I've Fallen....and I'm on Crutches!

Damn fate tempting. I ought to know better.

I have an astrology book that has profiles for each day of the year. It lists characteristics, tendencies, and recommendations, strengths, weaknesses. Sometimes the book is not even close -- like the November 27 description which captures neither my brother-in-law or my ex Ron. My day is scarily accurate and it lists my two weaknesses: Volatile and Accident-prone.

I took that damn book into work so we could look people up and consider the descriptions. Of course I bragged that most days have THREE weaknesses and I only have two. Clearly, the universe decided to remind me about hubris.

I fell at work and landed squarely on my right kneecap. Instantaneous swelling and some wicked nausea ensued. Nothing is broken according to the x-rays, but I was told to stay off it for a week and keep it wrapped in an ace bandage.

So, my long weekend is turning out to be pretty damn dull. On the plus side, I'm nearly caught up on back issues of Vanity Fair!

Tell all your single friends, rubber soles are not foolproof.


XO, JamieSmitten

Eight Is Enough!

The next president of the United States just said everything that needed to be said. America, I hope you were listening.



Tell all your single friends, vote for change.



XO, JamieSmitten

Random End of Week Thoughts

• My faith in personalized license plates was restored this morning when I saw an old 280Z painted orange sporting: GENRL Z

• Some recent gems from the profiles on that horrible dating site which is supposedly matching me on innumerable compatibility points:
• How do you spend your leisure time? On the golf coarse
• The Things Chris can't live without are:
• Swordplay
• Books
• Privacy
• Chocolate
• Physical Intimacy
• I don't know about you, but I have a hard time picturing my soul mate ENGAGING in swordplay, let along listing it as his top thrill.

• I watched Charlie Wilson's War this week and found it quite enjoyable. Nothing like getting your history lesson with Tom Hanks in the leading role. I'd watch him floss because he is that likable.

• I also rented The Three Lives of Thomasina -- an ancient Disney movie that I remember watching on tv as a kid. What I forgot was how sadistic Walt was. Holy crap, animals were dying left and right! It was kind of horrifying and not at all the happy cat movie that I remembered. Good thing I watched it before buying it for my niece.

• Bootcamp is going well. I lured a former neighbor to a free class this week, but I don't think she is ready to commit full time. Meanwhile, Bootcamp leader is contemplating adding a third day each week. Now that I have the THIRD alarm set on stun, I'm making it to class at 5:30 without issues. So BRING IT ON, KYA!

• I read My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands by Chelsea Handler in about 4 hours. The true tall tales of her dating life were very funny with a side of David Sedaris insight into dysfunctional family dynamics. It was a nice change after reading some chick lit novels that falsely promise true love around every corner. I'll stick with the messy, skid mark on the underwear version of life, thank you.

• The Olympics weren't as boring as I expected. I saw some great dives (somebody please tell me, who decided a mandatory dive starts with a handstand on a diving board a million miles above the pool? That is INSANE), some exciting volleyball (where are these volleyball men hanging out in the off season? Those are some seriously tall and cute young men on the Brazilian team), and lots of swimming (were the interviews with Mama Phelps longer than her son's races?). Done for two.

• I saw Pineapple Express at a half-full matinee on Saturday. I was a little disappointed at the low stoner percentage in the theatre, but perhaps the 1:50 show isn't the optimal time. In a word: Hysterical. Yes, all those reviews about the comedy turning into a violence fest were accurate, but killing somebody with a Daewoo doesn't exactly indicate you have left funnytown. Crude, rude, cringe-inducing at times, but total escapist entertainment.

Tell all your single friends, what if Smitten tells HER one-night stand stories?

XO, JamieSmitten

Mind in Gutter

Honestly, is it just me? They keep playing a commercial for Friendly's meal special -- buy a certain item, get a Happy Ending Sundae. I can't help it, I laugh every time.



Then, I see this license plate on the car next to me in work parking lot:

STROKN8

Is this a warning that the car may suddenly speed up and then drift slowly to a stop? Does he have a cat in his lap?



Tell all your single friends, stop leaving so much to my imagination.





XO, JamieSmitten

Sheer Genius

Read the winning entries of the 2008 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest here.

From the website:

An international literary parody contest, the competition honors the memory (if not the reputation) of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873). The goal of the contest is childishly simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Although best known for "The Last Days of Pompeii" (1834), which has been made into a movie three times, originating the expression "the pen is mightier than the sword," and phrases like "the great unwashed" and "the almighty dollar," Bulwer-Lytton opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words that the "Peanuts" beagle Snoopy plagiarized for years, "It was a dark and stormy night."

