I'm a Hot Dumb Ass!

I have lived in the city of Richmond for fourteen years and I have never had a parking ticket. I've had a parking ticket in DC, but never in Richmond. Until last night.

I came home from work and took Boom for a walk as usual. I had several errands to run, so I went back out. Dog treats, leg wax strips, eye drops, banana bread ingredients, and a pedicure. So when I got home at 7:45 in flip-flops with tons of bags and couldn't find a parking spot on the street in the immediate 2 blocks, I pulled up to the median to unload.

Note -- everybody in the neighborhood has done this once or twice to unload a car. We live in a small shopping district with a theater and restaurants, so evening parking can be difficult. In fact, during last weekend's French Film Festival, there were TWO cars parked where I parked for the entire day. No tickets.

I had every intention of moving my car onto the street as soon as a spot opened. But then I made some dinner (stir fried rice, and arugula/spinach mix with sprouts and lemon gorgonzola dressing, thanks for asking) and started watching ER. I mean this is the end of 15 years of ER, it is understandable that I was distracted from watching the road.

Then Neighbor John calls around 11 and says, "Is that your car parked at the median?" To which I replied, "Oh crap! I totally forgot to move it!" His response was, "Well you might want to get out there because there are 2 cop cars by it." So I go running outside in my pedicure flipflops (O.P.I. Blue My Mind, thanks for noticing), saying apologetically, "OHMYGOSH I TOTALLY fell asleep on the couch! I'm so sorry, I had a ton of bags to carry in, I'll move it right now."

Response of the uniformed officer? "I've got something for you," and hands me a ticket. They both walk away and the plainclothed officer (a dead ringer for Inspector Gadget in his tightly belted trencoat) offers over his shoulder, "You're lucky that I can still cancel the tow."

So I got in my car and turned the radio up to cover the expletives I was bestowing upon these two inflexible asshats and moved my car.

I get to pay a $40 ticket for being a forgetful dumb ass.

Today, I was walking through the grocery store getting the baking ingredients I forgot the previous night and as I rounded the corner, passed a man with a small kid in the cart. He literally did a double take. It was text book. He could give lessons in double take. So I looked at him a second longer than I would ordinarily have to see if he looked familiar. He didn't.

He started to look familiar because I passed him three more times while collecting the 7 items I was purchasing (13 if you count the apples individually, thanks for clarifying). When I was paying, he walked slowly by with his groceries, eyeing me the whole time. He wasn't overly creepy looking, but the eye contact was getting to be a bit much. After paying, I headed for the other exit just to be on the safe side.

Nope, he was lingering, so as I finally made it to my car, he rolls by slowly with the window down and hisses, "Niiiiiiccccccceeeeee."

So there you have it. I'm not reliably bright, but I am noticeably hot. At least to supermarket stalkers.

Tell all your single friends, parking tickets suck. Even for hot people.


XO, JamieSmitten