Kids -- Learn From My Mistake!

I drive quickly. Often. Driving being one of the things I love to do. Sometimes, I just like to get there quickly.

4 months ago, I got a ticket for trying to get home too quickly. I wasn't really late, just zoned out on a four lane divided road through an industrial park that some government genius deemed worthy of a 35 limit. Sigh. Happily, I received the ticket before the new laws were enacted which added a civil penalty to all traffic infractions of Virginia drivers. But still -- it was a $190 slap on the wrist -- and I just don't have that kind of money lying around.

Today I went to traffic court, determined to smile, wheedle, and possibly weasel my way into a lower fine, a pat on the wrist, heck, traffic school. 5 hours later, I walked out dehydrated, starved, demoralized, with a caffeine withdrawal headache the size of Cleveland. I also had $116 less in the bank. But oh what a display of humanity! Bear in mind, I worked in Las Vegas, so I've seen me some humanity.

In no particular order, I saw:

• A mullet. No, not an ironic mullet. A true lifestyle commitment. Its owner was there because he drove his buddy's car with expired plates to the sheriff's office on an errand for another friend despite the fact that his license was expired. He got a fine and 55 days in jail -- to be served on consecutive weekends, 48 hours at a time, until done.


• Hurley -- the dude from Lost. Well, at the very least, his little brother. Hurley2 became an example for everyone as he had been to traffic school twice, but was appearing today for his fifth speeding ticket. The fourth was received on the way home from traffic school. He got the big fine. His mama was not happy. Neither were the rest of us, having just realized that traffic school wasn't going to be the easy out for any of us.


• Creepy bible-reading man. He looked a bit like Jackie Earle Hailey in his big comeback movie, Little Children. He sat next to me for 2 hours mainlining cinnamon gum and reading Timothy. Don't know a thing about that book of the bible, but he sure made it last for the full 2 hours. Alphabetically, he was screwed and still sitting there when I got my wrist slap and beat feet.


• Harold Ramis. Again, not really HR, but certainly a close blood relative. HR claimed that the program director for ASAP (Alcohol Safety Awareness Program -- see? I was paying attention!) told him that he didn't need to do the program if he never wanted to get his driver's license back. His offense was driving to the liquor store, downing a pint in the parking lot, and then driving home. Apparently, he now cabs to the liquor store to drink in the parking lot. They cuffed him. Not sure where he went.


• Batty old lady. She didn't answer one of the judge's questions correctly, but she got off with no charges. Great, I might be a speeder, but at least I'm sane.


• 2 inmates from the jail -- complete with waist chains and ankle chains. One of them was so cold his teeth were chattering. He got a referral to a psychiatrist to determine if he knew why he was in jail. The other inmate had a whole host of issues -- "malicious wounding" being the charge bandied about most. He was losing his house because he'd been in jail for 55 days and hadn't made a payment in months. Did I mention these two were sitting directly in front of me?


• Paris Wannabe. She was forced to surrender her license to the court, but will have all charges removed from her record in one year if she remains alcohol and drug free during that time. Being only seventeen, you'd think that would be manageable. Daddy's lawyer did all the talking, while Princess did all the pouting. Clearly, reckless endangerment under the influence while underage is just, like, so annoying already.

Drug convictions, alcohol counseling, multiple DUIs, and speed, speed, speed. We were all sinners in one way or another. But at least I found out where all the men in this town are on the weekend. In jail, doing time.

Tell all your single friends, if speed doesn't kill you, general district court will.

XO, JamieSmitten