Monday, November 20, 2006

It Wasn't the Plague

...but it sure felt like it!

If you are about to turn 40, I highly recommend getting sick at the same time. No time to ponder what you didn't accomplish up until this particular point in life when your sole focus is finding more kleenex in the cupboard so your poor, red nose won't be further traumatized by paper towel. So, I didn't get to drink a toast, but I did get to watch all the stuff on my TIVO. Fortunately, the birthday party isn't until 12/2, so I have time to fully recuperate.

So while I was lying moribund on the couch with my faithful Boom in attendance, I remembered a Kids in the Hall skit that always made me laugh. I don't know why I chose this weekend to remember it, but so it goes. And since the internet contains all information, I was able to find a transcript and post it
here for your amusement. I think it is just as funny to read, but maybe that is because I can still picture Mark McKinney orating. Season 1 Kids in the Hall, in case you feel the need to Netflix.

p.s. to faithful readers: No, I didn't get the flu shot because I was already sick by the time the shots were offered. Don't tell me about coincidence, I know a warning when I see one!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Happy Birthday to Me!


Cracker always says it best:


I'm feeling thankful

for the small things, today

I'm feeling thankful

for the small things, today


Happy, Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me

and to you


39 and Counting



Tomorrow is the big day. The first day of the second half of my life. Kind of like the first 40 years were practice -- but for what? That is always the question for me. I'm feeling pretty good about it. I bought an elliptical to make sure I have another 40 years and am healthy enough to enjoy them. It makes exercise fairly enjoyable, although my body has tried to reject it. (I would blog all about it, but having already used the word vomit in a previous post, I decided to spare everyone the details. However, I do recommend that you eat your breakfast cereal after you exercise, not before.) I am going to get serious about finding employment that I enjoy. I am going to say yes more than I say no. I'm going to stop feeling guilty for having 30 magazines half-read on my coffee table, although I am going to try to finish them in a timely fashion.

So in a completely non-morbid manner (see above plan for next 40 years of healthy living, happy working, and reading) for those of you left standing when my final day comes, here is my request: cremate me and toss me into Twelve Mile half-way between the dock and the narrows. Hopefully, a fish will choke on me. Please send Caesar and any other canine companions in similar state with me -- just in case we get to choose companions in the next life. Give away my books and sell what you can. Spend anything left over on yourselves and know that I wish it was more.

And just to remind everyone what I looked like before I got old and gray, a picture of me and the Boom -- in the first act of my life.





Monday, November 13, 2006

I really WAS paying attention!


You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Disappointment and a Plan for Action

I should be happy with the results of the election. Barring a recount overseen by officials from Florida, my candidate wins. Some politicians with no redeeming qualities are leaving (you know who you are, Rumsfeld). But I'm still shocked and appalled that Ballot Question #1 was approved by 57% of Virginia voters.

Who ARE these voters that think marriage is such an unassailable institution that anybody who doesn't meet the requirements should get screwed in the rights department? I certainly don't know them personally. My precinct voted 81.4% against the amendment. So I did a little research and I have a plan.

The majority of counties which overwhelmingly favored this amendment are located in the southwestern part of the state and I feel like naming names:

Percentage in favor of denying rights to others:

Buchanan County 89%
Lee County 87%
Scott County 87%
Dickenson County 85%
Russell County 85%
Tazewell County 85%
Wise County 84%
Smyth County 82%
Bland County 80%

So here is my plan: we offer these counties for sale to Kentucky or West Virginia. Revenue from the sale can go to the state budget and more importantly, Virginia can become the state that I'm proud to call home. In the meantime, don't expect any tourist dollars from me. Buchanan County -- you are particularly dead to me.

Final Note to all Voters (until next November): There may never be a candidate that you love and support wholeheartedly. Declaring that you aren't voting because it would be deciding between the lesser of two evils is a cop out. LEARN what the party platforms are. Vote YOUR conscience, not what your spouse or co-workers or poll place lobbyists tell you to do. You'll be glad you did. Plus, you earn the right to rant on your blog.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Election Day! Vote you lazy bastards!


