Help! She's Making Me Match!

It is just plain weird. I'm a Scorpio. I'm supposed to be the one in control. But that isn't the way it works in my relationships. Well maybe with men, but certainly not with my girl friends. I'm not complaining -- if it weren't for my forceful female friends, I'd languish at home with Boom and reruns of House.

So one of my determined female friends has just informed me that I will be having a profile on Match.com and I will be expected to date men, not just mock their spelling and grammar from the safe harbor of the sofa. I tried to explain that I've done Match.com. Heck -- I've done eHarmony, SantaMatch, Inkdate, Plentyoffish, and AnimalAttraction. I regularly scan GreenSingles looking for that perfect 6'4" animal loving well-read vegetarian with broad shoulders who lives on the west coast and only needs me to complete the picture. I try.

But I'm not trying hard enough is the feedback from DFF. She also knows me well enough that she has already said she will help write the ad, pay the money, and post the darn thing. Her enthusiasm is almost invigorating. Until I remember the actual dates I had from my previous Match.com foray.

Date #1: Lunch date at a local hangout. His profile was positively erudite and I was enthralled. When I found out a co-worker was also emailing him, I quickly suggested lunch and he said yes. I probably wore a little too much lipstick, but damn it, I was excited. He was tall and good-looking in that imperfectly charming way that I like (see previous post) and he was interesting. We didn't lack topics and the lunch ended only when we both had other places we had to be. Then came the email two days later. "I had a nice time, even though we didn't feel a connection." What?! I fired off a way harsh response that I hadn't realized I was auditioning for soulmate, etc. He responded tersely that clearly, I was a lunatic and thank goodness we hadn't planned another date. Miffed. For quite some time, I was. I ran into him a year later while walking Boom and he literally took two steps back and said, "Oh. That's a really big dog," with a hint of fear in his eye. Couldn't handle either of us, so it would seem.

Date #2: Drinks at a local bar. His profile was a little spare, but I was able to glean doctor and well traveled. That should do nicely, I thought at the time. Of course, a veterinarian would have been better, but I'm open, right? No immediate physical attraction, but he wasn't bad looking, just a little too buttoned down. We talked easily and found out that we both had divorced parents, dads with wanderlust who took up with inappropriate women, and mothers who lived in Florida. Things took a turn for the worse when he bemoaned the lack of chess partners in Richmond. "There's nobody at my level." It soon became clear that he was snobby. He was also persistent and insisted on walking me home, foiling my perfect plan of having an easy escape route. Fortunately, Neighbor John (slayer of mice and a charming gay man) arrived home as I was holding the line on the front porch so Stuffy McChessSnob didn't get any ideas. I called out to him in my most flirtatious manner that he certainly had been out late and he had some explaining to do. He approached warily, but soon read the situation and stayed chatting with me until S McCS took the hint and beat feet.

I'll spare you my non-Match.com blind date story -- although the part where he asks to be dropped off on the side of the road is pretty funny. Suffice to say, I'm not much of a dater.

But if DFF says I should be, well maybe she's right.

So I'm going to do it. I'm going to post a profile. Sometime soon. Really. If you have any suggestions on how to sell the Smitten, please leave them in the Comments section.

Tell all your single friends, if you know a 6'4" veterinarian with broad shoulders and a wicked sense of humor, he's needed at Match.com STAT!

XO, JamieSmitten