Give Until You Bleed

Er, donate blood, I mean.

I did. I'm A- and CMV (cytomegalovirus) negative as well, which makes me kind of popular.

Unfortunately, I've got some crap veins. So blood donation is a crap shoot. For every successful pint donated, I've had another attempt that failed miserably:

• Throwing up at the blood donor site is always a treat. You get handed a plastic kidney shaped tray AS your feet are being whipped up over your head -- usually because several phlebotomists have converged on the scene. At first I thought they were concerned, but after the third time, I realized it was just to use their bodies to hide me from the other well-behaved donors.
• Ice packs on the back of the neck can head off nausea. However, these newfangled chemical packs have to be shaken to start the cold reaction. On one occasion, an overzealous phlebotomist shook the bag violently and it exploded, raining down globs of chemical gel on her, me, the needle in my arm. I had to laugh as the swarm of attendants picked it out of my hair. It did have a quite cooling effect.
• Double arm sticks are common. Miss the vein in the left (try a few times though, just to be sure!) and move to the right, only to have the vein run so slowly that clotting occurs at the half pint mark.

But today was something completely new and unexpected. The needle went in smoothly and with a minimum of rearranging, I was off to the races. Hurrah! A good donation day! Confident that all was well, ice pack applied to back of neck, I sent my phlebotomist off to obtain the golden nectar. [In the blood donor world, my golden nectar is not beer, but Blue Bird orange juice in the mini cans. Donald Duck is my preferred label, but I'll happily suck back the Blue Bird too. In case you wondered.]

And then I felt something dripping down my arm. So I did the sensible thing and looked up at the ceiling wondering where the leak was. No leak. No rain, in fact, a gorgeous sunny day. So I looked at my arm and a trail of blood is rolling down my arm. Not slowly dripping out from under the 'modesty' gauze, this blood was coursing firmly. That can't be good, eh?

So I flagged down my phlebotomist (delaying my Blue Bird fix for several minutes, much to my annoyance) and she came over and stared at my arm in disbelief. She pulled off the modesty gauze [not a technical term] and we both watched the blood flow into the tube and out the hole around the needle. "Maybe you better stop squeezing, " she said. I did and the blood flow didn't alter. So she kept mopping me up as the pint filled.

On the plus side, I got the pint out in 6 minutes flat -- a personal record. I also got called a special case by the phlebotomist. She refrained from air quotes, but I'm pretty certain she'll be on break when I show up for my next donation.

On the plus, plus, plus side and the whole reason I donate: Some person who needs blood will get it. Possibly a completely cool bald chick currently kicking leukemia's ass.

PLEASE DONATE. http://www.vablood.org/ if you live in Richmond. http://www.givelife.org/ for you non-southerners. While I have had a ton of interesting donations events, I can honestly say that the process is virtually pain free for me. So don't be a wussy about one lousy needle. You get quality OJ and Fig Newtons when you are done. And they let you eat and drink as much as you want.

Tell all your single friends, let it flow, let it flow, let it flow!

XO, JamieSmitten

Never Said I Was Sharp

Talking to a friend this weekend, I mentioned that I was attending a boot camp-style exercise class. She asked the name and I said, "I thought it was named after the trainer, Kya, but her name is Jennifer."

The friend looked at me and said, "Kya? As in K Y A? As in Kick Your Ass?"

Um. Yes. I guess so. Good thing I'm building muscles (so I can beat up all those people who call me stupid).

www.kyabootcamp.com

Hmph.

Tell all your single friends, I don't even know the names of all the muscles that are getting pumped.


XO, Jamiesmitten

Strange Things I Have Read Lately

On Craigslist, Casual Encounters section:

Into Rollplay [Mmmm. Me too -- if croissants count!]

On the back of a Fantastic World Foods Tabouli Salad Mix box:

6. Sprinkle bread crumbs and cheese mixture over tomatoes willingly. [Heaven help those who sprinkle begrudgingly or with reckless abandon]



In eHarmony profiles:

How Joe typically spends his leisure time:

"I do enjoy in door games." [And exactly how many games can be played in door? Or in door way, for that matter]


One thing that only Michael's best friends know is:

I like carrot cake.

Some additional information Michael wanted you to know is:

I avoid too much sun. [Damn! There goes my vision of a perfect dream man, eating carrot cake in the sun]


From my cell phone text inbox:

you mean the tall handicapped ones? [Yes. I meant those ones EXACTLY]


Tell all your single friends, RIF!*



XO, JamieSmitten

*Reading is Fundamental (for you younger readers)

How To Tell If You Have Been Reading Too Much About Ireland

In need of an exclamation this morning (and aren't we all occasionally?), what phrase sprung into my head and out my mouth?

SAINTS PRESERVE US!

Being neither catholic nor religious, I can only guess that my recent deep dive into all things Irish has awakened some ancestral beliefs.

Can FAITH AND BEGORRAH be far behind???

Tell all your single friends, Smitten is prone to exclamatory exposition!


XO, JamieSmitten

Synchronicity

No, not the Police album. (But while I digress, I prefer Outlandos D'Amour. Next to You is the definitive Police song in my book.)

While I was halfheartedly taking a "career initiative assessment" at work and listening to Operator's Manual, a best of Buzzcocks compilation, the following song came on:

I Don't Know What to Do with My Life

Should I give it up and make a new start

I don't know what to do with my life

'Cos the one I've got just tears me apart

I can't wake up in the morning

And I can't get to sleep at night

I'm not expecting things to be perfect

But a high success rate would be nice

I don't know what to do with my life

I don't know what's gone wrong with my life

But you know I never do seem to win

Whenever I think I've straightened it out

It becomes a vicious circle again

I can't love when anyone loves me

And I can't find the someone to love

But then I start to count my blessings

And I feel I'm getting more than enough of love

I don't know what to do with my life

Repeat as needed to remind yourself that you are not alone. And that you still have decisions to make.


