bottle of relish. YUM. Makes me wish summer was just starting, instead of ending. I guess I should focus on getting as much kayak time in as I can before it gets cold. Because I'm that sporty.
Tell all your single friends, time flies when you don't stay home.*
XO, JamieSmitten
*It freaking CRAWLS when you are waiting for the love of your life to come home. BOO!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Mockery @ Work = $$
Yep. For the sum of $40 in Target gift cards, my picture was circulated throughout the entire department. It is an "honor."
Tell all your single friends, it might be time to go blonde again.
XO, JamieSmitten
p.s. Thank goodness the queen of photoshop is my friend, right??
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