I was voter 316 at my polling place, about 250 later than last year's election day at the same time. You absolutely can't beat the drama at a polling place. Will that child ever stop screaming? Will I boil to death because the heat is turned up high but taking off my coat seems silly when the line should be moving quickly? What will happen if that woman refuses to move behind the green tape line on the floor and wait her turn? Will the young professional miss his meeting (we ALL know about the meeting, as he has been muttering about it for 10 minutes)? And the biggie:

Will Virginians be smart enough to REJECT ballot question 1?

In unrelated news, I received this email from pseudo manager who dislikes my tone (see previous post "Don't use that tone with me, Missy!"):

"S and I are in agreement that you've done a kick-a** job since you've come here and can really be a key resource for the department in 2007. We briefly touched on your opportunity areas, but agree that it has not been an issue here in the (Acronym) Department (just something to watch for). You've done a great job during your time here so far."

Are you F-ing kidding me? Seriously? You ripped me a new one on Friday and after some reflection and a talk with my real manager, you "agree" that my communication style has not been an issue here? You are SO not on my Christmas card list. Ever.

Note to Self: Fabricate super resume ASAP and GET OUT!

Monday, November 06, 2006

GET OUT OR DIE TRYING



Monday mornings are bad enough without the crunch of tiny bones underfoot. And yes, you can quote me on that.

I brought this on myself. In a conversation with my neighbor on Saturday, I bragged about my lack of infestation. Every year when it gets cold, the little furry freeloaders try to find the best accommodations in the neighborhood. I keep the house cold and food free to deter them. It usually works. Until three weeks ago when I was standing in the kitchen and a brazen intruder ran from the dining room into the kitchen and behind the refrigerator. I was calm. I walked to the sink and threw up. Then I called Neighbor John. Neighbor John handles these things. I water his plants and feed his fish when he is on vacation and he deals with dead things. So far, this deal has worked mostly in his favor (see cold and barren plan above). Neighbor John delivered a sticky trap the next day and promised to come handle whatever got caught in the trap. Turns out NOTHING got caught in the trap. Turns outs a 105 lb dog walking on an oriental throw rug is just as effective. The sad part is that Boom was fussing with the rug when we got up at 6:30 and decided to go back to bed, so I think the actual murder occurred several hours before it was discovered. So we got back up at 8:30 and I went down to the basement to get my clean laundry. When I came back up, arms full of clothes, I walked towards the kitchen and crunch. Boom had decided to uncover the victim and leave him displayed. Whether or not my final blow was the cause of his intestines extruding from his nether regions, we'll never know. I was wearing shoes, thank goodness. Boom had one confirmed assist in rodent killing (scared a squirrel into traffic) and I think this makes two. So, Neighbor John was alerted and he came and did his Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction impersonation. RIP Mickey, RIP.



Tip of the Day: Don't google dead mouse images. I'm still dry heaving. Dead mice in every possible state of decay. Dead mice held by small children -- grinning small children. Armies of dead mice. Mice making it with dead mice. Oh, the horror.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Don't use that tone with me, Missy!


There is no such thing as a clean start. Take it from me. When you are an anonymous cog in the corporate world, the only place you'll be worn is down. On Friday, a manager who professes to have my developmental needs uppermost in her mind -- and we aren't talking buff biceps here -- told me I would have to take more time to "consider my tone." Apparently I am surrounded by people with "gentle" voices and I stand out like the voice of truth in a silent monastery. Wait, did that sound snippy? Wait, do I care? I will not deny my ability to eviscerate with words. But after realizing that many who are higher in the corporate hierarchy suffer from feelings of inadequacy and that my verbal virtuosity causes panic and lower yearly bonuses for me, I keep it in check in the workplace. It isn't easy, believe me. On Thursday, I was subjected to an impassioned plea to vote for a co-worker in the state election on Election Day. Key point being that said co-worker is not running for office. Incredibly, the stated goal was, "when they count 50 votes for Joe, the candidates will now that we don't support either of them." Oh yeah, George Allen will be up all night wondering what he did to lose those 50 votes. In a crucial mid-year election, stop messing around. If Allen wins and Ballot Question 1 passes, I will hold this mouth-breather personally responsible. But I digress. The point is that despite the waves of stupidity washing over me, I stay pleasant and avoid sarcasm. Fortunately, this manager has discovered it isn't sarcasm, but my TONE that is the issue. I'll work on that. Really.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Cold and Flu Season!


