This is Weird, Right?

I wax my legs. When times are good, I go to Jutta and pay for the long-lasting pleasure of no shaving. When times are lean, I wax at home.

I used to do it old school: heat the container, use the cloth strips, make a mess of drips all over the back porch. [Natural light is key. Neighbor John is a saint and ignores me when I wax al fresco.] Then I found the pre-waxed strips. They aren't quite as efficient, but they are much cleaner and faster.

So I've been using the pre-waxed strips for a few years. Not frequently, maybe 3 times a year. And just recently, Boom has started to take issue.

Boom used to lie on his cot and enjoy the sunshine while I ruthlessly denuded my legs follicle by follicle. Didn't even waste a glance. Now, as I begin to pull the strips apart, he begins to whine and look for an evacuation route. He will run upstairs and sit in the bedroom until I call him. He won't come all the way downstairs until I show him that there are no strips in my hand and assure him repeatedly that I'm all done.

It does make a tearing noise -- like pulling out a length of packing tape. Interestingly, Boom now leaves the room when I use tape too. He did not participate in Christmas present wrapping; he didn't even stay in the room.

So tonight, I gave him his supper and went upstairs to the bedroom to wax my legs. [Emergency late night wax as Boot Camp is inside tomorrow which means shorts which means deforestation must occur, natural light be damned]. He whined a few times to indicate that he didn't appreciate being left downstairs, but he didn't get agitated.

Problem solved, right? Nope. An hour later, I pulled up my pajama leg to scratch my leg and Boom leaned over to sniff my leg. He reared back, got off the couch, and proceeded to pace and whine.

So is it the sound or the smell? And WHY does he care? Boys. Completely weird.

Tell all your single friends, waxing is better, but not for everyone.


XO, JamieSmitten

Hopeful (with a dash of reality)

Hooray! Now we can get down to the business of restoring our economy, ending this war, and redeeming ourselves in the eyes of the world.

And if we could hurry up with that, I'd be thrilled. Especially since my quarterly 401k statement arrived in the mail to inform me that my Personal Rate of Return for the past quarter was -39.4%.

On the plus side, I also received From Britain...with Love -- my very own official Shuffleathon 2008 cd. Review to follow once I have properly reviewed the music (naked, with alcohol).

Tell all your single friends, Good Times are on the way!


XO, JamieSmitten

New Music + Best Friends = WIN!

Singer Neko Case has a new album out called Middle Cyclone.

She is a supporter of Best Friends Animal Society and you know that is a place that is very close to my heart. For every blog that posts her new single, a $5 donation will be made to Best Friends.

I'm not familiar with any of Neko's previous work, but I kind of like this song.

Download the MP3 -- Neko Case: People Got a Lotta Nerve

Tell all your single friends, repost this on your blog!!

XO, JamieSmitten

Jogging Pays Off!

I was CARDED today when I ordered a beer at lunch. Yes, I have a witness, although Lianne did chuckle in disbelief when it happened.

Tell all your single friends, tip your blind waitresses well!!!!!


XO, JamieSmitten

Single: The Good, The Bad, and The Horny

I've been single for a long time. A really long time. My last official relationship ended in 2001.

There was a dalliance or two in the intervening years, but I think DRY SPELL is appropriate terminology when applied to my love life.

I'm friendly -- unless you piss me off, I'm intelligent -- unless I'm trying to justify my past boyfriend choices, I'm an excellent conversationalist -- unless we are talking about college sports or the merits of the Republican party, and I can dance -- unless you mean break dancing.

Add home and car ownership, a small amount of retirement funds, and breasts that while lower than they were 10 years ago still get respect, and I'm thinking that this is a reasonably attractive offer. And don't forget! I have jogged within the past week.

So where my men at? I managed to throw a leg over one youngster in 2008, but that just reminded me that I really like sex. Even fairly quick don't-bother-taking-off-your-socks-because-you-aren't-staying sex. I need more of that in 2009.

So where my men at? It certainly isn't Craigslist. Although I'm a devoted reader of Men Seeking Women, Casual Encounters, and Missed Connections. (Tip: Forget the Richmond CL, go straight for the freaks in the SF Bay area. Holy Hannah, there are some unique individuals looking for lust!) It doesn't seem to work well for anyone because many of the posts have plaintive titles like "Just seeing if there is anyone real on here." Full disclosure: I did respond to one post (because he was the only person to not say "hit me up") only to have a one word reply "Pic?" I sent it and then using the clues in his post, found his former band's Myspace page which led to his blog which led to the info that he worked AT MY PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. Sometimes I hate Richmond. He must not have liked the picture or maybe my second email to him noting that as a fellow employee he might have the courtesy to reply as "not interested" scared him. Whatev. He was short.

