Sunday, April 19, 2009

Weekend Meditations

  • Too many margaritas affect my balance negatively
  • I look pretty hot with a purple eye
  • My knee, although bruised in all new ways, is freaking tough
  • Letting your friends pick their ringtones is a great idea
  • Picking your own ringtones while intoxicated is a bad idea
  • Shots are expensive
  • Missing bras are often found under seat cushions at the least opportune time

Tell all your single friends, older, certainly no wiser.

XO, JamieSmitten

Friday, April 10, 2009

How Conveeeeeeeeenient!

I just realized that I can hold my ice cold screwdriver against my sore knee and then I don't have to go get an ice pack!

Yes, the knee is jacked up again. Combo of KYA Boot Camp and kneeling, if you get my drift.

The screwdriver is tasty and I highly recommend the Richmond-produced Cirrus Vodka.

There -- two tips! And one salacious tidbit.

Tell all your single friends, whatever it takes.......

XO, JamieSmitten

Monday, April 06, 2009

Life Is Not Fair

Some king cab truck that is literally TWICE the length of my economical Mazda has been parked at the median ALL NIGHT.

No uniformed cop and inspector gadget asshat policeman are standing there handing out tickets. Or towing.

I'm being targeted, I tell you.

The universe is exacting payment for finally providing a steady flow of sex.

Tell all your single friends, $40 is a bargain for what I've been getting.

XO, JamieSmitten

Friday, April 03, 2009

I'm a Hot Dumb Ass!

I have lived in the city of Richmond for fourteen years and I have never had a parking ticket. I've had a parking ticket in DC, but never in Richmond. Until last night.

I came home from work and took Boom for a walk as usual. I had several errands to run, so I went back out. Dog treats, leg wax strips, eye drops, banana bread ingredients, and a pedicure. So when I got home at 7:45 in flip-flops with tons of bags and couldn't find a parking spot on the street in the immediate 2 blocks, I pulled up to the median to unload.

Note -- everybody in the neighborhood has done this once or twice to unload a car. We live in a small shopping district with a theater and restaurants, so evening parking can be difficult. In fact, during last weekend's French Film Festival, there were TWO cars parked where I parked for the entire day. No tickets.

I had every intention of moving my car onto the street as soon as a spot opened. But then I made some dinner (stir fried rice, and arugula/spinach mix with sprouts and lemon gorgonzola dressing, thanks for asking) and started watching ER. I mean this is the end of 15 years of ER, it is understandable that I was distracted from watching the road.

Then Neighbor John calls around 11 and says, "Is that your car parked at the median?" To which I replied, "Oh crap! I totally forgot to move it!" His response was, "Well you might want to get out there because there are 2 cop cars by it." So I go running outside in my pedicure flipflops (O.P.I. Blue My Mind, thanks for noticing), saying apologetically, "OHMYGOSH I TOTALLY fell asleep on the couch! I'm so sorry, I had a ton of bags to carry in, I'll move it right now."

Response of the uniformed officer? "I've got something for you," and hands me a ticket. They both walk away and the plainclothed officer (a dead ringer for Inspector Gadget in his tightly belted trencoat) offers over his shoulder, "You're lucky that I can still cancel the tow."

So I got in my car and turned the radio up to cover the expletives I was bestowing upon these two inflexible asshats and moved my car.

I get to pay a $40 ticket for being a forgetful dumb ass.

Today, I was walking through the grocery store getting the baking ingredients I forgot the previous night and as I rounded the corner, passed a man with a small kid in the cart. He literally did a double take. It was text book. He could give lessons in double take. So I looked at him a second longer than I would ordinarily have to see if he looked familiar. He didn't.

He started to look familiar because I passed him three more times while collecting the 7 items I was purchasing (13 if you count the apples individually, thanks for clarifying). When I was paying, he walked slowly by with his groceries, eyeing me the whole time. He wasn't overly creepy looking, but the eye contact was getting to be a bit much. After paying, I headed for the other exit just to be on the safe side.

Nope, he was lingering, so as I finally made it to my car, he rolls by slowly with the window down and hisses, "Niiiiiiccccccceeeeee."

So there you have it. I'm not reliably bright, but I am noticeably hot. At least to supermarket stalkers.

Tell all your single friends, parking tickets suck. Even for hot people.

XO, JamieSmitten