Some of the entries that had me laughing out loud:

• The mongrel dog began to lick her cheek voraciously with his sopping wet tongue, so wide and flat and soft, a miniature pink fleshy cape soaked through and oozing with liquid salivary gratitude; after all, she had rescued him from the clutches of Bernard, the curmudgeonly one-eyed dogcatcher, whose own tongue -- she remembered vividly the tongues of all her lovers -- was coarse and lethargic, like a slug in a sandpaper trenchcoat. Christopher Wey, Pittsburgh, PA

• Special agent Mark Park's strong chin and firm mouth showed that he was a man to be reckoned with, while his twinkling blue eyes revealed surprising depths of kindness and humor, the scar on his cheek a past filled with violence and danger, and his left ear a fondness for M and Ms, but only the red ones. John R. Cooper, Portland, Oregon

• There are certain people in the world who emanate an aura of well being -- they radiate sunshine, light up a room, bring out the best in others, and fill your half empty glass to overflowing - yes it was these very people thought Karl, as he sharpened his mirror-finished guthook knife, who were top of his list. Jason Garbett, London, U.K.

• Watching Felicia walk into the bar was like watching two fat Rottweilers in yellow spandex and spike heels that had treed a scrawny bleach blond cat at the top of a skinny flagpole that for some reason had decided to sprout casaba melons. Melissa Alliston, Coraopolis, PA

I'm TOTALLY entering next year.


Tell all your single friends, The evening started with a crashing bang that reminded Joe of that time in Vienna when he rear-ended the woodwind section in the taxi and they in turn, crumpled the fender of sidecar in which the tuba player was riding, but then again, there were no horns this time. (or something like that)


XO, JamieSmitten

Louche

MEANING: adjective: Of questionable character; dubious; disreputable.

ETYMOLOGY: From French louche (cross-eyed), from Latin lusca, feminine of luscus (one-eyed).

Oh. Dear. I think it is not coincidence that the A.Word.A.Day in the mailbox this morning pertains to disreputable. I was certainly cross-eyed from the heavenly Legend pale ale when I opened the laptop last night.

I stand behind my statements, forward as they may have been.

Now I'm off to puke my guts up running around a field whilst someone I pay tells me to run faster.

Tell all your single friends, louche, soooooooo louche.


XO, JamieSmitten

Just To Be Clear

I'm completely toasted.

Drunk.

Obliterated.

And madly in love with unobtainable men.

You know who you are.

Tell all your single friends, Smitten DOES do that thing with her tongue.

XO, JamieSmitten


p.s. Major props to DFF (Determined Friend Forever) Anne for facilitating this AWESOME buzz.

p.p.s. Fweng -- geography has screwed you out of some major lovin' tonight. But I'll be thinking about you.....

This Is What You Missed

• My toenails are PINK. This is pretty rare, as regular readers can attest. Blue is the preferred color. But heck, it is summer, and when you have a bottle of nail polish named The Lifeguard Makes Me Blush......
• During a 2 hour "Managing Your Career" class at work, I was informed that it was unsurprising that I haven't found a career. Being an ENFP and all. Great. I thought it was just poor choices on my part (cinema draft house waitress, optometric assistant, document processor, legal admin, blackjack dealer, corporate cog). Nope, I'm doomed to want to help people but get bored quickly once that is done.

• I have procured books by both my crushes: Craig Ferguson's Between the Bridge and the River and Hugh Laurie's The Gun Seller but have not had time to read either. All this working out and such.
  
  

• Speaking of working out, I slept through Monday's boot camp. Slept through 1 alarm that repeated every 5 minutes FIVE times. Yes, I was tired, but I had my workout clothes ready and everything. On the plus side, I did the workout at home Monday night. Not quite as intense, but better than nothing.

• Online dating continues to be as frustrating as before. On GreenSingles.com (for us environmentally friendly types), I sent a free "Smile" to someone. Standard verbiage saying I read their profile and was interested. Care to know what I got in reply?