So where my men at? It certainly isn't eHarmony. The majority of profiles that were sent to me based on a much vaunted list of matching characteristics made me doubt the very existence of soul mates. Never has there been a larger group of incompatible men. However you have to give them props for some wicked howlers:

The most influential person in Sam Single's life has been: My son, having a child is not only amazing but it puts you in a frame of mind that makes your realize you are responsible for the life of another.

[I doubt his mind needed a very big frame]

Profession: 44 yr old physician who lives in the Isle of White

[Um. That would be the Isle of WIGHT, unless you were being ironic about your West End neighborhood]

Some additional information Sam Single wanted you to know is: I'm constantly reading and I try to read books that I enjoy and they include fiction and non-fiction.

[When I read I look at the words and the words are in sentences next to the big pictures]


The things Sam Single can't live without are:
Baseball
Spell Check
Sushi
Modigliani
Good Friends

[Bitch! Your friends are so much more important than Modigliani. But you are right, a good spicy tuna roll is hard to beat.]

Some additional information Sam Single wanted you to know is: I consider myself having an errant disposition with a passion for adventure & intellectual enrichment. I'm a monogamist in the purest sense & tend to be very demonstrative when it comes to affection & passion once I become comfortable with that person. I enjoy formal events but unpretentious, casual settings are my overriding preference. Especially enjoy that "one on one" time with that unique someone. I'm an ardent believer that life's most poignant, as well as casual moments are shared with one's better half.

[Get away from me, you impure monogamists!!]


Seriously, I couldn't make this crap up if I tried. So you see where I'm going?

So where my men at? I've had slightly more action from GreenSingles.com. Admittedly it is stacking the deck with liberal, animal-loving, non-hunters to choose from, but what are my other options? I've had some email exchanges, but for the most part, I'm getting declarations of love from the 50+ set. Some of whom live in teepees. No, you read that right. Read on:

Something about you: I'm a TIPI-MAKER and PEACE ACTIVIST trying to facilitate a CONSCIOUSNESS REVOLUTION by way of "re-creating" the TRIBAL CIRCLE OF FAMILY....Into permaculture,organic gardening,music festivals, and radical "green" politics....(and other FUN and LIFE-affirming stuff)

[Yes! There was a picture of the teepee AND the teepee maker!]

Something about you: Since i was an infant I was aware a of a deep and intense longing to personally know the ultimate ground of being. At first it was incoate (sic) but it became clearer and more intense toughout chidhood. At the age of 12 I had a profound mystical experance that catapulted me into an even more intense search for the divine.

[At the age of 42, I profoundly puked when reading this profile]

And let's be clear about this. The mate options on GreenSingles are still better than SantaMatch or PlentyofFish.com. Is it just me or does that look like plenty offish? As in, "that meat looks plenty offish. You'd probably get sick and die if you ate it."

So there you have it. I can have a TIVO season pass to Rock of Love Bus and not have to justify it to a significant other. I can allow my Boom to have one whole side of the bed and not have to squeeze in between him and my man. I can have only beer and lettuce in my refrigerator and that is o.k.

And I'm not saying I'd give all that up. I'm just saying I wouldn't mind some action.


Tell all your single friends, Smitten's got it all most of it.



XO, JamieSmitten

You Won't Believe It!

Because I don't! Guess what I did at 5:30 this morning? JOGGED. I know. I'll wait while you pick your chin up off the floor.

So I was sort of tricked into it. KickYourAssJennifer said, "Hey! Come to the Thursday walking club! It will be just like going out but without the drinks!" Trust me, she's incredibly hard to deny. This is undoubtedly why she is such a great trainer.

Anyhoo, I fell for it, so I was in my workout gear and at the field by 5:20. After everyone arrived we set off with a similar speed companion. Of course, KickYourAssJennifer neglected to mention that my companion was part giraffe. Seriously. Her legs ended at my waistband. I had neglected to broadcast my minuscule stride. The stride length of a fifth grader, or thereabouts. So a brisk walk for those two ended up being a steady jog for me. A seemingly never ending jog. They told me it was about a mile and a half, but I will need to drive that course because it had to have been longer. Felt longer.

It didn't kill me, so I might do it again.

Isn't that a great personal philosophy? Feel free to adopt it yourself!

On an unrelated note (because this started happening to me long before I jogged), my underwear kept falling down at work. It started out in the right place, but every chair shift or room change left me with underwear at half mast in the back. So annoying. Is it just me? And no, it isn't really old underwear and it does have proper elastic at the top. Over share?

Now I really must get back to writing my "Self Appraisal." This is an annual torture visited upon me by my employer. Results, Strengths, Development Opportunities. I'm leaning towards:

Smitten did lots of important and not so important things for mediocre pay and without going postal.

Sadly, I must provide examples. Before 7 a.m. tomorrow. Yes, you clever dog, "stop procrastinating" is my Development Opportunity.

Tell all your single friends, I'd pay $50 for someone to write this for me.



XO, JamieSmitten

Crushed!

Craig Ferguson just got married, damn it, and it wasn't to me.