Tell all your single friends, music is life.


XO, JamieSmitten

Two For Two!

Boom and I were taking our evening walk, proud of ourselves for overcoming a sore knee and a sore everything, respectively, when it happened.

With a tickle in my throat, I raised my non-leash hand to cover my mouth politely as I opened my mouth to cough. And darn if ANOTHER bug didn't fly around my hand to the promise of certain death under my uvula! Smaller than the first, I barely saw his zig zag approach. Nevertheless he gave it his all by wedging his corpse firmly in the back of my throat.

Five blocks from home. On a public thoroughfare. No water bottle.

The third bug is coming tomorrow. I know it. Likely at 5:40 a.m. under cover of darkness as I sprint stagger across the field in pursuit of good health.


Tell all your single friends (and the doctor when the malaria renders me delusional), Smitten swallowed bugs!


XO, JamieSmitten

Hurts So Good -- Not Yet

I started Boot Camp this morning. Not the Seal Training touted on stickers on every frigging Hummer/penis substitute in Richmond, but Boot Camp, nonetheless.

I was outside and exercising at 5:30 a.m. I know. ME. Take a moment and ponder that shit.

I also swallowed the majority of a winged insect that had the audacity to fly into my gasping-for-air mouth on my FIRST sprint of the workout. I got out one wing and part of a leg, but the rest went down. Fortunately, it was still dark at that point so I have no idea what type of bug it was.

48 hours to recover. Or stiffen up, if you want to be all pessimistic realistic about it.

Tell all your single friends, "walking lunges" are not pleasant.


XO, JamieSmitten

Random

• This weekend Mum and I drove past a pickup truck that was on fire and it made a hissing sound. Probably not my best travel route pick. In my defense, I was faint with hunger and the lunch quest continued another 1/2 hour as my punishment.
• The world's biggest bug was walking along my bedroom wall very late Saturday night. He nicely jumped onto a telescoping duster and allowed me to transport him out the window.
• Apparently the word was out because on Sunday night a lightning bug rode one of my curls from the backyard Boom bedtime pee straight up to my bedroom. He obligingly flew out the window without the aid of the telescoping duster.
• I pick some bizarre, some crappy, and some bizarrely crappy movies on Netflix: 9 Songs -- basically sex with band performances in between. And not very interesting sex. Definitely Maybe -- definitely lame. Mad Money -- Dawson would never have let Joey appear in that shit. Thank goodness for Friday Night Lights Season 2. Kyle Chandler makes football watchable.
• Extra Strength Midol has enough caffeine in it to keep you up until 3 a.m. on a work night. So, I was awake to enjoy my cramps instead of sleeping through them. What male scientist came up with that stellar plan?
• Agave nectar. Makes honey taste so 20th century. Try it.

Tell all your single friends, Random is the new black.

XO, JamieSmitten

Things I Adore, Things I Abhor

5 Things I Adore:

• Holidays! Happy 4th!
• What Not To Wear marathon on TLC. An "ex-exotic dancer" who wears a purple raccoon tail with a bell! A man wearing pleated tapered pants and declaring them to be 'aubergine' color!
• Finally getting the right combination of hair products to combat summer humidity.
• Having a half dozen unread books beckoning me from the bookshelf.
• My diamante star earrings. Dare I say, the iconic Smitten look?

5 Things I Abhor:

• Not being able to go swimming today. Actually, that goes for most days.
• Damn TLC marathons. Because of you, Freedom from Clutter 2008 (basement spring cleaning) was only partly successful.
• Achieving the right combination of hair products to combat summer humidity using DISCONTINUED hair products.
• Having a half dozen unread books beckoning me from the bookshelf, but not being able to read all day.
• LOSING one of my diamante star earrings. Both earrings were on the kitchen counter, but now there is only one. It isn't in the garbage and it isn't in the recycling and it isn't under the fridge. Either a dog ate it or it walked off. Either way, color me bereft.*

Tell all your single friends, fireworks are very alarming to dogs, so don't set off your own, especially on my street. Go see the professional display. You'll probably just burn yourself anyway.

XO, JamieSmitten

* Hurrah! Missing earring has been located -- attached to a dog leash. Because the dog leash was on the kitchen counter where I placed it after I washed Puck's head after our walk. Why did I wash Puck's head after our walk? Because Boom peed on it. Total golden shower on a public thoroughfare. Puck shook it off and soldiered on for the rest of the walk, something I'm sure his brother Buddy wouldn't have been able to manage. Now Puck smells like raspberries and all is well. Except Boom hasn't apologized. We aren't holding our breath.

Too Funny (in light of previous post)

So I've been all sentimental about my oldest friends lately and I click a Google suggested link to quotes by Rita Mae Brown, a fabulous writer from Virginia:

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. Rita Mae Brown

The good news? It isn't me. : )

Tell all your single friends, go read Six of One by Rita Mae Brown (or Rubyfruit Jungle, or Bingo, or Riding Shotgun, or Southern Comfort, etc.)


XO, JamieSmitten

What I Read Today

Favorite Food: Flowerless chocolate cake

Clearly, I've been baking chocolate cakes incorrectly for years! Will add flowers from now on.





Tell all your single friends, learn the difference between good and well so your co-workers won't think you are an idiot (because we do).








XO, JamieSmitten





p.s. Happy Canada Day!!!!!