I am going to get a flu shot this year. Because it is free. Not because I believe. I always avoided it in the past with the rationalization that others need the vaccine more. I am surrounded by germ-y coworkers, but I like to believe that my fabric covered cube walls protect me from the majority of bacterial transmission. That and my fierce demeanor.

However, in tribute to the season upon us, enjoy this informational and well-drawn blog:

http://www.adoptamicrobe.blogspot.com

Embrace the Microbes -- because they are cute!!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Updates


The Karaoke issue is dead. I put on my best Don't Tread on Me expression and handled it. Yep, the therapy must be working. Either that or Lisa has finally managed to influence me!

I was Runner-Up in the 99 Words of Horror Flash Fiction Contest. Had I known I would come that close, I would have devoted more than a 1/2 hour of work time to the effort. That's my story -- if only I had been trying, I would have ruled the world!

The beer and potato chips offset the sugar high from the bottle caps and gummy hamburgers, so I am suffering no ill effects from Halloween. Boom refused to wear his cat ears costume, but once I get the pictures downloaded, you will see how darn adorable he looked.

Jodi is coming for a visit this weekend so the living room shelf will be up soon! With the now functional shades, the living room is ready for the big party next month. 40 acceptances and 48 more people to hear from. If 115 is rocking, we probably won't hear your knocking.

Final Halloween Chore: Vote for the next Dum Dum lollipop flavor online. (Deny their appeal all you want, the lowly Dum Dum is always the last candy standing and looks pretty darn good when you are trying to keep your Halloween high going.)

http://www.dumdumpops.com

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

feedme.AVI

Lotto! The most handsome horse in Texas. Soundtrack provided by Zamboni, Pooh, and Etoufee Sturgis.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Happy Fall Back Day!!!!!

This is my favorite day -- an extra hour of SLEEP. I know that I am just getting back what I lost in the spring, but that was so long ago that I like to think this is extra. A special sleep hour just for me. I hope YOUR extra hour was as enjoyable as mine.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Friday, Bloody Friday


3 RUFK Me on the way to work today. Bad, Bad Jamie.

Then I went to see the VCU Dance Faculty performance. I got most of it. I don't know why I feel I have to get it, but I do. Enough with the staring at the ceiling already.

I returned home to the alarming message that a karaoke machine had been procured for my upcoming birthday party. Oh no. No, No, No. 2 kegs and 2 bands is enough excitement for one shindig. Sadly, it is too late to lay the smack down tonight. Now I can build a good head of indignant steam before the conversation tomorrow. Here is how it will hopefully go:

"Hey, got your message," I'll say firmly.

"Isn't it great? I think it will be a blast!" she'll say giddily.

"Actually, I was calling to tell you that I don't want Karaoke at the party. Please call your friend/that heinous cow (optional word choice) and tell her that I declined her offer," I'll say airily.

"Come on! It will be so much fun," she'll say disappointedly.

"Either the karaoke machine goes or I do," I'll say determinedly.

"O.K. I'm clearly no match for your newly therapized (word creation) backbone. I really admire you for taking a stand," she'll say supportively.

I'll let you know how it goes......

While I'm getting all quotational, can I just say how much I love www.overheardinnewyork.com? (Hyperlinks, like segues, are for kids) If I weren't so lazy and blog challenged I would start up www.overheardinrichmond.com. I'm surrounded by good material:

"Dude, I can't play with her all the time. You have to play with her some."

"We'll be up there singing Stand by Your Man, if it kills us. Which it might."

"I like S'mores. You just like SMORE."

"TOTALLY gay. Yet not."

I love the random quote. If you recognize your words, post a comment.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

WWJP?


Why would Jamie post?

To enter the 99 WORDS OF HORROR contest. Read more here

http://shiveredsky.blogspot.com/2006/10/1st-annual-flash-fiction-contest-prizes.html

I'm entering for the custom artwork. 'nuff said.

99 Problems But a Witch Ain't One

I just need to catch her eye and maybe she’ll stop. How DARE I suggest that she move out and take her stupid cat? I think she’s really just mad because I picked Halloween. Seemed appropriate to confront a witch on Halloween and since her mother wasn’t available….. Ha! I’ve got a million of them. If I could just manage to catch her eye, maybe she will unseal my mouth. This is all Vladimir’s fault. If he would get those canines filed down, I wouldn’t have thought he said she was a bitch. Dating a bitch I can handle….