Tell all your single friends, it was a long shot, but it could have happened.


XO, JamieSmitten

Seriously?!?!?

I took my car into the dealership on Friday for a front headlight bulb. I had been informed of the outage before Christmas but just didn't have time to get to it. That is what fog lights are for, right? I've got light on both sides -- just a little lower and smaller!

$49.36 and 45 minutes in a waiting room with two completely ill-mannered children and I was restored to my former well-lit glory.

Until this morning when I departed for Boot Camp in the dark and realized that now my LEFT headlight bulb is blown out. Apparently my light bulbs are Romeo and Juliet. Sigh.

On the plus side, I did 15 not too shabby push-ups today. But you really should have seen the kick lunges. I felt like I was auditioning for the Ministry of Silly Walks.

Tell all your single friends, save time, change all the bulbs at once.


XO, JamieSmitten

Another New Year of Medical Maladies Begins!

Poor Boom, he has a wonderful 8th birthday with many presents (thanks, DFF!) and musical e-cards and then New Year's Eve comes. Boom's least favorite day of the year is Independence Day, but New Year's Eve comes a close second. Fireworks, suburbanites, disrupted sleep -- a veritable party pack of things we don't like.



So you would think that the poor boy had suffered enough. Nope. While out walking yesterday afternoon, Boom was unsuccessful in avoiding the many, many, MANY broken beer bottles on the sidewalks and cut his paw. Tough guy didn't let on and continued his determined pace for another 20 minutes, even pretending his knee wasn't sore either.



So when I returned to the kitchen after he drank his post-walk gallon of water, I was shocked to see the bloody prints all over the kitchen floor. It was kind of like there had been an armed skirmish between very little people and all that was left was the smears of blood where the bodies had fallen. (And just think, I don't even play video games. My imagination came up with that all by itself.)



So I followed Boom back to the living room with a wet paper towel and discovered that there was a small chunk missing out of one pad on his rear paw. To make matters worse, this is the paw attached to the leg which does not have cruciate ligament issues, so it bears more weight than the other. Although the pad had stopped bleeding, the wound reopened each time he walked on it that day.



Medical MacGyver to the rescue! It is quite something what I can do with a sock, a hair elastic, and a baggie. Really. See for yourself:





He got the sock off last night, but has worn it all day today without complaint and the paw seems to have not bled since this morning. Such a good boy.



This makes a complete trifecta of Boom issues: strained knee/ligament, cut pad, and the ever popular 'section of skin rubbed raw by constant obsessive licking.' Oy. It has been nice, though, to spend just about every minute of the past 4 days with him. Work on Monday is going to be harsh.



Tell all your single friends, show this post to the CSI team if they ever search my house for evidence.





XO, JamieSmitten

Music is My Hot, Hot Sex, Part 2

Tuesday night I went to see Robert Randolph and the Family Band at the National, a new-ish venue in Richmond. The National is definitely as posh as advertised -- beautiful restoration and lots of bars and lounge type spaces to relax between sets.

DFF, Former Neighborette, and I arrived towards the end of the DJ Williams Projekt. That was a darn shame because they had some excellent trumpet and sax action and the decent sized crowd was moving happily. On the plus side, we found out that they play every Tuesday at a bar four blocks from my house, so we can see them again.

This being Richmond, when we wandered upstairs to check out the venue, we ran into the brother of another neighbor. Turns out we had plenty of time for talk because the next band was either very mellow or the bar was soundproofed because nothing we heard made us head for the dance floor.

Fortified in numbers and hops, our group headed back down for the headliners. I have seen Robert Randolph and the Family Band before and knew I was in for a funky good time. I was not disappointed. Switching frequently from steel guitar to a standard guitar, Randolph keeps the music flowing. There are definite gospel moments but the joy in the air comes from Randolph himself and his beaming smile which never wavers -- even when some overly zealous female fans were grabbing the merchandise. "Ain't Nothing Wrong With That" from the album Colorblind was an amazing encore. You couldn't help but dance, no matter how crappy your shoes were for dancing. Trust me.

I highly recommend attending a Family Band concert. It isn't just gospel, it isn't just Bonnaroo jam band, it is just damn fine music.

Tell all your single friends, only 30 days until the English Beat show!!!!!



XO, JamieSmitten

Happy New Year!

One of the benefits of living in a booming metropolis (cough) is the major New Year's Eve celebration. All day I have witnessed the influx of barricades, beer trucks, portajohns, and cotton candy stands.

After a stop at Neighbor John's for good liquor and food, I wandered down to the end of the street to watch the ball rise. It went much more smoothly than last year, but the fireworks were a little anticlimactic.

Thanks to my stellar camera, you will think it was much more exciting than it really was.

Now I'm settling in for a half hour or so of Boom barking frantically as all the partygoers stumble down the street looking for the cars they left many, many blocks away.

Tell all your single friends, 2009 is the Year of the Recovered Mojo!!

XO, JamieSmitten