Thanks for sending a smile. I am disgusted with the
corporate media and the corporate warmongering candidates. I voted for Rep
Kucinich in the Illinois Primary and will vote for Nader in the Fall election. I
am sick of CNN giving me another corporate fascist to vote for. I am not even a
Democrat anymore. They left me. I am a Green Party member now. If the Democrats cannot even mention poverty or the term "working class" anymore in their party platform, they may as well join the Republicans and make sure the rich do not starve!!Morons say I will be throwing my vote away. I say, I will not have blood on my hands when Obama or McCain attack Iran, Afghanistan, or Pakistan. I am sick of my country being a rogue nation. As far as I can see, this country is the only nation to use nuclear weapons and is still using them!! Depleted Uranium is still radioactive...hello! I have watched Bush terrorize the world and I am sick of it. I am ready to go to a civilized country if McCain is
elected or selected. Obama is no better really. He is wanting to subsidize
insurance companies and bomb Afghanistan and Pakistan. Screw the morons here. I will not waste my breath on idiots anymore. Americans are too lazy to read and 49% are too lazy to let the candidates know that they are watching by voting. If only every eligible voter would vote, the candidates would have to think that people are paying attention. I realize that the Constitution has made it very easy for working people to vote by making Tuesday Election Day. But, people need to get off their ass and vote before they find a national ID chip implanted in their bodies. The fence around this country will not be for keeping illegals out as much as for keeping the morons in!! Do you understand me? Are you as disgusted as me? Did you enjoy Obama voting to eliminate the 4th Ammendment as much as I did? He is a good little fascist for sure. I am glad that the government can open my mail and intercept my overseas mressages. Do you understand that the government will know if you ask another person overseas to help you escape this totalitarian police state? Naive morons think that they are looking for the terroristsss with this FISA law. Dream on... Why are Americans so lazy and pathetically stupid? Please enlighten me if you
can.Sincerely,B---- PS I am a good person and would like to correspond with you. I like your style "smitten" and think you pay attention. I do not Yahoo! since they give email info to the Chinese government and cause many Chinese people to be beaten, tortured, and jailed. I have a Windows Live Mesenger ID(XXXXXX) and I would like to chat with you sometime if you are interested.

Thank goodness he doesn't know where I live. Yikes!

• In pouring the watery stuff off my only-used-once sour cream, I accidentally dumped the contents of the container into the sink drain. Yes, I scooped the top part off and ate it. Shoot me.

• I went to the beach and swam and only stepped on one crab and he didn't pinch me.

• I learned that buying a fancy new vacuum cleaner will not make me vacuum more often. I must say that the new Dyson DC-25 looks way better in the corner of the dining room than the Dirt Devil did.

• Mr. Tivo failed me for the first time ever. He missed a channel change and neglected to tape Project Runway. We had words and a restart and the relationship is back on track. Thank goodness -- he's all I've got (read above re internet dating psychos).

• I have plans this weekend! Hair appointment with new hairdresser. Baby shower at Can Can. Sloth Loves Chunk within walking distance, although I shall drive to avoid a repeat of "the night which can't be remembered but ruined a pair of shoes." Legend on Sunday to catch another excellent band, Blue Line Highway. Not my usual fare, but I happen to know the guitar player and he is most excellent. Besides, he was DFF's prom date. Did I mention Richmond is a small, small, town?

• All vegetable plants are dead. No pattypan squash or eggplant fresh from the garden for me. For free anyway. And there was so much promise.....

• I didn't like Dark Knight. I thought it was booooorrrriiiinnnngggg, although amusing to count the number of people who didn't pace themselves with their jumbo drinks and had to run out to the bathroom midway through the movie. Yes, Heath was awesome, but one character does not a movie make. And don't get me started on the gratuitous violence against dogs. It was that crap movie Signs all over again. Hmmm. Those were both movies paid for by my employer as a "fun event." Starting to see a pattern.

• Speaking of work, my manager has just begun a two week vacation. As a green citizen, I feel it is incumbent upon me to limit my fuel consumption and work from home. Long lunch, anyone?
  

Tell all your single friends, paint it, read it, watch it, clean it, do it (whatever it is).



XO, JamieSmitten

Ha!

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... coke"

The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"

The bear says, "I've had them all my life."



Tell all your single friends, laught it out, kid, laugh it out.



XO, JamieSmitten

What Have I Been Up To?

11 days and no posts. What's up with that?

I thought about posting. There is an amusing half-written post about songs I heard during the morning commute. There are notes on the nine dollar beer I absentmindedly bought and then consumed ceremonially. Heck, there was even an insight or two. All gone. Mind like a sieve.

I've determined that my creativity (substitute "brain" if you like) is completely transient. I think of the most clever thoughts ever (I digress, but that would be an awesome title for my posthumous publication) and then promptly forget them because I'm driving, showering, pretending to work, exercising like a middle-aged maniac, etc.

I suppose I could start keeping a pen and notebook handy, but that just leads to cryptic notes that make no sense whatsoever when I find them days after the inspiration.

I do know that the next time I visit my mum, I'll leave a few notes behind. Then, many years from now, she'll send them to me in an envelope with a post-it that says, "remember these?"

I won't remember at first. But then it will come back to me: I used to write.

Composed circa 1989:

/Muse-Less/ (w/apologies to those who are inspired)

When I am silly I try to be very silly.

When I am pretentious I try not to be.

When I am happy I try to sustain it.

When I am sad I try not to be.

When I am serious I try to be very serious.

When I am poetic I try not to be.

(I do have a reputation to save)

Me

I am older than I ever planned to be
I suspect it will only get worse.

Thanks, Mum, for cleaning out some boxes and reminding me that writing anything and everything is who I used to be. I'm going to try and be that girl again.

Tell all your single friends, catch it quick!



XO, JamieSmitten