Single: The Good, The Bad, and The Horny

I've been single for a long time. A really long time. My last official relationship ended in 2001.

There was a dalliance or two in the intervening years, but I think DRY SPELL is appropriate terminology when applied to my love life.

I'm friendly -- unless you piss me off, I'm intelligent -- unless I'm trying to justify my past boyfriend choices, I'm an excellent conversationalist -- unless we are talking about college sports or the merits of the Republican party, and I can dance -- unless you mean break dancing.

Add home and car ownership, a small amount of retirement funds, and breasts that while lower than they were 10 years ago still get respect, and I'm thinking that this is a reasonably attractive offer. And don't forget! I have jogged within the past week.

So where my men at? I managed to throw a leg over one youngster in 2008, but that just reminded me that I really like sex. Even fairly quick don't-bother-taking-off-your-socks-because-you-aren't-staying sex. I need more of that in 2009.

So where my men at? It certainly isn't Craigslist. Although I'm a devoted reader of Men Seeking Women, Casual Encounters, and Missed Connections. (Tip: Forget the Richmond CL, go straight for the freaks in the SF Bay area. Holy Hannah, there are some unique individuals looking for lust!) It doesn't seem to work well for anyone because many of the posts have plaintive titles like "Just seeing if there is anyone real on here." Full disclosure: I did respond to one post (because he was the only person to not say "hit me up") only to have a one word reply "Pic?" I sent it and then using the clues in his post, found his former band's Myspace page which led to his blog which led to the info that he worked AT MY PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. Sometimes I hate Richmond. He must not have liked the picture or maybe my second email to him noting that as a fellow employee he might have the courtesy to reply as "not interested" scared him. Whatev. He was short.

So where my men at? It certainly isn't eHarmony. The majority of profiles that were sent to me based on a much vaunted list of matching characteristics made me doubt the very existence of soul mates. Never has there been a larger group of incompatible men. However you have to give them props for some wicked howlers:

The most influential person in Sam Single's life has been: My son, having a child is not only amazing but it puts you in a frame of mind that makes your realize you are responsible for the life of another.

[I doubt his mind needed a very big frame]

Profession: 44 yr old physician who lives in the Isle of White

[Um. That would be the Isle of WIGHT, unless you were being ironic about your West End neighborhood]

Some additional information Sam Single wanted you to know is: I'm constantly reading and I try to read books that I enjoy and they include fiction and non-fiction.

[When I read I look at the words and the words are in sentences next to the big pictures]


The things Sam Single can't live without are:
Baseball
Spell Check
Sushi
Modigliani
Good Friends

[Bitch! Your friends are so much more important than Modigliani. But you are right, a good spicy tuna roll is hard to beat.]

Some additional information Sam Single wanted you to know is: I consider myself having an errant disposition with a passion for adventure & intellectual enrichment. I'm a monogamist in the purest sense & tend to be very demonstrative when it comes to affection & passion once I become comfortable with that person. I enjoy formal events but unpretentious, casual settings are my overriding preference. Especially enjoy that "one on one" time with that unique someone. I'm an ardent believer that life's most poignant, as well as casual moments are shared with one's better half.

[Get away from me, you impure monogamists!!]


Seriously, I couldn't make this crap up if I tried. So you see where I'm going?

So where my men at? I've had slightly more action from GreenSingles.com. Admittedly it is stacking the deck with liberal, animal-loving, non-hunters to choose from, but what are my other options? I've had some email exchanges, but for the most part, I'm getting declarations of love from the 50+ set. Some of whom live in teepees. No, you read that right. Read on:

Something about you: I'm a TIPI-MAKER and PEACE ACTIVIST trying to facilitate a CONSCIOUSNESS REVOLUTION by way of "re-creating" the TRIBAL CIRCLE OF FAMILY....Into permaculture,organic gardening,music festivals, and radical "green" politics....(and other FUN and LIFE-affirming stuff)

[Yes! There was a picture of the teepee AND the teepee maker!]

Something about you: Since i was an infant I was aware a of a deep and intense longing to personally know the ultimate ground of being. At first it was incoate (sic) but it became clearer and more intense toughout chidhood. At the age of 12 I had a profound mystical experance that catapulted me into an even more intense search for the divine.

[At the age of 42, I profoundly puked when reading this profile]

And let's be clear about this. The mate options on GreenSingles are still better than SantaMatch or PlentyofFish.com. Is it just me or does that look like plenty offish? As in, "that meat looks plenty offish. You'd probably get sick and die if you ate it."

So there you have it. I can have a TIVO season pass to Rock of Love Bus and not have to justify it to a significant other. I can allow my Boom to have one whole side of the bed and not have to squeeze in between him and my man. I can have only beer and lettuce in my refrigerator and that is o.k.

And I'm not saying I'd give all that up. I'm just saying I wouldn't mind some action.


Tell all your single friends, Smitten's got it all most of it.



XO, JamieSmitten